Survivor 11 Summations and Competition

Ep 14 - Final four, then three, two and one

2005-12-13T13:22:00.000+10:30

Hi Survivorphiles

This is probably the last post on Survivor 11 - Guatemala. I was feeling very tired, grumpy and achey and went to bed early last night like a year six year old who'd "had a big day", but still managed to watch some of it propped up in bed.

Four were left - Danni Long Legs, Raucous Rafe, Super Steph and Lydia the Useless. Lydia even admitted as much: "They've kept me around because I've been like a mother around camp - cooking, fetching water, cleaning." Right, and in the history of Survivor, no camp cleaner has won the million bucks.

Still, Lydia went all loony when she reached the pot-mail and correctly guessed that some local Mayans would be visiting their camp.

Mmmm, chicken.....

All four remaining survivors were politely observing the non-English chanted ceremony and enjoyed the tamales (what exactly are tamales anyway? You often hear of a yank referring to a woman as a 'hot tamale') What interested the four most, however, was the live chicken. Would they get to eat it, wondered Stephenie. Rafe scolded her with, "No, we're so lucky to be enjoying this culture." I don't know that the chicken felt all that lucky somehow, especially after its head was twisted off and its body thrown on the fire.

After the Mayans were gone, Stephenie's hunger got the better of her and she and Lydia plucked the chicken (pun intended) from the fire. Danni ate some as well, but Rafe refused out of respect for Mayan culture. Culture Schmulture thought the others as they tucked in. As soon as they'd finished licking their fingers, a huge rainstorm struck their camp - a message from the gods, or just the pissed-off chook itself?

No reward challenges in these final stages of the game but straight on to the immunity event. The show's carpentry, props and designer teams had outdone themselves, making a huge eagle-shaped maze. The final four had to find their way through the hellhole to find the relevant sticks, make their way to the centre, walk across some watery steps to climb up to their platform. When all sticks were gathered they then had to put together a Mayan-inspired puzzle. I felt tired just looking at the maze.

Rafe won - that's right, no details about who did what and when. The redhead won the immunity necklace for the fourth time. Not bad for a skinny weed who was surrounded by a mob of male meatheads earlier in the game.

Luckless Lydia was given the flick, which, even though deserved, may have been a bit foolish. She would have been a rather good person to have in the final two because it would have been unlikely that she'd win the million dollars just on the strength of her smile and corn cooking skills
(then again, look at Nigella Lawson).

Lydia's gone - ha ha haaaaa!

The final three found pictures of each previous survivor competitor and tried to remember something about them. Clearly this bit of the show had been heavily edited because I fancied their real reminiscing would be something like this:

Jim - Ah yes, that old fart. Crook ankle, sent home.
Morgan - Who? Lazy little magician. No 'Lydia' around camp that's for sure.
Brianna - The one that Jamie said: "I like my women exciting and pretty. You're neither. Go back to the mall."
Brooke - Physically weak, so told to f*** off
Blake - Golden Boy or given the Golden Shower?
Brian - Slightly over-hyped Eager beaver, but crap in the muscles dept
Margaret - Too whiny after her job of saving the himbos had been done
Amy - Two ankle injuries = ta ta
Brandon - F***able Farmboy sent back to the fields by a stronger alliance
Bobby Jon - Bamboozled by well, the act of thinking and Gary pulling out the idol
Jamie - Paranoia-affected Pinhead, secretly in love with Bobby Jon
Gary - Beaten by the ruling alliance
Judd - Silly scumbag and a slimy bad sport to boot
Cindy - Kept the car, got the flick
Lydia - Ground the corn and given the heave-ho.

The immunity challenge was one of those traditional endurance ones that they always save for the battle between the final three. This one did not disappoint and resembled a tropical torture device of a wobbly 'balancing board' and two ropes. An hour into the challenge the Probster signaled to the players to let go one rope, and, half an hour after that, the second rope.

"Always look on the bright side of life....."

Poor old Rafe was out pretty soon after they had to drop both ropes. He swung to and fro from the rope like an epileptic monkey and no sooner had he wedged himself up against the side than his hands inadvertently touched the pole. It was then ON for Danni and Stephenie.

Stephenie was finding it extremely tough. Her back cramped, her legs shook and she started to cry....

Danni, on the other hand, used her long legs to great effect and looked rather comfortable in comparison. At one stage she was busy cleaning her fingernails!

Steph eventually came sliding down. Rafe felt all very sorry for her and immediately said to Danni, "Whatever your previous promise to take me to the final two, I won't hold you to it."

See - even a GAY guy was sucked in to making a stupid offer just because a girl was crying. That move was an extremely expensive one, because Danni picked Stephenie to go with her to the final two.

Surprisingly the questions from the Jury - BoJo, Jamie, Judd, Gary, Cindy, Lydia and Rafe - were pretty tame. Judd tried to use it as an opportunity for a rant, but he just came across as a bad loser with no understanding of the game.

The winner of the million dollars was Danni. Stephenie didn't really have a chance against her, or Rafe for that matter. She was ruthless and had put enough of the jury offside whereas the other two had been relatively clean and decent players.

Danni hugged her rather large family who, it seemed, were all considerably shorter and fatter than she was - did her Mum have an allnighter when the Harlem Globetrotters were in town or something? I didn't get to hear what she was planning to spend her winnings on - Fat farm vouchers for her family and an All-You-Can-eat-Food-Fest for herself?

The premiership table shows that Special Ray came first in this competition, followed by Love Chunks and Wozza sharing second place with Biddy F in third. Congratulations Special Ray - especially seeing as you were in China for most of the series!

Hope you had fun watching the show and reading the blog and let me know if you'd like to play again for the next series which we'll probably get in Feb/March next year. You can send me a comment via this blog or my other blog: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/

Ep 13 - Somebody smack me!

2005-12-10T14:39:00.000+10:30

I can not believe it; I can not believe that I did it a second time - I am dumber than a box of boogers and deserve a thoroughly intense smacking.

My poor mate Jill, who came over for dinner and drinks with her family was pumped in anticipation to watch 'Survivor' after we'd done the dishes and got all kids into various beds asleep. The poor love was shattered. Thankfully she was very good humoured about it, and only wailed in angst when I left the room to drop a couple of John Howard's off at the pool.

Therefore, as per last week, this blog is just a recap of what I can glean from the CBS website, plus a few photos. Very, very sorry about that, folks. I may have got rather merry last night, but seeing as I set the VCR timer *before* any champers were opened I have no excuse other than my own blonde stupidity.

....and then there were five.......

As the only boy left, Rafe was pronounced an 'Honorary Girl' by the, er, girls.

Now if only they could influence him to wash his damn shirt!

The Car challenge - Cindy won the black Pontiac 4WD what-not and got to share a meal and overnight reward with Stephenie. (Interesting, because she was earlier blowing steam about how she hadn't been privy to the plan to vote off Judd).

In every season of Survivor (eleven so far), not one player who has won the car has won the entire million dollars. Would Cindy be able to reverse this trend?

Well she'd already put everyone off-side by choosing to keep the car for herself rather than let her other four team mates have one each. "Screw the curse. I can win a car and a million dollars if I play my cards right," Cindy reasoned. "I'm here to beat the odds, and so far I have."

The victory would have been about as satisfying as deciding whether to saw off your left leg or your right leg - a) Should she just 'give' a car to players who benefit materially yet could still vote her off; or b) Should she grab it for herself and risk the jealousy and simmering hatred of the rest of them?

As for the immunity challenge, it was won by a thrilled super Stephenie who had never been given the opportunity to wear the ridiculous necklace in two seasons of Survivor.

It was the perfect time for her to win - they'd got rid of the king silverback baboon, Judd, last episode and she as the Alpha Female had a rather large target on her back too.

She and Cindy had talked about voting out Danni whilst they were at their overnight archeological camp, but Rafe and Danni had banded together and vowed never to vote for each other. And Lydia? Who knows, who cares.....

Jamie, Bobby John, Judd and Gary looked less hairy and better fed as jury members.

Not surprisingly Cindy got the flick - the Car Curse won out after all. As Jeff snuffed out her torch she said, "Thanks guys. I'll be thinking of you when I see the stars through the sunroof of my new car." Oooooooh, the zookeeper has bigger claws than the cats!

Next week - The final two episodes plus a catch-up show is on this coming Monday. I'm not going to bother with the mental complexities of programming the VCR - it will be much easier for me just to sit in front of the TV and ignore the family activities going on around me.

CBS tells us: A surprise from a local family quickly shakes up the Final Four in a traditional Maya ceremony. Later, a surprise thunderstorm sets the Survivors wondering if a decision they made upset the Maya gods. Two Survivors question their alliance and agree on who should be eliminated. Will this decision work to their advantage? With only three days left, the Final Four face off in an intense battle to make it to the end. Who will outwit, outlast and outplay to be become the Sole Survivor?

The premiership table shows that, at this stage, we have only one leader - SPECIAL RAY !! In the spirit of Dr Seuss: Hey Hey Hey, Let's give a YAY for Special Ray? Let's do it today - what do you mean 'no way' ?

Ep 12 - Aaaarrrrrrgh!

2005-12-05T12:58:00.000+10:30

Noooooo! I've just gone to replay the video I set on Friday night to watch the twelfth episode and it's taped the ABC's 'Stateline' instead. Aurrggggh - Poo.Bum.Bugger.Shit.Fart.

Yes yes, I know it's not the VCR's fault, it's the programmer's fault; ie mine. I managed to catch bits and pieces of the show when it was on but it was interrupted by questions from my daughter, doing the dishes, drinking wine, answering the phone, letting the dog out.....

As such this will be a very short report, plucked directly from the recesses of my brain. Please be kind and bear with me.......

The episode started with six; all keen to buy something from the food auction. Hell, that meant that even Lydia might be able to score some food.

Eat, Danni, EAT!

When the players' rellies arrived, I remember being disappointed in Steph's main squeeze - he didn't look as hunky as I'd imagine. He was sort of muscled but also on the soft fat side and had a head on him like an Easter Island statue.

"I'll tell you for the twentieth time - come on, do it with me - first you wash your face, then you wash your ears, then you wash....."

Judd's wife (Kristen?) was gorgeous - how does a loud-mouthed Noo Yawk City doorman land someone as nice as her? To be fair to Judd he was looking much better in this episode after having lost a few kilograms.

"I rule them all."
"I'm sure you do, dear. Now show me your lovely little cartwheels again."

Who knew Cindy was an identical twin? When they stood together, Cindy looked like a wizened, sun-browned piece of beef jerky next to her white, clean and soft-skinned sister. I'm sure there would have been the odd male or two who would have entertained some less-than-wholesome nocturnal fantasies about those two..... In fact I hoped that's what they'd be drooling about and NOT some twisted scenario with Rafe and his Mum. I won't go any further for fear of nausea; but my cynical little heart strings were twanged when he burst into tears at seeing her.

Danni's brother - some Doofus or other - obviously only swam with floaties on in the family gene pool and poor old Lydia only scored a visit from a brother she hadn't seen in two years. Maybe it's the lingering smell of fish that puts guys off, if this brother is the closest family member that the Survivor producers can rustle up for her? Perhaps she should consider moving out of the fishmongering business and into the pizza and coffee business instead.

The challenges are a dim memory but the tribe's own Preying Mantis, Danni, won it. Good for her - the necklace looked gargantuan against her emaciated chest and I worried that she was about to eat it for a second or two there.

"Aw crap - you mean those big chunky things on the immunity necklace aren't king-sized smarties?"

This unexpected win for Danni threw the other five into confusion - should they flick off Lydia the Useless or Judd the Jabbermouthed? It was Judd given the big elbow, labelling them all "Scumbags" as he left. What a hero - he'd only sat there in front of Jeff a few minutes earlier waaahing on about how someone's got to go home tonight and they should just deal with it. Like Lex in Africa and All Stars before him, this attitude is OK for everyone else unless it happens to them.

Next week on Survivor (lifted directly from the CBS website): Feeling deceived after a tribemate's ousting, one Survivor confronts the Tribe. After a big win, one Survivor has a big decision: try and break the "car curse" or risk it all to drive away with a new car. One Survivor's car decision creates a rift at camp. Will this affect who goes home next?

The premiership table now shows that NONE of us have our original three picks left, but three of you have two picks + Stephenie, and are considered to be 'Equal first' for this week. Those smug bastards are Special Ray, Jazz and Love Chunks. Well done to youse.

Ep 11 - who ate all the food?

2005-11-27T16:48:00.000+10:30

The episode started straight after Tribal Council on Night 27.

Back at camp Xhakum Doorman Judd was upset that no-one had told him about voting off Jamie: “I was totally shocked that Jamie got voted out…..I was pissed off man.”
Gary told us: “Jamie did me a big favour by driving everybody crazy.” Let's not forget that you also found the immunity idol, stringbean.

Day 28 soon arrived but no-one was in much of a mood to leap out of the shelter and start off the day. Gary and Lydia were flashing some kind of hand signals at each other and he then tried to get Lydia to tell him who 'they' (Judd, Steph, Rafe, Cindy and Lyd) were going to vote for next. A smart enough idea, but NOT smart to do it within earshot of the shelter because Judd heard every word. He then immediately whispered it to Rafe and Stephenie as soon as they stirred.

