Ep 2 - Mudslinging

Tribe Nakum, Night 3

Bobby Jon moaned resignedly, "I feel like I live at Tribal Council.:

Margaret the nurse stayed true to her calling: "It's a sick feeling. We just don't have the strength for Tribal Council." Nor the intelligence to find your way back home either, by the looks of things.

Day 4 at Tribe Yaxha was a lot more relaxed and friendshio-focussed. Jamie considered that his team were 'Diverse', and summed up each players' profession and characteristics, naming himself a "Bum". So much for his bio of 'water ski instructor/actor' then. Gary was still maintaining his lie of being a landscaper, fervently hoping that no bright spark asked him any botanical questions regarding their jungle home. Steph too was glowing: "It's a good camp life....Good team morale....We're hoping to keep this family together a long time."

Poor old Blake was experiencing difficulty breathing at Nakum. Margaret looked concerned: "He's had no sleep, he's heaving, something's not right." The healthiest bloke of Nakum, Farmer Brandon, commented to us: "I'm not against the guy. You are hurtin' and everything but you just gotta man up." Let's hope that he doesn't need to be reminded of such advice if he ends up on the big white phone to God.....

Allow me to digress for a moment: Hmmm (wince) Margaret love, you may be a good nurse and all that, but I'm getting unwelcome flashbacks of the topless woman on the balcony from 'There's something about Mary' crossed with Donatella Versace.... Please find yourself a high necked t-shirt!

Back to the game. Pot mail had arrived with scant details of their Reward Challenge. At the site, it looked like something that Spiderman could do in his sleep but be a task that webless mortals would scarcely be able to get through. Ramps, ropes, bags to untie, drop into the water, swim back to the ramp and run back to the team. The reward for all that effort? Fishing lines, tackle, worms, hooks and weights. Personally I admired all the contestants' restraint in not saying to Jeff: "That's IT you scungy bastard? What a piss-weak prize! Where's the Doritos and beer?"

• BJ was up against Jamie the Bum and sadly, revealed to us again that using the grey matter was not his forte. He hung from the ropes like a monkey meaning that he was forced to carry his entire body weight the hard way. Bum Boy instead cleverly scampered along the ropes with ease and thrashed BJ to the finish.
• Cindy the zookeeper made up for BJ's lack of brain power and evened out the challenge.
• Barfing Blake was up against Super Steph and did his best only to be pipped at the pcoalition SS. Not a bad effort for a guy who couldn't breathe properly.
• Farmboy Brandon beat Gary the Gardener.
• Rafe was CRAP! He felling in and was duly beaten by Margaret. Judd the butterball entered the fray and still beat Rafe, who tripped on the net ramp in exhaustion (and confusion) on his way back.
• Concave-abdominalled Danni beat Brianna the make-up artist and then.....
• Barfin' Blake braved it a second time and beat skinny student Brian, producing a victory for Nakum.
  Rat-shit Rafe would have been feeling rather insecure......

Day 5 saw the Nakumians get up at, in Brandon's poetic words at "The butt crack of dawn" to try out their newly-won fishing gear. Blake looked as though barfin' wasn't his main activity any longer and also managed to hook a couple of fish for their feast.

Over at Yaxha, on the other hand, they were desperately trying to eat anything they could find -roots, leaves, grasshoppers - even a nest of ants. Gardening Gary was increasingly annoyed by Magician gal Morgan's laziness around their camp. The bitch in me just noticed how bad her skin was. Why dontcha get your boss Mandrake to magic those pustules away, hey pretty girl?

Rafe and Gary sampled a face full of biting ants, and Lydia did her best to bring home the bacon via ten tiny minnow caught in her tidal trap. She was hero of the hour - or five minutes, at least, and rather wisely noted that "The way to a man's heart is through the grill."

Noo Yoooowark doorman Judd was getting fed up with Nurse Margaret's coddling of Blake. Was he milking all of the nurturing and advice to 'lie down, rest' or was he really crook? Clearly there was a bit of jealously in the Judd-ster when he remarked to Farm