At her little interview tree, Lydia told us, “I have to watch my own ass – if somebody approaches me with a better deal, I’m going for it.” Fair enough, but I'm still wondering just how anyone can physically watch their own arse.

Later that morning the final seven players arrived at the old ruins for the Reward Challenge. Each player had three hanging pots filled with corn. Jeff was going to ask them questions about Mayan culture – if a player got it right they'd get to smash another player’s pot and the winner would be whoever's post was hanging last. The Prize – cocktails, skewers, a massage and a wash in a waterfall.

Judd immediately smashed Gary’s pot (a subtle message there) and hungry Lydia smashed Steph’s as did Danni. Gary took out Cindy. Lydia smashed Stephenie’s again, saying “I haven’t eaten and Stephenie’s eaten three times.” Stephh immediately shot back with, “So has Gary, so has Gary.” Hmmm a bit of foodie friction there.

Cindy won the reward, with Rafe second. Good on her, she hasn’t won anything before. Naturally the Probster asked her to invite someone. She chewed her nails as she thought through and decided to take Rafe.

Stephenie could have eaten that corn, instead of Rafe wasting it during the reward challenge.

The losers back at camp saw an angry Super Steph. “Well boohoo for Lydia”. She then started to list all of the foods she’d eaten: “And I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
Later, Gary told us that “Lydia gets so steamed up because Steph eats so much – I don’t think she’s even lost weight. She eats so much corn and nuts it’s amazing.”
Lydia to us: “Everybody is putting Stephenie up on a pedestal, yet everyone knows she’s the biggest threat and we’re not doing anything about it.”

At the waterfall, two masseuses greeted Cindy and Rafe with a table of kebabs, fresh fruit and mohitos. Naturally they ate first. “It was a flood of strategy for both us,” Rafe said, “Cindy and I are in this together for better for worse.” Next they had a swim in the hot and cool waterfall before their massage. Rafe looked cute with a flower in his ear!

'Here's to Cindy she's true blue....she's a piss-pot through and through...she's a bas---- so they say....'

When they got back to camp, the others were less than thrilled to hear about what they ate, drank and got massaged. Lydia sat apart from the group, eating some kind of corn soup from a cup. Lydia: “I had to sit there and listen to them talk about eating shish kebabs…I felt insulted. Cindy should have chosen me to go to this food reward. I’m an outcast.”

Why isn't she going fishing anymore?

Cindy wasn’t sympathetic: “Are we supposed to feel sorry for you, let you win something? We’re here to compete…..you gotta step it up or you’re not going to be around.”

Lydia's original alliance were starting to question her value. “She’s only got this far because she’s nice and smiles,” said Stephenie to Cindy and Rafe. “She’s now out of our alliance.”
Day 30 saw Gary snoring and Judd and Cindy sorting through the coffee cups. Cindy, Judd, Stephenie and Rafe sat on the rock ledge, drinking their coffee. “Wouldn’t it be good if we were here as the final four?” said Cindy.

They didn't have much time to strategise before the Immunity Challenge started. The Probster told them a rapid and detailed story involving Mayan culture. Each player then had to visit each of the seven stations which had puzzles to put together with questions about the story. Correct answers got flags that could be stuck on the players’ hat-rack/platform thingy; and incorrect answers got a stick that had to be thrown into the fire. I feel like I’m repeating myself from last week here because it was a close competition between Gary and Rafe. With the same result – won by Rafe.

Lydia's whining had so pissed-off the others that they impaled her on her own platform. This didn't affect her performance in the slightest: she still didn't win.

Back at camp Rafe was amazed, “Who would see this little gay Mormon win these immunity challenges?”

It was pretty clear that the final four group – Stephenie, Rafe, Judd and Cindy – were staying strong. As Steph told us: “It seems impossible that we won’t get to the final four together. In the last series I felt so powerless and this time I feel so power-full……It almost seems too good to be true.” Hmmm, you know what they say about counting your chickens, or is it a rolling stone spoils the broth?

Lydia was feeling the pinch and grumbled as such to Danni. On the other side of the camp, Rafe admitted to Gary that he didn’t trust Judd or Stephenie 100%.

At Tribal Council – Jeff asked Lydia about the food issue with Stephenie – “It was nothing personal, but this time I wanted to eat.” Then he asked her who’s running the camp right now- “Steph is running the show.” Gary told Jeff: “I personally like Steph, but there are some people who are star struck by her. It’s not her fault but they can get an autograph after the show.” This caused jury members BJ and Jamie to have a good chuckle. Then somehow Judd and Gary then started arguing about who tells lies with Judd adamant that he’d never lied in the game. Gary got fed up and then revealed that Judd lied about the idol being hidden on the ground. “You got outed, Judd” said Jeff.

Judd voted for Gary “Get the hell out of here.” It was the only one shown, so it was Gary by a landslide. Even Danni voted for him!

Bye bye Gazza - go home and EAT something

Next week – Danni feels the pressure……Lydia makes a move on Judd (somehow I doubt that sex is involved)….and the tribe is shocked…….

The premiership table shows that now it's only Special Ray and the mysterious Brett who are sharing equal first. However, those of you who may only have one or two left should not fear: you might have the winner.

Ep 10 - Beefcake needs beefsteak NOW

2005-11-22T20:33:00.000+10:30

And then there were eight

Yaxhum Night 24 saw an increasingly erratic Jamie pick a fight with Gary. He told us that "Everybody thinks he's a good guy. I don't." That may be, but at least Gary had enough wits left to speak sense.

Bless his sweet little confused heart because Jamie then tried to remind Cindy that Gary voted for her in an effort to get her on his side against Gary. She was about as interested in setting up an anti-Gary fan club as she'd be in swapping her own legs for Lydia's.

Jazzy Jamie's third attempt at razzing the GazMan involved calling him a liar, over ...??? something or other.....like breathing??? He was making no more sense than a wino in the carpark of Flemington Racetrack. His usually-faithful buddy, the slimmed-down doorman Judd, told us: "Emotionally this game might be taking a toll on him. Psychologically he's losing it." Just goes to show that a beefcake can't last long in Sanityville without a bit of beef steak.

We'll move on from the individual lunacy of Jamie to the bigger lunacy of the Reward Challenge. Two teams were to race against each other made up of two boys and two girls. Attached to rope they were to negotiate over and under three obstacles to get pots of corn back to the start. All done in wet, thick, sticky, black mud. First team to fill up their pot with corn would then win a helicopter flight to a luxury villa for the night - pool, seafood buffet, hot shower, clean pyjamas, a soft bed and a well-rested wake up to the smell of fresh plunger coffees (some brand that we don't get here in Oz but I'm sure they paid for the making of this entire episode).

Don't worry about the final six Jamie; you're getting great skin out of this mudbath - girls pay a fortune for this stuff at home!

Predictably, Lydia fell in the mud (although being four feet tall wouldn't have helped) and her team mate Cindy saw their victory pass to Danni and Stephenie. Twice. The stumpy old girl was about as popular as the pox when the others - Danni, Steph, Gary and Judd - squelched home to win. Jamie, for some bizarre reason, wanted the still-struggling Lydia and Cindy to finish their leg. "But they've already won, Jamie," called out an irritated Cindy. All Rafe could do was pat Jamie non-committally on the shoulder; kind of like you would to an overheated pit bull.

Ooooh Judd - I didn't realise you felt that way about me!

The helicopter immediately came and swept off the still-muddy four, although I'm not sure how thrilled the pilot would have been to discover that his four passengers were covered in black mud that would end up all over his chopper. After flying over the rainforests and river, they landed at a beautiful house, eyes all a-poppin' at the seafood feast, poolside showers and gorgeous pool.

They all immediately scrubbed off the mud in the showers, but only Judd was brave enough to strip off (surely they must have all had mud in their own private little nooks and their crannies?) and then started diving into the banquet.

Back at the camp, Lydia was still apologising to Cindy for her even-less-than-Commonwealth-Games-level performance. Jungle Boy Jamie, on the other hand, was busy hassling Rafe about himself, Rafe and Judd going all the way to the final three. Rafe looked about as thrilled to have the discussion as he would if he'd discovered a suicidal scorpion in his shorts.

Back at the mansion, the lucky four were again freshly showered, wearing matching pyjamas and bonding. Gary decided he'd better try his luck at being Mr Congeniality with Judd and Stephenie "because I'm the next to go." He tried the tack of appealing to their athletic and competitive sides - shouldn't the final four be people who are strong, athletic, do their share around the camp and work hard? All stuff worth thinking about as they then went to sleep - together. (What sort of 'mansion' is this place anyway?)

The next morning, Day 26, arrived and with it six different flavours of plunger coffees. "All of us tried all of the flavours," said Stephenie, trying her hardest to stop her hands from twitching and her head jerking uncontrollably on camera. But wait - there was more to their reward. Louie, the owner (and presumably, instigator of the four-in-a-bed romps) came in with videos from home. We saw Judd's wife, daughter and mother; Steph's huge family; Danni's two dogs and her Mum ("I knew my family would be fine - I wanted to see if my dogs were OK."), and then Gary's family.

Who knew that Lurch (aka Gazza) was such a softie? He wept as the videotape rolled and was beaming as he told us: "It was the best reward we could have had." Finally - we get to see him cry and smile!

"Welcome to the hellhole," Judd muttered as he walked back to the camp with Steph, Danni and Gary. The Lucky Four brought back a coffee hamper which they agreed would be most appreciated by Cindy.

Well, the twelve packets of freeze dried instant coffee Cindy inhaled certainly set her up as a serious contender in the Immunity Challenge. The event saw each player tied to a l-o-o-o-o-n-g rope that was wrapped around, up and under three obstacles that they had to work through to the end. The first four across the line would then progress on to the next round – still involving rope – wrapped around some wooden towers.

Unsurprisingly, Lydia lagged behind and was a total non-contender, but perhaps more surprisingly was that she was joined at the rear (so to speak) by Judd and Danni. Up at the front meanwhile, a determined Gary was leading the pack. At least, he was until Cindy’s feed of caffeine kicked in – she pipped him at the post and joined Super Steph, Jamie and Rafe for the second leg of the challenge.

Right from the start of the second race she was leading; caffeine working its best, until…… she got stuck and the sweet lad Rafe trotted across the finishing mat first. Again. Gary looked sick with worry.

I'm trying Rafe, I really am, but this catch is really hard to do up at the back here....

Camp Yaxhum (I've given up on trying to spell it properly) on Day 27 saw Rafe regretting his recent wins: “I’ve just made myself a huge threat in this game. I’ve got to change the way I play.”

Jamie was busy working his paranoid powers of magic amongst the original ‘six’ of Steph, Lydia, Rafe, Judd and Cindy. Cindy told us that “Jamie’s paranoia is getting old. He doesn’t know when to be quiet.” Rafe was asked to play whatever that wooden game is with the sticks and corn bits again and again and again so that Jamie could strategise with him. He rolled his eyes: “It’s ‘stick with the six…..stay with the six…..are you still with the six’….. if you ask me again I’m going to throw this corn at you!”

Rafe decided to tell more people than just us at home about how Jamie was more single-mindedly annoying than a blowfly at a glassed window. He and Lydia had a wee chat about it and were then joined by Steph – how about voting off Jamie tonight instead of Gary? Steph wasn’t too sure: “Gary is a smooth operator.”

At Tribal Council my mind was immediately distracted by Bobby Jon – aka BoJo, the original hunk of man-meat as he sauntered in to take his place as the first member of the jury. Humina humina humina! He looked absolutely luscious freshly shaven, with clean hair and that ------oh, sorry, you want to know about Tribal Council…..

Judd told Jeff that “Gary’s a man’s man and he makes me try to be a better man.” That’s nice, but I don’t see much evidence that Judd’s taken on Gary’s rather quiet, man-of-few-words approach. The GazMan himself just said that he was trying to be positive and take it day by day – classic sports speak by a classic athlete.

Jazzed-out Jamie – without irony – told Jeff that “You can go insane out here, it gets to you….. But all these people here have been really supportive.”

Jamie voted for Gary (as per the original six strategy);
Gary voted for Jamie; and
Judd voted for Gary.
Judd was just as surprised as Jamie when Jeff snuffed out Jamie’s torch. “Blindsided – NICE! Now that’s how you vote someone out!” Rather well handled by someone on the edge of insanity and obsession.

Next week – Judd’s now in limbo with the remnants of the ‘six’ and Steph gets shirty at, well, something, presumably.

The premiership table is starting to get interesting - only three are in the lead with all three of their original picks remaining, give or take a BoJo or SS. Those lucky gents are Special Ray (maybe he should stay in China to keep up the good luck); Ian of QV (never watched the show before - makes me sick!) and Brett Turner (an unknown quantity; a man of mystery).

Bye bye Jamie - now go and get some help, will you?!

Ep 9 - Good housekeeping tip - chunder where you sleep

2005-11-14T13:33:00.000+10:30

Xhakum, Night 21 saw Jamie all upset about Bobby Jon telling him during Tribal Council that he had no class. “I’m not angry; my feelings are hurt.” He went on. And on: “It’s like calling me white trash, Bobby Jon….it broke my heart.” Oh boo flippin’ hoo and this from the guy who welcomed his new tribe mates by telling them that they had to sleep outside! BJ must have that in-built himbo deafness to whingeing because he eventually shook hands with the cry-baby-sooky-pants around the campfire.

Rafe told us that Jamie had taken things waaay too personally, noting “If he doesn’t use this to change (his behaviour) then I’m going to change the game.” How Rafe hopes to achieve this, I’m not sure – by smiling harder, skipping to the challenges or having a Madonna singalong?

Day 22 found Lydia pounding the corn with about as much strength as a burnt moth. Judd and Stephenie were slothing around in the smug knowledge that Gary, BJ and Danni were their next targets. BJ knew it too: “I need the idol now. There’s pretty much nothing I can do to budge the magical six up there, I just gotta keep tryin’.” Danni and Gary were also frantically looking in the jungle.

The Reward Challenge mercifully looked as though it was set up for anyone to win and not just the brawniest. The Reward – food, of course. The Probster informed them that they would all get something to eat, but what they eat would depend on their performance in the challenge. The winner would also get a clue on where the other immunity idol was hidden.

I know I keep harping on it, but it was hard to tell the difference between Danni and the spear

Judd’s shot was great –only 1.5m away from the centre. BJ’s shot didn’t even make the edge of the biggest circle, and Rafe (despite throwing like a girl), at least made it into the circles. Unsurprisingly, Lydia managed to outdo BJ at crappy throwing.
Danni and Cindy were close behind Judd. Jamie ended up fourth, but decided to take the last meal so that everyone else could move up a space. It was his way of making up for yesterday: “We’re one tribe now, I should have known that sooner.” Aw, bless his sweet heart – is it just me, or have you also noticed that his good ole boy southern accent seems to be gettin’ stronger?

As with all major athletes, Danni found that by sticking her tongue out it improved her performance more than any steak or steroid ever could.

Over at the lodge, a victorious Judd headed over for his steak and lobster at his own table. A dog and puppies trotted through but Judd was focused on his food and beer. Second-placed Cindy got chicken and veges; Danni got spag bol; Steph a burger and beer; a slice of pizza for Gary; a ham and cheese sandwich for Rafe; baked potato for BJ; a tiny fish and glass of water for Lydia and ……… lake water and local nuts for Jamie.

Then Jeff stated that Judd could invite two people to share his meal, including the open bar and a dessert menu. He chose Bobby Jon (why? Because he’s going to be voted off anyhow, no matter how hard he tries?) and Stephenie to eat with him. BJ was careful not to obviously gorge in front of the others, especially Gary. “You’re killin me Gary” said Judd, averting his eyes.

Gary admitted to us “It was two hours of watching them gorge themselves and get drunk – not my idea of fun.” However, what is Gary's idea of fun - has he cracked a smile on the show yet???

Judd and BJ staggered home still smoking their cigars. Judd hugged Jamie and BJ decided to hoik down a stump into the fire which was, to the sober eye, a 10 metre long tree. Judd went for a gutzer, but hey, at least his cigar didn’t go out!

On Day 23, the tribe told Judd that he threw up in the shelter that night, as well as snored like a hog stuck in the mud – mmmm, it must have smelt nice in that festering, steamy heat and his vomity, beery, cigary, no-toothpaste-for-23-days morning breath a real turn on. Perhaps they should have taken him out on the fishing boat and got him to lean over and breathe on a fish to catch their meal.

Despite this, Steph clearly found enough energy to consider him socially acceptable because he shared the clue regarding the immunity idol with her – essentially, that it’s not on the ground. However he then trudged down to the others and told them that “it’s totally on the ground,” but his acting skills seemed to me to be akin to Paris Hilton (in any video) and not Meryl and as such, didn’t seem to convince the others as much as amuse them.

Day 24 found Jamie seeking assurance from Rafe that they were still in an alliance together. Rafe said, “Jamie is totally paranoid all the time…… but I don’t totally trust Jamie.” Our new-hearted hillbilly then worked on Gary to ensure that he too would be prepared to vote with him. The mozzies barely got a chance to land on his back before he was telling Steph, Judd and Lydia that Gary said he was going to vote for him instead of with him. Steph was convinced: “Jamie is a liability….he’s not all there and is a loose cannon.”

'Ol Jamie might be a tad crazy and all but my mate Jill wouldn't mind having a play with his loose cannon....

Pot mail hinted at some kind of balancing event for the immunity challenge and it at least got the others to move away from Jamie’s increasingly erratic mumblings and do some balancing exercises instead.

The immunity challenge – lordy, how to describe it – beams and planks and ropes and having to be the first four, then the first two then the final round. If I was in the competition I’d be begging for the arrow throwing competition to be run again instead.

Jamie elected to squodge along the beam via his goolies instead of walking along with his feet and Jeff commented, wincing, “Oh that’s gotta feel good.” Imagine how it’ll feel the next day…. However this sperm-count-reducing method enabled him to be in the first four with Rafe, Gary and Danni. The rope’n’plank thingy leg of the race was won by Rafe and Jamie, so again, having crucified crown jewels didn’t hinder him. In the final part of the race, poor old Rafe did a hilariously spectacular head dunk and body flip into the water, giving Jamie the immunity for that night’s tribal council.

The ‘strong six’ selected Gary to go, followed by Bobby Jon. Steph told us, “Gary’s a huge physical threat and he’s always in game-mode.” BJ had a few schemes of his own, telling Jamie and Judd and that “your real threat is down there grinding corn”- Stephenie in other words. Out in the jungle, Gary noticed that Judd was busy looking up at the trees and not on the ground.

At Tribal Council Jeff asked Gary, “Have you lied in this game?” No was the firm answer. He then turned to Judd: “Have you lie---“ “No,” said Judd, the it’s-on-the-ground’ clue sharer, beady little eyes open and innocent-looking. Jeff then asked if anyone had the immunity idol and wanted to use it – Gary had, and did, which shocked the hell out of the rest of them.

Jamie was less vocal when he wrote down Bobby Jon: “Wow, sorry.”
Bobby Jon cast his vote for Steph: “Better now than never I guess.”
Danni voted for Steph and Steph of course voted for BJ: “I’m glad you made the jury.”

2 votes for Stephenie and 1 for Cindy, but of course it was for our dear old himbo, Bobby Jon. As Jeff snuffed his torch he said, “Thanks very much, I enjoyed it.”

Bye bye Bobby Jon, you've been great to..... watch. See you in an improved dream sequence some time!

Alas, the premiership table will show you that I'm now completely out of contention with my favourite hunk 'o' himbo, BJ gone. The same goes for Bec, so we two can now just sit back, relax and enjoy all the strategising, fighting, challenges, gradual starvation - aren't you glad they haven't perfected 'smellovision' yet?

Next week – Jamie gets irritated with Gary, survivors get muddy for the best reward and Lydia has to make a decision – what, a decision?? You mean she’s actually useful at something in this game?????

Ep 8 - Merge Jerk-i-ness

2005-11-06T22:10:00.000+10:30

Nakum Night 18
All of the humans were asleep, except for the rats, monkeys and lizards, until four little Yaxhaians walked nervously over to the six Nakumians and woke them up with the news that they were now one tribe.
BJ had a few immediate concerns: “I can't be around Stephenie for more than five minutes or Jamie – I’ll want to knock him out”

Super Steph wasn't yet with it enough to be concerned about BJ: "My head is like spinning”
Jamie gave them a charming welcome with the news that “There’s no room in the shelter so I hope you don’t mind sleeping outside.”
BJ soon forgot about Stephenie and focussed instead on Jamie: "You say one more thing to me, I’m going to knock every one of them teeth out of your head”

Day 19 started with a scenic shot of a monkey yawning widely and then focused straight on Jamie doing the same thing (and probably with worse morning breath).
BJ, Brandon and Gary did their best to do the work around the camp, as did Danni.
Danni told us: “Yhey’re not warm and friendly…..we feel like slaves…”
Yet it was both Brandon and BJ who felt most at risk of being voted off.

The pot mail contained some paints for a new flag and a note about a small immunity idol hidden near the camp that, if found, could be used to guarantee it’s owner immunity (up to the final four). How the hell were they - starving, exhausted, sweaty, starving - going to find a tiny little statue in such a huge jungle?
Brandon knew the difficulty of the task and it's importance to him. “It’s like a needle in a haystack and I got a target on my back….I could really use it.”

BJ managed to get Steph aside and got her assurance that he would not be the first of ex-Yaxha to be voted off . “I want to be on the jury so bad.” Why??

Day 20 saw BJ still busy looking for the immunity idol whilst Lydia tried to get the tribe to think of a new name. They ended up with Xachum, a combination of both old tribe names.
Rafe meanwhile, kept looking for the idol: "I’m the worst at looking for anything,” he told us, and then ended up disturbing a hornet’s nest “That’s a message from the gods. I’m done, I won’t be finding the idol.”

Despite the tribe still divided among original lines, all of them were disappointed that there wasn’t some kind of welcoming merge feast involved as per usual merges in other series. The four ex-Yaxhaians decided to escape the unwelcoming atmosphere for a while to go fishing.
Rafe: “I’m not totally happy with our team’s attitude of ‘we’re in control now and don’t have to do anything” After sitting there listening to his team back stabbing the fisherfolk, Rafe, asked, “I’ve just had a sad realization – am I part of the axis of evil?”

Word to BJ, Brandon, Gary and Danni – if you catch any fish, don’t share it!

Xhakum Day 21 started with them all appearing to be enjoying themselves in the Yaxha swimming enclosure.
Later, in pot mail there was info about a pot balancing challenge for the first individual immunity event.
Jamie told Jeff about how the new ones had to sleep outside, and BJ expressed his views by immediately spitting on the ground in front of him.

There was a table laden with food – with a condition. If a contestant felt confident enough that they wouldn’t be voted off tonight, they could sit down and eat. If a contestant felt vulnerable about staying, they would do the challenge and not eat.
Those who chose to eat – Rafe, Stephenie, Lydia and Jamie
Pot Player – Cindy, Judd, Danni, Brandon, BJ, Gary

The poor pot balancers had to stand there on their cubes seeing and smelling the other four EATING their food!

Jamie, with his mouth full kept goading the others: “Brandon and BJ are there because they know they’re the first going home……” In answer to BJ saying “We’re all the one tribe now,” he retorted: “We aint never been one tribe.”
Half an hour into it, Jamie was still goading and Rafe whispered: “Please stop it – I feel bad.”

An hour had gone, with only Danni out of the competition. They had to race up the steps of the pyramid with the pots on their heads. Gary made it to the top and won immunity. This photo clearly shows that the old string bean really could have done with the feed instead.

Back at camp, Judd let Jamie have it for his attitude. “The only time I got pissed was every time you were talking……just shut up man.”
Cindy told us: “Jamie did not show class during this challenge and everyone knows that…..it may come around and get him.” I hope it does!
Rafe to us, “I can not respect myself and go far in this game with Jamie.”
BJ to us: “Jamie’s being arrogant and is probably going home tonight……what if I slipped off this platform with this pot and smashed it over his head.” Ah, if only!

Jamie still was at it, goading both Brandon and BJ to tell him which one of them was going to have their head on the chopping block tonight. This got BJ’s hopes up, telling Brandon that the rest of the tribe were also fed up with Jamie. Even so, Brandon galloped off into the forest another look for the mini immunity idol.

Gary tried to get Rafe to vote for Jamie, as did Danni to Cindy: “I’d rather hurt Jamie’s feelings than Brandon’s.” But she then said to us, “It’s not about who I like but how I play the game. I’ll wait and see just what name I write down on the paper tonight.”

At Tribal Council, Rafe admitted that he didn’t like the way that Jamie wasn’t respecting the new tribe members. BJ weighed in: “That was no class.” Then BJ and Jamie started arguing amongst themselves until Stephenie told them to stop. “We’ll see who the bigger man is on the field,” said Jamie, and even Jeff shook his head as though he was thinking “what a jerk.”

No-one presented the other immunity idol, or chose not to use it for the session. Surprisingly, Jamie said some rather nice things about Brandon whilst he voted him off. BJ, naturally voted for Jamie: “Southern pride means being a Southern gentleman, and no, you don’t have any class at all.”

Brandon got voted off, just for the bad luck of being in the minority, being strong and therefore being too much of a risk for winning any individual immunity challenges.

Next week – BJ and Jamie continue to battle; the search for the immunity idol continues and Judd threw up in the shelter….

The premiership table will show that some of you will be disappointed that the Farmer Boy has gone. As I keep saying, GO BOBBY JON. Plus I'll now keep saying: "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch region, Jamie!"

Ep 7 - Two Tribes go to war....

2005-10-29T17:47:00.000+09:30

This week's episode opened with Nakum on Night 15. Judd was very relieved that Margaret was gone: "I'm not a loose cannon......I'm a big teddy bear." The rest of his tribe just nodded and smiled, all the while thinking, Okaaaaay. As Jamie told us: "It makes me want to take Judd with me to the final two because he's going to keep blowing up."

At Yaxha, there was little focus on Brian's demise and more on how the hell poor old Bobby Jon was going to peel his shirt off his sticky, pussy shoulder wound. He wasn't alone, as Brandon also had a few festering grazes and was kind enough to point out to Amy that she had a couple on her chin.

Day 16 arrived and with it the Reward Challenge. As usual, Jeff explained it and I was totally confused until I saw the event happen - lots of dizzying stuff for food-starved competitors! Alternatively, it might be a good party game I'll try for my daughter's seventh birthday party next year....

The Mayans were the culture originally attributed with discovering chocolate, so the reward was a chocolate feast with a zip-line canopy ride through the rainforest.

Team Nakum worked very well together as they tried to rustle up a bra for Cindy

but Brandon's team mates weren't quite so adept at bush bra making....

It was a reasonably close - and somewhat Benny Hill-like - race, but Nakum fell over just as they were about to race to the end. Like a multi-limbed, four-backed bug they struggled to get up and were beaten by Yaxha. Poor chunky-lunks Lydia looked devastated at their loss.

Yaxha each wore harnesses as they walked along a high rope bridge before sliding down the cable through the forest.

It wasn't really Amy's thing, as evidenced by her screaming "Get me to the freakin' platform!" BJ, on the other hand, showed a rare flicker of eloquence: "It was majestic....", before dashing my hopes with "...seein' all those tall trees and stuff." Best keep your mouth shut my love.

The chocolate feast was enjoyed by all and it would have gone down a treat with the huge glasses of ice cold milk that was also available (when did these poor sods eat any dairy food?)

Brandon told us afterwards that "Even looking at the mud on the ground reminds me of chocolate, and makes me feel sick." Way to go son - if you ain't feeling sick after chocolate, you haven't had enough!

Hard to believe that Danni the birthday girl had eaten any chocolate at all

The birthday girl suggested that they share the left-over choccies with the Nakum tribe and invite them over for a pool party. As they were paddling over, BJ assured a worried Gary that there'd be no niggly wiggly he-man macho nonsense with him and Jamie.

Over at choc-free Nakum, dear old Rafe was making playing cards out of leaves. As he and Stephenie were settling down to play, they heard the visiting Yaxhaians calling out to them. Gary made it clear: "No buffs, no game talk, just a party." Jamie and Cindy weren't thrilled with the idea of being friendly with Yaxha, but reluctantly went along with the rest of their tribe. Poor things - was the chocolate worth seeing Judd in his tighty whities around the pool?

Jamie stayed aloof and told us: "I'm here for business and everyone else should be also." That's fine you big lug but you are also supposed to be playing the game, remember, or you may find that you're in the final two because you make other player look good. His negativity ended up getting on his team mates'nerves during the paddle home. Super Steph told us that "there could be a clash between he and I."

On day 18 at Yaxha, they were still eating the chocolate. BJ was in the swimming enclosure, letting little fish nibble at his festering shoulders and loose flaps of skin. Then Mr Anti-Mensa tried to amuse himself by seeing if he could catch the feeding fish with his mouth. Meanwhile Amy tried again to see if she could get Gary to admit that he was an ex-NFL player, but he stuck firm to his story.

The Immunity Challenge involved digging up large, heavy puzzle pieces before putting them together to form an ancient Mayan calendar. Desperately de-caloried Danni didn't have the strength in the early stage and gave up to let Brandon dig out a piece.

I know my likeable personality's in here somewhere...

Jamie threw a piece that accidentally got Stephenie right on the shin - that would have hurt. Despite this hiccup, Nakum won the challenge.

It's fun to stay at the Y...

Yaxha sadly shuffled back to their camp. Amy was feeling vulnerable because Danni, Brandon and BJ were pretty tight and not about to break their original alliance. Or so she thought until Danni mentioned that, at first, she wasn't happy that BJ was playing because he'd already had his chance in the previous series.

Amy seized this morsel as a possible way to get Danni and co to vote off BJ instead of her that night. Gary told her, "If you've got Danni, you've got me."
Brandon told Danni, "Amy may be more deserving to be here than BJ....."
As for BJ the mouth-fish-molester, he told us that "I want to make it to the jury - that'd be a lifelong dream." Um, no, it wouldn't be 'lifelong' sweetie - the show's only been running for five years and you're twenty five.... Undeterred he went on: "Not everyone gets a second chance and I don't want to blow it."

At Tribal Council, Brandon told Jeff that tonight's vote had been extremely difficult for him to decide who to vote for, "the hardest part is justifying why you voted someone out." Danni agreed, "We have all bonded, so being here sucks."

BJ voted for Amy (and gave her his usual mangled compliments) and Amy voted for BJ. It was Amy who was voted off, four votes to one (hers, obviously). The physically weakest member and no doubt Gary was tired of having to fend off her NFL queries all the time.

Jeff then told them that they were about to merge with Nakum. They were to head to Nakum's camp with new team buffs and to decide on a new tribal name.

The premiership table shows that a couple of you no longer share equal first place, so now things are starting to get interesting. Go Bobby Jon!

Next week - Nakum awakes to a surprise merge and Jamie and Judd have an argument....

Ep 6 - big mouths, beers and bon voyages

2005-10-22T22:00:00.000+09:30

We're up to Day 15 now folks, and at Yaxha it found young farmer boy Brandon a tad sober after realising that he wasn't privy (meaning 'included', not Elizabethan English for 'toilet') to his tribe voting out frat-boy Blake. I felt even sorrier for him when he tried to get an explanation for it from Bobby Jon, a man not noted for his eloquence or intelligence. Sadly BJ didn't miraculously break out of character but could barely string his words together before grunting out, "He rubbed some folk up the wrong way," after several tries.

Over at Nakum the monkeys were lazing elegantly in the tree tops and looking down on their less hairy brethren swatting off mosquitoes and getting more and more pissed off by the minute. Skinny nurse Margaret was singled out as being the downer of the tribe, even by chuckle trousers Rafe, who told us, "Margaret has such a negative energy.....she's fading out."
Judd, who has about as much delicacy as a rhino with flatulence told Jamie "She's miserable because she got stuck with me instead of BJ, Brandon and Blake." I don't think there'd be too many viewers who'd blame her for that, although we'd probably all hope we'd do better at hiding our disappointment.....

At the Reward Challenge, team Nakum were shocked to see that Yaxha had given Blake the big shove off; but their surprise evaporated when the Probster told them what the reward was - hot dogs, hamburgers, rolls, condiments and beers. For the winning tribe of course. But, in the words of Tim the Demtel man - that's not all - both tribes were to go to Tribal Council that night to vote out a member. He then offered a tiny morsel of consolation to the winning tribe - after this challenge they'd undertake another challenge for someone to win individual immunity from the night's vote off. All clear now?

The props department clearly needed something to help them use up their spare tobacco papers and cardboard pieces because they'd ended up with a huge brown, lumpy ball that was to be pushed to the finishing line in a kind of roly-poly version of tug-of-war.

Amy and Danni beat Stephenie and Cindy;
Jamie and Judd beat Bobby Jon and Brandon, with BJ and Jamie trying to out-babboon each other afterwards. Most of their chest thumping grunts were indecipherable except (after a quick rewind of the video) for BJ yelling out "That's not nice." Fighting words, BJ, fightin' words. Hells Angels, neo-Nazis and Psychos across the globe would be shaking in their shoes at your menacing use of the English language.
Judd and Stephenie beat Gary and Amy but only because Amy fell down and re-sprained her ankle;
Margaret and Cindy lost to the injured Amy and Danni!

Good onyer luv!

..... and add a few more victories by Judd'n'Jamie and it ended in cheers of victory for Nakum

and Boo hoos for Yaxha.

Jeff baby wasn't about to give them their BBQ basket that easily however. He then told them that they had to do their next challenge to decide who would win immunity at the tribal council vote that night.

Now how could Jeff not give Danni a quick nibble at Nakum's BBQ basket whilst they were busy doing their next challenge?

The challenge was, mercifully for Nakum, not another physically draining one. They each had to run and untie three bags that contained puzzle letters, do the puzzle, be the first to get it right and thus win immunity. Dear old Rafe was frantically sorting out his letters and Judd, who was still trying to undo the knots on his bags, gave him the answer - Ancient Ruin. Rafe won immunity and probably also owes Judd a rather large favour.

Any worries about strategy and who to choose was forgotten by Nakum as they went back to their camp with their food. "We're on a winning streak," crowed Stephenie. Maybe a tad optimistically I reckon, seeing as it was only their second victory. Dear old Bobby Jon's antics at the 'Big Ball Bash' was their main topic of conversation, but Jamie explained that "Us Southern people are crazy and we know it." Bless him.

Over at Yaxha, BJ saw it less as a deranged quality and more directed at Jamie's behaviour: "He's cocky and arrogant.....he crossed that line and I put him in his place." Yes you did you dumb, inarticulate yet still inexplicably attractive young babboon..... Soon they started to whisper in various groupings about who to vote off that night. Brandon, Amy and Brian were the physically weaker players, yet Brian was exhorting Amy and Gary to stick with him via their original tribal voting lines.

Back at Nakum Judd was as smug as a pig in mud: "I'm goin' to Tribal council tonight without a damn worry in the world, man." That may be so, but it was pretty obvious that the Juddster had taken more than his fair share of the beer at the picnic. He tried to bluff and huff and puff his way out of it, but the others were not fooled. Cindy stated the obvious: "Judd's mouth works before his brain does," and Margaret told us that "Judd is Judd's own worst enemy." Even chippy-chops Rafe looked disappointed in him.

Beers? Where????

At Nakum Tribal Council it was all Judd, Judd, Judd and Judd. He told Jeff that he swapped his hotdog for Stephenie's beer (yet he still took more than his share!). Judd and Jamie started with eye rolling etc when Margaret spoke, making it very clear that they disliked her. When Jeff asked a question about whether Nakum displayed good sportsmanship, Judd was off and running. "I wouldn't consider myself a bad sportsmanship," he ranted over and over. A word of advice, bonehead: lose the word 'ship' from the phrase 'bad sportsmanship' and you might just convince me that you have an IQ larger than room temperature (yes, in celcius).

Margaret said, "Judd only listens to Judd," which he immediately leapt upon. "Do I listen to you? Do I listen to you? Do I listen to you?" he asked of every tribe member only to interrupt each and every one of them. Poor little Rafe looked as though he was about to vomit as Judd exploded around him. Judd continued to rave on and on and ON about how Margaret accused him of having ADD, which only served to strengthen her case, or at least convince the others that he had the concentration span of a warm monkey turd.

As for the Probster, he couldn't even get a word in until it was time for him to say "Now cast your votes." Unsurprisingly, Judd voted for Margaret: "Get out NOW," and Margaret voted for Judd: "You're rude, you're profane." Unfortunately for Margaret, she was given the flick in a classic case of strength winning over anything else - while the dumb ox has a use, he stays. For now at least......

Judd, caught in a rare moment with his mouth closed

Rafe, still looking queasy, then got to sit in at Yaxha's Tribal Council. Gary considered that Nakum were OK in the sportsmanship department, but "Jamie can get carried away and throw some trash talk our way."

Trash talking Jamie, but still pretty enough for my buddy Jill

Brandon gushed over Amy's determination and victory in the ball thingy competition despite her injury, "She's incredible." All of them praised Brian's attitude, commitment and team spirit, with BJ trying his best to include a wordy enough compliment: "He'd make a good neighbour."

Then Jeff dropped a fart, so sorry scratch that - a bombshell - Rafe could give immunity to one member of Yaxha. He cast his secret vote and was then told to buzz off back home by Jeff. Brian voted for Bobby Jon and Bobby Jon voted for Brian. It was not the hyperactive chipmunk's night - Brian was voted out and Rafe's immunity was given to Gary, who wasn't even a target. Jeff sent the tribe back home telling them "You've cut Brian's throat" which was a bit harsh. No dislike was evident; he just wasn't physically strong. As with Nakum, strength wins over brains or wit. For now......

Next week - Amy confronts Gary over lying about his NFL past and Nakum is visited by Yaxha....

And the premiership table shows that I, honourable owner and scribe of this 'blog, have lost all three of my original picks and am therefore pinning all of my lustful hopes on that eloquent piece of man-meat, Bobby Jon.

Ep 5 - Boys will be boys?

2005-10-14T23:08:00.000+09:30

Nakum, Night 11 found a pissed-off Margaret throwing daggers at Judd for betraying her and their old Nakum team mates. Judd wasn't having a bar of it however, telling her that “You gotta remember it’s a cutthroat game….we’re all here to win a million dollars.” Still she wouldn't leave it alone and he resorted to spitting out: “I don’t give a flying rats arse what people think about me.”
To us he commented that “As long as my wife and kid still love me, that’s all that matters.”

Yaxha Day 12
Blake was the first awake, watching a croc swimming in the river in the early morning dawn with delicate clouds of mist still rising from the water..... Ah, stuff that girly writing for a joke, let's get back to the ins and outs of the show.

Farm Boy Brandon was finding it a challenge getting to know the hyper student Brian, Football Chick Danni and Policewoman Amy. “I’m used to rednecks, hicks, farming type of people, but Amy’s never left the city." Bless her sweet heart - she ran around the camp trying to escape a huge flying bug on her shoulder, and was later receiving some instruction in wheat planting by Bobby Jon and Brandon. Which would be kind of like being taught how to live frugally by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Brian told us that “They’re kinda like people I would never like hang out with……and I don’t want to thank Jesus for this meal, if that’s OK, but I wouldn’t do that, it would be stupid.”

There was no pot mail to give us any clues as to what the Reward Challenge would be until they fronted up to the Probster. I was my usual blonde self in failing to understand every step but it seemd to be some kind of hellish uphill obstacle course involving the use of stone to cut through a rope; then chop through a log; race to the top of the platform to put the handles into a turnstile that would bring a cart up the hill towards them. Then the remaining tribe member would then cut through the rope to release the cart carrying the team down the hill. Or something along those lines - I was too distracted by the lovely fruchocs left by Catherine-the-Elegant after dinner.

The reward for all of this effort was a good one - margaritas, corn chips, guacamole and….. a croc-proof water cage for swimming and sunning themselves - a rather nice change from sprinkling a teaspoon of water on at a time in an effort to wash and cool themselves down.

Yaxha took the early lead thanks to Farmer Boy hacking through the rope with ease whilst Jamie struggled. Yaxha made it up to the top with the turnstile whilst Jamie was still trying to cut the first rope (maybe it would have been better if placed around his neck…) Yaxha rode their cart past Jamie and Nakum to win the prize in the biggest thrashing of the show yet. “Sorry guys,” said Jamie, almost looking as though he was crying. Stephenie looked ropable (weak pun intended)

Yaxha ran victoriously back to their camp to find a rather glamorous looking square swimming deck with sunloungers and umbrellas which was large enough for them all to fit in there at once. In a rare moment of braggartyness, Brandon told us: “You could say I won it for Yaxha.”
Gary told us: “We got a new superhero on our team and Kansas is loving him…and so am I.”

Check out this photo - if Brandon had any trouble cutting the rope, he could have used Danni's hip bones..!

Note to team: Give Danni ALL the guacamole or she’ll slip through the bars of the swim cage!

Over at Nakum, Jamie apologized to everyone for his total lack of rope cutting skills. However, Judd told us, “Man, what the hell…? is what we’re all thinking." His big mouth didn't stop flapping there either, as he mouthed off to Cindy and Margaret, telling them that “You guys should step up to be the stars you think you are.” Zookeeper Cindy did an admirable job of restraining herself from kneeing him in the goolies and pushing him into the croc-infested waters.

Super Steph told us that she's “Happy for BJ to win but he cheers like a frickin’ girl….I’m jealous. I’m biting my tongue at camp and I’m never going to cry in front of them ever…..I’m in a really bad dream that I can’t ever get out of….. I’m in the less-abled team that (pause) well, sucks basically”
Any admiration I had for her vanished quicker than a fruchoc in my house when Stephenie continued her tirade against my bonehead beefcake favourite boy BJ:“He’s gay, he’s like so gay…” Who, BJ or Jamie??

Don't you worry none, BJ. You're a purdier longhorned steer than she is, buckaroo or I'll strap my face to the side of a hog and get rolled over in the mud....

At Yaxha night 13 – during a rainstorm they huddled together miserably under an umbrella. However Blake “Golden Boy” and Brian stayed asleep under the shelter and seemed to be dry and oblivious to their shivering comrades.
Brandon told us that “Blake talks about himself all the time.” At camp he told them that “My girlfriend has got double Ds, she’s got big boobs.” Well thank you, Mr Man of the Year 2005. I'm sure that she'll be utterly thrilled to find out that that's what you decide to tell you team instead of anything about her intelligence, personality or political views. Don't worry, I've now stopped channelling Germaine Greer.

The Golden Boy got a kick out of regaling his less worldly team mates with endless tales of frat parties and exploits. Brian told us: “I’ve got a new game, it’s called Bait Blake…..it will show Danni and Bobby Jon what a complete moron he is. He’s digging himself into a big hole and I’m here to make sure he’s got a shovel.”

At Nakum on Day 14 they found themselves some pot mail. Steph: “I’m trying to get this bad luck that’s dwelling over my head away from me.”
Lydia tried her best – the poor, deluded old duck – to sing a cheerful song which went down as well as syphilis. The expressions on their faces showed us that she was the stand out candidate for the next one to go…..
Jamie (about L’s dancing) wasn't going to beat around the bush: “You look like you’re having a seizure”
Steph was merely puzzled, wondering “Where did the normal Lydia of yesterday go?’

The Immunity Challenge saw Nakum looking crabby. Jamie told Jeff that “We’re not going to smile until we win.”
The Probster explained that the challenge would have each tribe divided into two groups of three with one tribe member catapulting balls into the area for their team mates to catch in nets. The winner would be the first tribe to catch five balls in their nets.

Nakum were ahead 2 catches to one; then Yaxha tied it for two each. Soon Nakum led four catches to two, and eventually they caught the fifth one. Jamie yelled out “Who’s smiling now? Who’s smiling now?” Calm down Meat Head, you've only bought yourself a three day reprieve.

Back at camp, Yaxha found themselves fuming over Jamie’s immature antics and their loss. Brian was keen to start strategising as he realised that only three of their original tribe remained compared to the four new members from Nakum. He's a very strange looking chap isn't he – a kind of deranged chipmunk with a long, white pencil neck.

BJ “ I listen to Gary a lot because he’s smart.” That's nice, sweetie; now run along and hack a tree or two down for the fire, there's a good himbo.
Gary approached Danni and Amy to discuss voting out Blake first; but BJ and Blake were thinking about getting rid of Brian. Brandon told Danni that he wasn’t going to vote off Blake due to needing his strength, but was thinking about Amy. But Danni told us “I like Blake, but I don’t like that frat boy stuff…..I hate being the swing vote….” At least I think that's what she said - she's so horrifyingly thin, it's about all I can do to stop myself from screaming "GO and EAT SOMETHING - anything! Blake's HEAD if you must!"

At Tribal Council, Jeff found out that Amy had nicknamed Blake ‘Golden Boy’. Brandon admitted that he’s “…..starting to like some people a little bit more than others.”
Brian voted for Blake: “You may be the golden boy, but I’m platinum.”
Brandon voted for Brian, as did Blake, but Gary voted for Blake……Danni started writing the letter ‘B’ before we were shoved into the ad break.

Brian looked ill as his two votes were read out, but then Blake looked surprised that he, Golden Frat Boy with heaps of amusing stories was given the Big Elbow. My darling husband commented, “Well he’s not got the million bucks, or a girlfriend after talking about her big boobs on international television.” Our houseguest (and Masters Games gold, silver and bronze medal winner) Dale, liked what she saw and retorted “Oh I don’t know, he’d probably be fending off E-cups when he gets back.”

Next week – at Nakum, Margaret and Judd can’t get along; Amy takes another injury and Bobby Jon and Jamie bounce off each other yelling like a couple of baboons in heat…..

And if you want to know just how you're going compared to your competitors, just go to the premiership table for a gander - there's still quite a few of you that have your original three picks (plus either BJ or Super Steph) remaining.

See youse next week!

Ep 4 - Shuffle-ing Succotash!

2005-10-09T08:35:00.000+09:30

Camp Nakum, Day 9 - The episode opened with even the monkeys being too tired to do anything in the heat, lazing about in the trees, arms dropping languidly. Their neighbours, the less hairy humans were all flaked out under the shelter, feeling completely exhausted after their winning challenge

Margaret told us that "We're sapped of energy and the mosquitoes are unbelievable." Each team member was shown constantly slapping and waving them away and all of them were covered in itchy welts. An uncharacteristically drab Brandon summed up the heat, the lack of food and energy: "It completely wears you down. It's easier to lay around and do nothing...which is kind of pathetic. I can't imagine what the other losing team feels like."

Farmer Boy would have been mildly surprised (if he had the energy to be) because at Yaxha they were busy little bees trying to catch fish with their pots submerged in the water, before yanking them out and catching a few stray minnow. The perennially cheerful chappie Rafe told us that: "Gary and I are fishing machines - these minnows are in trouble; there's no stopping us." Bless him but what is he on? Is there some kind of natural high to be found in Guatemalen termites?

Not soon after, a huge crocodile ventured into their watering area. Hence, they were happy to continue washing themselves on the jetty and pour water over themselves with pots rather than to risk going in for a full dunk.

We viewers were then hurled straight into the Reward Challenge. Jeff acknowledged to the tribes that "You guys have endured arguably the toughest Survivor ever." The reward challenge was therefore going to involve answering questions about their other tribe mates instead of a gruelling physical challenge.

Which tribe member is most in need of some nourishment?
Yaxha chose = Jamie. Nakum = Danni.

Jeff gave them an apple each. Danni looks as though she needs to inhale an entire orchard, including the pigs eating the grass under each tree.....

Which tribe member is the smelliest?

Y= Gary. N = Bobby Jon.

They both got an outdoor bush shower and their team mates were telling them "Use all that soap, fellas!"

Note to self - does Survivor have any job vacancies for novice camerawomen for any Bobby Jon shower scenes?

From your tribe, which man and which woman most deserve a picnic afternoon?
Y= Gary and Amy N= Margaret and Judd
The Probster unveiled a generous hamper of chicken, potato salad, iced tea and sent them off for a feed and a chat on top of the ruins.

Which tribe member has the most tribe pride?
Y= Brian N= Cindy
Here Jeff had a twinkle in his eye and a grim smile. He told them that Brian would remain a Yaxha member and Cindy would remain a Nakum member. But - and it was a big BUT - Brian's old buddies Jamie, Rafe, Lydia and Stephenie were going to join Cindy over a Nakum and as for the proud Yaxhaian Brian, he would be welcoming Danni, Bobby Jon, Blake and Brandon.
Not forgetting that Yaxha picnickers Gary and Amy and Nakumians Margaret and Judd would be returning to their camps afterwards for a big surprise.

.....I think there'd be a few gals (and guys) in the world that would be happy to welcome young Blake in to their 'camp'....

At that moment though, the four of them were blissfully unaware as they sat at the top of the monument with a magnificent view of the lake, rainforest and, more importantly, food.
Margaret asked Gary about being an ex-football player, but he still denied it.
Amy told us later that "If he really is and is retired and is a millionaire, I'll kill him. I'll freakin' kill him."

Brian had to show his new tribe members the camp at Yaxha - and they arrived to a basket of fruit. He was very worried as he now only one of three original Yaxhaians with four new Nakumians. Amy and Gary got back to this new tribe. "What the ---- is going on?" said Amy.
To us: "We're decimated here, we're gone!"
Again, Danni asked him about his profootball background and he denied it. Again.
Gary: "I'm not going to blow my strategy." But do they believe him?

At Nakum, Margaret and Judd arrived to see Stephenie, Rafe and Jamie.
Margaret: "I don't feel safe at all." Instead, she hoped that her old tribe of Cindy, Brooke, herself and Judd would stick together. "Ah, whatever", Judd told Margaret. In fact he realised that he was the "King Kong" of his tribe now with the other alpha lads BJ, Brandon and Blake now at Yaxha. Stephenie and Jamie planned on edging out Brooke and keeping Lydia in to continue to have the numbers from old Yaxha lines. Judd then sat with them and offered up his allegiance. Judd told us "I feel good man...I have no problem targeting my old tribe....they gotta get out of my jungle."

Yaxha Day 11
Amy was still worried about the new guys: "There's four of them and three of us. They're going to pick us off one by one." Meanwhile, the scheming was going on as the lads went for a whizzer behind the ferns. BJ and Blake agreed that Brandon and Danni would form their four and they'd pick off Amy first. Amy tried her hardest to hide the pain of her sprained ankle and was bravely determined to not limp around the camp: "If I don't do well in the next challenge, I'm gone."

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to paddle out into the water to retrieve three bags full of Mayan war clubs. These had to be thrown at tiles with the first team breaking their tiles naturally being the winners. Nakum got ahead in the water and were the first to start throwing - Steph got a tile for Nakum almost immediately, then Danni and Blake got a couple of Yaxha. Judd got Nakum's second. Brandon clipped Yaxha's third tile but eventually broke it, to win immunity for Yaxha. Dear little Brian still showed his total loyalty and commitment to his team and no doubt was the first one to take out the feathers stuck in by the previously cocky Nakumians.

Poor old Stephenie is still on the losing team even though it has different people and a different name = Nakum. And oh dearie me, we got treated to a few too many seconds of film with Margaret's wisened little, shrunken boobs about to fall out of her gaping bikini top - not good editing, Survivor, not needed at all!

The merged tribe, classic Survivor problem raised it's head again after the tribe shakeups. The losing Nakum team had eight members with the likelihood that the vote would therefore be tied at 4 to 4 along original tribal lines. Judd was the deciding factor - was he going to join the Jamie/Steph/Rafe/Lydia alliance or stick with the gals from his old team - Brooke/Margaret/Cindy? He told us: "When I go to Tribal Council tonight I don't know who I'm going to choose until I get there."

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked, "Is Steph the bad luck that follows everywhere she goes?"
Margaret told Jeff that she noticed that Judd was talking with Steph and Jamie: "I hope he's only socialising." Hmm, that'd be enough for me (if I was Judd, that is) to vote with the others instead of being nagged by a nurse for hanging around the wrong people....

Brooke voted for Lydia;
Rafe voted for Brooke; and
Margaret voted for Lydia; meaning that it wouldn't be Lydia because she got two votes and it would be too obvious.

Hah, I was right - it wasn't Lydia. It was Brooke who was given the shove - so the Juddster decided to move along with his newer tribemates after all. Boo sucks to you Margaret because Judd sat there as Brooke left looking as cool as a cucumber in that tropical heat.

Next week - Judd is on the defensive with his 'old' team gals; Cultures clash at Yaxha and Lydia gets whacky.....

The Premiership table (just click on the word and it should take you there) shows that a few of you suffered this week with Brooke's demise..... Not me, though - nyah na na naaaaah......

Bobby Jon....Oooooooh Bobby Jon

2005-10-04T10:03:00.000+09:30

Last night I had a naughty dream. I'm sure it's to do with the fact that Love Chunks is currently out of the country at an international weather nerd get-together talk-fest in Chile, but also because Bobby Jon from the current series of 'Survivor' is a rather guilty pleasure.

He's about as intelligent as using scissors to cook spaghetti yet is admired by most for having the utmost determination to try as hard as he can in every single physical challenge. As Dianne Weist's ageing actress character in 'Bullets over Broadway' says to her younger lover, "Don't speak,' this should also be the case with Bobby Jon.

But back to last night during my REM when Bobby Jon emerged from my rather unsubtle unconscious into my dream state. He was dressed like he is here above, so, I was --- um-----I was (phew) ------ errr-------a bit distracted initially as to where we were. However I still seemed to have some of my conscious, awake-thoughts buzzing through my brain. Have you ever had a dream where, even though you're in it and enjoying yourself; you're also a spectator, thinking "Oh wow, this is going to be a great one!" ??? Or is it just me - I hope to god it's not or this entire blog will just cause you to pray harder for my mother ship to return and take me back to planet Zorkwad.

So there we were, BJ and I - him with his soulful, twinkling brown eyes ready for some naughty night action and me standing next to him ready to comply; yet also thinking as the spectator: "BRILLIANT! I can't believe my exhausted, middle-aged brain is serving up this particular treat to me tonight!"

It was then, alas, that my subconscious reminded me that, even though the guest star was one I liked, the storyline was to be all of it's own directing. Bobby Jon and I were talking with Jeff Probst, the hard-hearted host of the Survivor shows, and he handed us the keys to our own four door ute. He invited us to help ourselves to whatever supplies we wanted, which of course we did - water, food, blankets, tents, a full esky, drinks, firewood, deckchairs - everything but room service, it seemed.

We drove off to a rather romantic, steamy forest and set up a rather comfortable looking camp. To my unbelieving yet grateful eyes, Bobby Jon purposefully advanced toward me, all muscles, sweat and goofy hunkiness, swept me up into his arms and was about to take me back inside the -------- HEY! What are those people doing robbing our campsite? BJ dropped me like a bag of tent pegs and went sprinting out after them. "Come out here and help me!" he hollered.

After what seemed like hours of fighting off hordes of fit, strong and arrogant yanks, we were left with our ute, an esky (that I sat on, hence it was too difficult for anyone to move) and the deckchairs that BJ was swinging around like tennis racquets. 'Man oh man! This was supposed to be a fullblown BJ bonkfest fantasy, not Lord of the Flies', my conscious self bemoaned. If this was a movie, I could leave or demand a refund, but tonight I had to sit it out.

Things suddently got better and back on to the fantasy and fun track. "Aw, never mind about it," Bobby Jon said, gesturing to me, "We've still got all the time in the world to------"
'What now?' Jeff Probst had entered our tent, unzipped the door and was telling us something about doing a mandatory challenge involving jumping from our ute to another ute as they were driving down a road. 'Is a dream night of passion with Bobby Jon worth all of this crap?' I thought to myself.

Clearly, my dreamlike self thought so, as I found myself surfing on the back tray of our ute, with BJ driving with his head out of the window, yelling out to me to "Jump on over, there's a girl - we gotta win this one." I took a deep breath and leaped as far as I could out of the ute. There was no way I was going to make it, I was going to die......

"Aaaarguh!" I screamed in terror and found myself awake in the dark, in my Love Chunks-less bed - something just stuck it's tongue in my ear!! I scrambled out of bed quicker than a teenage boy being sprung by her parents. It was Milly the dog, who had worked out during the night that I was on my own, and her beloved Alpha Male, Love Chunks was not on the scene. It seemed as though she decided to give her bean bag the flick, trot up the hall to my room, jump up on the bed, wriggle underneath the quilt and lie close enough to me to give me a lick if she chose to. She knew she was not meant to, and gave me her best soggy eye look, with her tail thumping softly against the blankets in hope.

"Oh, all right, you can stay there, but only on top of the bed and down at my feet with no more licking, understand?" She gave me a lick on the hand to indicate that she understood. Sort of.

So, whilst lucky Danni is the one currently sleeping next to BJ on the show, I'll get to spend the next week with this creature:
Still, at least I'll be able to say to her, "Don't speak."

Ep 3 - Jocks of the Jungle

2005-10-01T22:55:00.000+09:30

Episode three started with some rather impressive shots of wildlife - what were those cute little, um, badger-squirrelly things with the stripy tails? Lemurs?

On Day 7 at Yaxha - everyone was asleep except Lydia who busy hauling in firewood, fully realising that it could have been her that had been voted off the night before. "The person I would have chosen would have been Brianna (the make up artist) because she's on the weak side." The feeling was mutual, as Brianna commented to camera re Lydia: "She's just not my cup of tea." Young Brian crowed to us re Morgan's demise over Lydia "That was one hundred percent me. I organised it." Nothing like a bit of self-congratulation, is there?

At Nakum they were driven out of their minds by the early morning roaring of a monkey overhead. Cindy the zookeeper reckoned he'd lost his group and was trying to find them. She tried to instruct Judd about their throats swelling up like a blowling ball, but he looked about as interested as Donald Trump at a 'Maintain your Modesty' workshop.
"I don't care what Dr Dolittle (Cindy) says, it's the most annoying noise I've ever heard in my life." What? Judd is a parent, isn't he? What's more annoying than the whine of a child from the back seat of a car? He went on to tell us that "It drives you crazy, man, nuts." At the ad break he illustrated this by hurling a huge tree trunk to the ground.

The Reward challenge was about to start - a very sweat-soaked Jeff yacked on about the continuing efforts of archaelogists in finding out more about the Mayan ruins. As such, each tribe was to find nine bundles of gear to make an archaeologists' tent. Of course it wouldn't be 'Survivor' if the Probster made it that easy for them. The tribe would be blindfolded whilst finding these items and directed by one of their team. All this effort to win the prizes of a tarp, lamp, lamp oil, rope, blankets and pillows.

Non-NFL Gary was the director for Yaxha and Brooke the legal student was the guide for Nakum. Poor old Nurse Margaret got a few dongs on the head and shoulder via an overzealous Bobby Jon, as did abnormally-abbed Danni. Yaxha found their items first and were then able to remove their blindfolds. Unfortunately they knew as much about erecting tent poles, ropes and canvas as I did. Jeff yelled out "There's a lot of confusion at Yaxha and Nakum are working well together and making up a lot of ground." You'd want to kill him if you were a Yaxha-ian, wouldn't you?

Sure enough it was won by Yakum. The fellas did their usual thing when they're happy - by lifting each other up in sweaty bear hugs. I guess it's no different than soccer players jumping up landing willy-first onto the faces of the goal scorer or having your arse patted by an AFL player - the only way they feel as though they can display any heterosexual affection to another male.

Yaxha were busy bitterly rueing their loss as they fumed around their water hole. It was interesting to see how they washed themselves via rags dipped in the water - no swimming due to the crocs in the water. Amy the policewoman was determinedly cheerful:"Working at a police station is a walk in the park compared to this. I don't care how bad it gets, I will not give up."

At Nakum, Beefcake BJ told us in his usual poetic and eloquent manner that he's "Not too used to winning, so it felt good." The midday heat was too exhausting to erect the shelter and they were so sick of the water tempting them that they decided to risk paddling out and dipping themselves in. At least the guys did; Cindy wasn't having a bar of it. "Eventually you just say screw it, I'm going to jump in. You gotta live on the edge, you know?" said a cleaner and more refreshed Brandon afterwards. "I've never felt more alive in my entire life."

Brianna was starting to feel a little bit under threat of being the next one to go over at Camp Yaxha and had appointed herself the camp's corn-grinder and chef. All of them were heartily sick of corn. Rafe said "Even throwing some dirt in the corn would be better because it's something different." This culinary frustration was enough for Rafe and Gary to eat live termites. "They were good protein, but not good tasting", Rafe admitted.

Meanwhile the Nakumian men were taking their sweet time having a chin-wag and general discussion about how and where to put up their tarpaulin. As all blokes do - all they missed was a beer in their hands and a BBQ to stand over. Nurse Margaret decided to appoint herself as a foreman, which was about as much appreciated as a fresh dog turd in your letter box.
Margaret wasn't too happy with the result: "We look like we've got a circus big top as a shelter."
Bobby Jon fumed about her to us. "I'm 28 years old. You can't tell a grown man what to do all the time." No prizes for guessing that BJ's single then. Even Judd told us "The only people who can tell me what to do are my boss and my wife. That's it."

Nakum Day 8 saw the arrival of some pot mail with body paint having to be used to adorn themselves before an ancient Mayan sport to be played at the immunity challenge. At Yaxha, Brian had obviously snorted up his termites instead of eating them as he bounced around like a painted peacock on acid trying to rev up the others to victory. Jamie ended up having to clamp his hand over Brian to keep his mouth. A nervous Lydia told us that "I hope I'll be a star out there."

The Immunity Challenge - hang on a minute - there was just a brief shot of Margaret with a B and an O painted on her chest? Is that really something she wants to advertise after eight days of only a few splashes of water in searing, 43C heat - that she has BO?

The game was called court ball, played on an elevated court of nets. No running or walking with the ball, just throwing and passing it before trying to throw it through a hoop. To me it seemed a bit like netball, only with teams of three and a lot more fun (and hopefully less bitchiness. I couldn't see Rafe saying to Jamie "Pass the ball to me, you mole!"). Brian scored the first goal which no doubt increased his enthusiasm level to a Spinal Tape-esque Number 11. Blake scored the next one.....

And so it went on. Danni showed us her extremely good athletic skills (and a physique not unlike a preying mantis) and Brianna was about as useful as a chocolate tea pot - she wasn't prepared to run or try to get into the game which caused Jamie to yell out at her to "Move it! Why aren't you moving!" Lydia was also hopeless (she kept running with the ball) but at least she gave it a go. Jeff reminded them of the temperature - 114 degrees F (43C). Amy had injured her ankle, so poor old Stephenie was the only gal on her team worth a cracker. It was won easily by Yakum. Again.

The Nakumians enjoyed a well-earned rest lying on their shelter before erecting it

Over at Yaxha we saw Stephenie say "I've already been here, I don't want to do this again.....Why why why just once can't I be on a great tribe?" Amy was determined not to focus on her ankle: "It would have to be falling off before I quit." Jamie wasn't focussed on getting rid of either Lydia or Amy - he wanted to get rid of Brianna. "She annoys me, she's not my type of girl. I like them crazy and pretty. She's neither." Ooooooh you bitch Jamie!

As for Gary, his main concern was having the strongest team. "You can have all the heart in the world, but if you're not strong..." I forgot what else he said as I was gazing at his blackened sunburnt lips. In fact they've all got peeling skin with delicate pink tender flesh underneath and I know the Aussie doctor on the show makes sunscreen available to them... Use it, you leathery fools!

At Tribal Council the Probster started off by asking Stephenie if she felt a bit of deja vu. He also asked her how it felt to be the only female player out there with other clueless female players. Brianna was on the defensive, saying that she'd never played basketball. Lydia admitted that she too wasn't too good, but tried her hardest. Amy downplayed her ankle: "I'm good to go." Gary didn't let it go: "Athleticism is big." She turned to him and said "Don't make the mistake of voting me out."

Not surprisingly we were shown Brianna's vote for Lydia and Jamie's for Brianna with his comment: "You're a girly girl. You need to go back to the shopping mall and leave the jungle." Jeff reached into the Mayan version of grandma's cookie jar to read the votes. It was Brianna by a landslide, with Jamie smirking smugly as she left.

Next week - Yaxha visited by crocs; misery plagues Yakum (especially in two shots of a despondent Brandon and Jeff) and we see Stephenie utter those over-used words: Oh---My---God---"

Brianna admitted that "I was the weakest link. You gotta be athletic out there...... I'm athletic but not as strong as these people." Que? You didn't even know what basketball was, let alone move anywhere on the court, so your description of yourself as athletic is a trifle exaggerated.

The all-important Premiership Table shows that only one of us had Brianna as our pick - that's you, Dr Boonie. Perhaps it's a good thing you've chosen a crap contestant but are doing much better in the field of medical research, hey?

Oh and to you Aussie viewers, I noticed that Channel nine said that Survivor was on at "The Special Day" of Saturday next week and I have no idea why. Surely it's not so that we have to suffer through the SANFL Best and Fairest 'night of nights'? As if we need to see what Narelle from Salisbury is wearing to complement her partner Darryl's mullet....??

Well that's it for now. Until next week, may none of you be told "The tribe has spoken", unless it's to receive the winning lotto cheque, a night of passion with Jude Law or your entire body weight in Lindt balls.....

Ep 2 - Mudslinging

2005-09-25T15:52:00.000+09:30

Tribe Nakum, Night 3

Bobby Jon moaned resignedly, "I feel like I live at Tribal Council.:

Margaret the nurse stayed true to her calling: "It's a sick feeling. We just don't have the strength for Tribal Council." Nor the intelligence to find your way back home either, by the looks of things.

Day 4 at Tribe Yaxha was a lot more relaxed and friendshio-focussed. Jamie considered that his team were 'Diverse', and summed up each players' profession and characteristics, naming himself a "Bum". So much for his bio of 'water ski instructor/actor' then. Gary was still maintaining his lie of being a landscaper, fervently hoping that no bright spark asked him any botanical questions regarding their jungle home. Steph too was glowing: "It's a good camp life....Good team morale....We're hoping to keep this family together a long time."

Poor old Blake was experiencing difficulty breathing at Nakum. Margaret looked concerned: "He's had no sleep, he's heaving, something's not right." The healthiest bloke of Nakum, Farmer Brandon, commented to us: "I'm not against the guy. You are hurtin' and everything but you just gotta man up." Let's hope that he doesn't need to be reminded of such advice if he ends up on the big white phone to God.....

Allow me to digress for a moment: Hmmm (wince) Margaret love, you may be a good nurse and all that, but I'm getting unwelcome flashbacks of the topless woman on the balcony from 'There's something about Mary' crossed with Donatella Versace.... Please find yourself a high necked t-shirt!

Back to the game. Pot mail had arrived with scant details of their Reward Challenge. At the site, it looked like something that Spiderman could do in his sleep but be a task that webless mortals would scarcely be able to get through. Ramps, ropes, bags to untie, drop into the water, swim back to the ramp and run back to the team. The reward for all that effort? Fishing lines, tackle, worms, hooks and weights. Personally I admired all the contestants' restraint in not saying to Jeff: "That's IT you scungy bastard? What a piss-weak prize! Where's the Doritos and beer?"

BJ was up against Jamie the Bum and sadly, revealed to us again that using the grey matter was not his forte. He hung from the ropes like a monkey meaning that he was forced to carry his entire body weight the hard way. Bum Boy instead cleverly scampered along the ropes with ease and thrashed BJ to the finish.
Cindy the zookeeper made up for BJ's lack of brain power and evened out the challenge.
Barfing Blake was up against Super Steph and did his best only to be pipped at the pcoalition SS. Not a bad effort for a guy who couldn't breathe properly.
Farmboy Brandon beat Gary the Gardener.
Rafe was CRAP! He felling in and was duly beaten by Margaret. Judd the butterball entered the fray and still beat Rafe, who tripped on the net ramp in exhaustion (and confusion) on his way back.
Concave-abdominalled Danni beat Brianna the make-up artist and then.....
Barfin' Blake braved it a second time and beat skinny student Brian, producing a victory for Nakum.
Rat-shit Rafe would have been feeling rather insecure......

Day 5 saw the Nakumians get up at, in Brandon's poetic words at "The butt crack of dawn" to try out their newly-won fishing gear. Blake looked as though barfin' wasn't his main activity any longer and also managed to hook a couple of fish for their feast.

Over at Yaxha, on the other hand, they were desperately trying to eat anything they could find -roots, leaves, grasshoppers - even a nest of ants. Gardening Gary was increasingly annoyed by Magician gal Morgan's laziness around their camp. The bitch in me just noticed how bad her skin was. Why dontcha get your boss Mandrake to magic those pustules away, hey pretty girl?

Rafe and Gary sampled a face full of biting ants, and Lydia did her best to bring home the bacon via ten tiny minnow caught in her tidal trap. She was hero of the hour - or five minutes, at least, and rather wisely noted that "The way to a man's heart is through the grill."

Noo Yoooowark doorman Judd was getting fed up with Nurse Margaret's coddling of Blake. Was he milking all of the nurturing and advice to 'lie down, rest' or was he really crook? Clearly there was a bit of jealously in the Judd-ster when he remarked to Farm Boy: "I want to be the big hero at the next challenge." Rather than Blake, obviously, who slowly hobbled past the butterball to go and lie down under a tree.

All too soon it was time for the Immunity Challenge: a tug of war in a pit of mud, made a bit more interesting when the Probster stated that they could also interfere with other team members in order to win. School Boy Brian tried to shove Danni aside and some gal's butt crack got fuzzed out by the producers. I just had to pity the poor thing afterwards, trying to deal with a wad of mud up her arse and the having only available water to wash it out being infested by crocodiles.......

Time ran out and neither team won the tug of war, so it was time for one-on-one showdowns. First team to win three would win the immunity idol.

Gardening Gary vs Butterball Judd - Danni yelled out to everyone within earshot, "You can do it Judd, even though he's a quarterback." So much for his secret not being found out then. Judd did it; his bulk bettering Gazza's more wiry frame
Bum Boy Jamie vs Farm Boy Brandon: it was a tight contest until the Bumster fell and got pulled along by Brandon. Two wins to Nakum.
Jamie, despite losing to Brandon, was in the ooze again representing Yaxha, against Judd. It was only in the final ten seconds that Judd used every ounce of his strength to yank Bum Boy over to his side; granting victory to Nakum.

Well Judd my man, you were the hero of the challenge after all!

The look on Bobby Jon's face said it all: thank god I don't have to go back to Tribal Council!

Day 6 found Yaxha a melting pot of strategizing, sneaky chats and campaigning. Bum Boy tried to get Gary and Rat-shit Rafe in on his plan to vote off Stephenie, but Gary confided to us that "We gotta have strength on our side." For now, anyhow.

Amy, bless her naive little heart, told Stephenie of the above boys' plans. "I'm the strongest girl, why would they vote me off, it's retarded! I refuse to go," Stephenie glowered. Onyer luv!

Then student boy Brian approached Gary directly to ask him if he was indeed an NFL quarterback. Gary flatly denied it, but Brian wasn't swallowing (his story, I mean, get your minds out of the gutter!) He told us that "Danni told me. She said, "I'm a sportscaster, I know'."

Gary went back to have another chat with Rat-shit to convince him to vote out Morgan, known for doing zilch around the camp; or Lydia who was not as physically strong in challenges. Amy, Super Steph, Rafe and Gary were leaning towards ousting Lydia...... but Gary then spoke with Brainy boy Brian, who pointed out that Lydia worked harder and was not the reason they lost the immunity challenge. Later, when Lydia asked Gary if she was going to be the one going that night, he didn't deny it....... Like meatloaf through a straw, so are the Days of Their Lives.....

At Tribal Council, my hubby Love Chunks commented that even Jeff looked hot and sweaty in the grueling Guatemalen climate. He firstly commented on the threat of Stephenie which prompted Bum Boy Jamie to remark that "She plays like a guy," which, I think, was his idea of a grudgingly granted compliment. Then the Probster tactfully pointed out to Lydia that she was the least athletic of the tribe.

But nah, she didn't need to worry, it was Morgan who was voted out unanimously. Morgan was stunned: "I really didn't see it coming." Yeah well next time forget the magic and try your hand at doing some chores, zit queen. Now go home and have a mighty good feed, there's a clever girl.

Next week - Nakum defies the crocodiles - perhaps personal hygiene is more important than the threat of some old reptiles in the water.......and at Yaxha, Amy's injured and looks to be in some kind of trouble.......

Two of us scored a hit on the Premiership Table, dammit, but we can all take heart that Beefcake BJ and Super Steph are still in with a chance.

See youse all next week. Here in Oz the show is repeated on channel nine at Sunday lunchtime, so don't bash your head against the wall if you have a social life and forgot to set your VCR on Friday night.

Ep Two is on (Aussie) TV tonight ch 9 at 7:30

2005-09-23T13:17:00.000+09:30

....so use this as an excuse to order pizza and stay in on the couch; to have a 'quiet night in after a long week' and in order to prepare yourselves for the inevitable Grand Final BBQs tomorrow.

I'll be posting a summary of episode two by Monday (at the latest) and a link to the premiership table.

Have a good weekend all of youse.....

Final FOUR now, instead of final three

2005-09-20T09:35:00.000+09:30

To use a well-worn phrase pertaining to mental capacity - I've long been known to lack that plastic stuff that connnects the six pack cans together, and have been reminded by Kirstie that we may need to change our final three picks now that Bobby Jon and Stephenie have rejoined the fray.

So, to you 26 eager beavers out there - send me your choice between Stephenie and BJ and I'll add them to your final FOUR picks, OK?

Episode 1 Survivor

2005-09-18T21:44:00.000+09:30

Episode 1 – Survivor Guatemala

Well, the first episode of the eleventh survivor season brought a rather interesting surprise and a predictable ending, but you’ll discover that later (or have already done so, if you watched the show).

Jeff Probst was filmed strolling through some impressive Mayan ruins, informing us that the place was infested with jaguars (the mean spotted wild cats, not the cars unless they feature later as the prize in a reward challenge), snakes, spiders and crocodiles. He went on to say that the competitors would be suffering through extreme temperatures, high humidity and storms, yet he wondered just why the Mayan culture disappeared. It’s not that hard to figure out, Jeff love – they simply got sick to death of living in a place with all of the nasty crap mentioned above roaming around in the back yard not including the other attractions such as foot-rot, spiky tree branches, monkeys overhead sounding like Cujo in heat, having ants to look forward to as your pre-dinner snack and never being able to get your washing dry.

In this series, the tribes had already been decided prior to the first challenge. No wild shocks or excitement there, then. However the second change was a bit more of a surprise – each tribe was to be given a ‘tool’ to help them; in this case a human version – Bobby Jon and Stephenie; the two hardest working losers of the last series set in Palau. Jeff told the tribes that BJ and Stephenie were also bonafide players with their eyes on the million bucks. Jamie, the waterskiing/wannabe actor with spare tyres for eybrows wasn’t impressed: “All the girls think Stephenie’s their hero. I didn’t shed a tear – how am I going to win a million dollars if she’s here?” (Note to non-Aussies reading this: A “tool” in our slang means a wanker/jerk – here’s hoping that BJ and Super S don’t live out that particular meaning….)

The Probster, never a big fan of milling about, immediately set them on their reward challenge: an eleven mile (or 17.6km for us metrics) hike through the jungle to find canoes in order to paddle them to the preferred tribal camp site. The first tribe would win that site as their home for the next 39 days and a flint to light fire. Each tribe had to decide (and quickly, because time was a wastin’) how much of the corn, water and fruit they were prepared to drag along with them.

Nakum team member Brandon the Farm Boy told us “The last time I hiked eleven miles was like, never,” and we were immediately treated to lovely ‘Funniest Home Video’ scene of him flipping onto his arse and losing all of his bananas; the irony not lost on me that it wasn’t the bananas that caused him to slip in the first place. Meanwhile, on the other team (Yaxha), Stephenie expressed concern about being too strong and too obvious a target: “Maybe they do just want to get rid of me.”

Super Steph needn’t have bothered worrying. She and Gary the secret Dallas Cowboys dude (hereby known as Gazza, seeing as this is an Aussie site), took control of the compass and tried to lead their team through the forest. Rafe, the gay-Mormon Boris-Becker-lookalike noted that “The leader is always the one who steps out and gets voted off first. Gary’s the tallest, has grey hair….” Gary thought the same: “I don’t want to be a leader but my paternal instinct will kick in with these kids.” Whatever, footy-boy: it’s Stephenie who’s leading this tribe already, not you, lovey puss.

Team Nakum

At Nakum, they too were struggling, slipping, slashing and sweating. Judd the pud admitted that “I’m just a freakin’ doorman from Noo Yooark. I never been camping.” His comrade Blake, fulfilling the show’s requirement for the model-slash-whatever-cute boy player, got struck by a rampaging tree branch. It was a spiky little bastard that left most of its prickly bits in his shoulder. Luckily nurse Margaret was on hand to pluck them out and to remind him to keep up his water intake.

By night fall, neither tribe was within cooo-ee of finding their camp, let alone the canoes needed to paddle them there. At Nakum, poor old Blake spent the night doubled-over praising god over a tree root with Margaret telling us that the chuck-fest was in response to the pain from his shoulder.

On Day two – very early on Day Two – both tribes were woken up by Guatemala’s own natural alarm clocks – some treetop monkeys roaring and growling in the trees directly above them. Amy described it as “Being like (the movie) Predator”, but at least they didn’t have to put up with that ‘ol condom-full-of-walnuts / piece-of-dead-wood otherwise known as Arnie being on their team as well.

Somehow Yaxha (Steph and Gazza’s crew) stumbled across Nakum, who mustered up enough energy to start running ahead of them in the rain. Yaxha had a couple of laggers (Chunky fishmonger Lydia and Amy the podgy policeperson) and saw their hopes of winning the hike disappear as far up the muddy garden path as their enemies Nakum.

Team Yaxha

The Nakum Tribe, whilst leading, suffered their second injury. Bobby Jon felt extremely cold and fell to the ground with his right leg suffering severe cramps. Nurse Margaret took him under her wing and got him going again, noting that it was another case of dehydration and intense physical overexertion. His team mates were a bit shocked. Cindy the zoo keeper said “We didn’t expect this guy to go down so early.”

BJ……when upright

Somehow they made it to their canoe and to the winning campsite first. Judd, in Brandon the Farm Boy’s words, “Had a premature evacuation and ended up in mud like quicksand.” Hmmm, judging by that comment, young Brandon ‘aint the innocent, un-eduh-macated hayseed he’s trying to present himself as, is he?

Just think: the first task of the competitors was to undertake a grueling, 24 hour trek through Satan’s own fernery, with the losing team rather tersely told by Jeff to bugger off and keep paddling to their own less grand and fireless place. Bless their sweet hearts though, the Yaxha team didn’t stay down for long. Like a bunch of sweaty munchkins they immediately started making their shelter. Super Steph was all smiles: “I’m finally on a tribe that’s got as much spirit and determination as me.” Look I’m sure she’s right but these yanks aren’t exactly modest about their qualities are they? If it was an Aussie in her position, we’d be more likely to say “Not bad here.”

The winning Nakumians started to look as though they’d had a huge beer and vodka party the night before and were now suffering the hangovers. Blake was still in technicolour yawn mode; Judd joined him and Jimbo the old guy also visited the puke party and then slumped under a tree looking 93 instead of his 63 years.

Bobby Jon was flat-out on the ground, exhausted and cramped. His eyes started rolling back in his head whilst Margaret called out his name in order to bring him back to earth. In a scene to camera later, he managed to sit up and say “Palau was recess compared to Guatemala.” Interestingly all the Nakumian girls were fine, as was Farm Boy Brandon, but I’m sure as hell they wouldn’t have appreciated the lovely vomit odour surrounding them in those humid and hellishly hot conditions….

Day 3 dawned with a challenge in their, er, ‘pot mail’? It’s fairly easy to assume that the challenges in the first few episodes of the shows are going to be physically stressful with a huge reliance on male muscle. This one fit the bill perfectly – rowing out to a “Booey” (or ‘boy’ to us who talk different but more gooder), rowing back to the beach and pulling the boat along via ropes and logs.

Super S got her foot caught under a log and Danni tripped and fell under one. That didn’t surprise me at all – that woman has got more than a six pack, she’s got a whole slab (24 cans) worth of muscles in her emaciated stomach. It’s concave and she had the nerve to tell NW in an interview this week that “I used to be a model, so I’m used to going without food. It sucks, because I like to eat.” Sure doesn’t look like you do, dearie.

Yaxha won the event which was a foregone conclusion considering that four of Nakum’s fellas were still fighting off the sudden spew syndrome. Stephenie was jubilant because it was the first time ever that she was not required to attend a Tribal Council eviction.

Back at Nahum, Jimbo cemented his place amongst the sick bay, unlike Judd who was a mere visiting vomiter with a temporary day pass. Somehow the old guy managed to pull his bicep muscle out when he thought everyone was lifting up their boat but he mistimed it and it all went ‘pop’. Kind of like his chances at recovery really.

Margaret got it right when she commented that with one third of their team down, fart-arseing about trying to strategize was a complete waste of time. Well she might have said it a bit more politely than that, this is just paraphrasing. The Judd man was still having a bit of a go at trying to convince Brooke the law student that his hurling hell was over: “I’m adapting to this jungle life now.”

Tribal Council was set in a rather dramatic non-set, if you will. Instead of painted foam rocks and Mitre 10 bamboo sheeting, they were in a real Mayan temple. Danni, she of the abnormal abdominals, appeared to have a John Waters style tiny moustache due to the lighting. Judd the pud was still trying to reassure his team – and Jeff – that he was fine: “I puked and got right back up again. I’ll do a backflip for you if you like.”

The voting was like taking food away from Nicole Richie – too, too easy. Jimbo was given the flick – too injured and too old to recover in time to be any use for the early physical challenges. Tough luck for the poor old bugger, but he didn’t seem to mind: “I don’t blame the guys for voting me out….I hope nobody gets hurt.” Or at least, no worse than they already are……

Seeya Jimbo

Did you notice that everyone voted for Jim and he voted – obviously not for himself, but for Margaret? That seemed a bit bloody ungrateful to me – she was the one who tried to put his arm in a sling and give him some medical attention, and there he was trying to snuff out her torch. What did he expect – a brand new bicep made out of monkey poo?

The Premiership table shows that only two of you selected Jim as your final three so here’s a mature and empathetic “Nyah nyah na na naaaa” to Andrea A and Jillaroo.

Next week it looks as though Super Steph is baulking at having to inhale ants for dinner; there’s lot of mud and a classic shot of Bobby Jon straining like a glue-eater at the toilet bowl in a rather muddy looking challenge and Blake really suffering…. Stay tuned, and I’ll put up a post about next week’s episode as soon as I can afterwards.

It's ON - Friday night (16th) at 7:30pm, Channel 9

2005-09-10T22:04:00.000+09:30

...which is a bit of a bugger really because I'm co-MC-ing a quiz night for our daughter's school fundraiser but I know I'll be hyped up enough to watch it as soon as I get home, kick off my heels and rewind the video.

I'll post an account of the show by Monday plus a copy of the Premiership table for youse all to see who you picked; who other players picked and who's already lost one of their final three picks.

Nudey Rudey's in trouble again

2005-09-10T11:54:00.000+09:30

E!online reports:

OUTWIT, OUTSMART, OUTPLAY? Original Survivor champ Richard Hatch indicted Thursday on 10 counts of tax evasion and fraudulently using charitable donations to hide personal expenses. He's also accused of failing report to the $1 million jackpot he won on the CBS reality series in 2001.

Toughest ever? As usual....

2005-09-08T17:12:00.000+09:30

This tiny feature was found on the ninemsn website today:

The heat is on
Just how tough will the new series of Survivor get? We’ve heard it before – that this season of Survivor is going to be “the toughest one ever”. But could it be true this time?

“We’d been accused of getting too soft,” explains host Jeff Probst. “On this one, we decided to return to our roots and make it as tough on the Survivors as possible.”

The heat in Guatemala is fierce, with temperatures reaching 50°C during filming. Although the tribes’ camps were on the shores of Lake Yaxha, no one could swim because the lake is infested with crocodiles. There were also plenty of scorpions and tarantulas to contend with.

Within the first 24 hours, Survivors were struck down with dysentery and heatstroke, and some even considered quitting. “We may have gone too far this time,” says executive producer Mark Burnett.

We'll see soon enough.......

Oooh, gossip re last series' runner-up Katie

2005-09-07T09:03:00.000+09:30

E!online website reports that: 'SURVIVE THIS: Katie Gallagher, the runner-up on Survivor: Palau, arrested for drunken driving last week in her hometown of Merced, California. Gallagher was held overnight and released Thursday morning, police said.'

Oh well, we all hated her anyway - she was an ill-deserved second-place getter who was expertly selected by Fireman Tom. You should have the least-deserving player next to you at the end so that, even if the other players on the jury don't like what you did to them; they'll hate the other player even more.

Rumour from Who ('People' to US folk)

2005-09-07T04:58:00.000+09:30

It says in this week's edition of Who magazine on page 75 that:
'CBS previously announced that 18 people would compete in season 11, but the net has unveiled only 16' Yeah, we all know that so far, but the tiny paragraph goes on to say that 'Rumour has it that Palau's Bobby Jon and Stephenie will pop up - to extend their epic losing streak.' Oooh, wouldn't that make things interesting?

Nine of you are in, another four are going to - who else wants to play?

2005-09-05T14:22:00.000+09:30

G'day again - only 9 more sleeps to go for youse lucky Americans and hopefully there's less than fourteen for us keen Aussies.

So far, via this blog or via my other one: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/ I've got nine dead certs in for the competition (pick your final three Survivors from the descriptions below in my post of Monday August 29 on Blurb from the Burbs or via this blog's post of Wednesday August 31), four who have said they will get around to sending their picks in and moi. We need more players.

No, you don't win anything. That's why it's free, you greedy little bugger. Just read through the descriptions of each of the sixteen contestants and, via the comments field, give me your final three picks before the shops shut (5pm, here in Oz) on 15th September. Stop moaning about how you don't know any of them; that's the idea. It can be alternately frustrating and hilarious to find yourself barracking for a player that - as shown on TV- repulses you. Come on, you know you want to!

Woo Hoo - Channel Nine's committed

2005-09-05T12:26:00.000+09:30

Hi there Survivor-philes

On the channel nine website :http://tvshows.ninemsn.com.au/ they've got a tiny video clip of their 'Coming soon to channel nine.... Survivor Guatemala' promo.

No mention of dates or times yet, but hopefully they'll be at least within the week that the episodes are played out in the US. Stay tuned!

Survivor 11 Contestants - Pick 3

2005-08-31T09:26:00.000+09:30

Survivor 11 – Guatemala

Here’s what the official blurb from the CBS website (www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor11) says: “Stranded deep in the Guatemalan rainforests amidst the ruins of an ancient civilization, 16 castaways must live together and compete for the million-dollar prize. Who will outwit, outplay and outlast all others in Guatemala?’

Despite getting on my high horse about the crassness and stupidity of shows like Big Brother, Temptation Island et al, I love Survivor. I’ve seen every series except the first which was probably a blessing in disguise because there was enough of Richard Hatch’s nudey-rudey exploits in the All-Star series. If you’re a fan like me, or mildly interested or keen to have a cyber bet on who will win (without having anything to go on other than the players’ descriptions), then write a comment under this post with your email details, playing ‘name’ (it can be a nickname) and your final three picks for the ultimate survivor. I will be posting a summary of each episode and a Premiership Table of those in the competition.

So, who are they?

Amy – 39 year old police sergeant. Looks like one too. She’s an ex-professional football player (only in America….) who likes weight training. Surprisingly she’s straight and married with two cats.

Blake – 24 year old real estate broker and aspiring model who studied at Oxford. Well, he was there for a year but it sounds intellectual and stuff. He lists his three favourite activities as skydiving, hunting (??!) and kissing. If you check out the width of his mouth, you may feel a little frightened if he lunged in to suck your face….

Brandon – 22 year old farmer who looks like the half-brother of the pop group Hanson or a surfer who took a pipeline too far into the bible belt. He’s most proud of climbing to the top of his local radio tower and therefore shows us that he has about as much life experience as a soft-boiled egg.

Brian – 22 year old student with a psychology degree. Was voted ‘Prom Prince’ and ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ in high school. Like Brandon, he has absolutely no life experience but “I’ve written papers on it.” Let’s hope that the youngster realises that he could be risking more than a paper cut or liquid paper inhalation injury in Guatemala.

Judd – 34 year old hotel doorman. Looks like Boston Rob’s older brother crossed with a Lindt ball. Likes baseball (obviously watching it with a bag of Doritos, not playing), bike riding (ditto) and coaching his daughter’s softball team. Married with one kid.

Lydia – 42 year old fishmonger. Reckons that she’s lived all over the world as an ‘army brat’ and has a degree in early childhood education, which may come in handy when dealing with all of the young uns in Guatemala. Likes to swim, so hopefully she can translate her fish-mongering skills into fish catching skills.

Margaret – 43 year old nurse who works at a clinic providing free healthcare to poor families. Loves scuba diving, volleyball and hiking through rainforests. Is married with 2 sons and 2 dogs. Too wholesome for me to mock (at this stage, anyway).

Morgan – 21 year old Magician’s Assistant and waitress who already looks like she could do with a long hard session at a smorgasbord. Morgan was a dancer in high school and a cheerleader in college. No mention of a degree, so I’m going to think the worst of the US tertiary system and assume it’s a Bachelor of Pep Rallying.

Rafe – 21 year old student who looks like Boris Becker’s kookier younger brother. Was raised by a Mormon inventor father and artist mother and spent his childhood “painting rocks and taking machines apart.” As you do. Now studying biology and anthropology and runs a cooking class for other students. A busy little chap, isn’t he?

Gary – 46 year old ex-NFL Quarterback for the Dallas cowboys, now a real-estate developer. What the hell does he need a million bucks for? Surely some of the others (maybe the older ones) will have heard of him? Likes hunting and horseback riding and is married with four kids, 1 dog, a cat and three horses. A real contender, if the others don’t gang up on him and kick him out.

Jamie – 24 year old water-ski instructor based in California; so yes, he’s also an aspiring actor. His portrait shows a bowl-cut and eyebrows that the Oasis brothers would kill for. Was his high school’s wrestling champion, but bucked the bonehead trend and also got a degree in finance. Actually maybe he is still a bonehead – why earn a degree in finance, only to work as a ski instructor wanting to be an actor?

Jim – 63 year old retired firefighter. He started in the marines, and then worked as a firefighter. After he retired, he climbed the Himalayas and some other pointy places in Peru. He’s currently taking helicopter flying lessons and is building one of his own. At least he’s not under his wife’s feet at home. Has three grown children.

Brianna – 21 year old make up artist, and obviously a huge fan of Magic Tan, if her photo is to be believed. Was a high school cheerleader and dancer and a member of the Christian Youth Club. Hmmm, a cute-but-god-lovin’ bimbo – must have been a real challenge for the guys at her school!

Cindy – 31 year old zookeeper who previously worked as a pet counselor (????) Looks very fit and muscular as indicated by her hobbies of fishing, camping and canoeing. Another genuine contender (as long as she has a sense of humour).

Brooke – 26 year old law student with eyebrows like exhausted commas. (If that description doesn’t make you curious enough to visit NBC’s website, nothing will). Likes skiing (are you listening, Jamie) and playing Frisbee with her dog.

Danni – 30 year old sports radio co-host. Looks gorgeous enough to be on TV, not radio, so it’s no surprise that she’s an ex-model as well. Was Miss Kansas in 1996 and still holds the 2 mile relay record at her high school. She loves to play, read and talk about all sports. And she’s SINGLE fellas!

So, do you want to play? If yes, please send me your final three picks by close-of-business 15th September by writing to me via the comments box at the end of this article. Include your real name (just for me), your game name (for public consumption) and your final three picks.I was sad and desperate enough to phone Channel Nine who have confirmed that they will be playing the series, but aren’t sure yet on what date or what time. Stay Tuned!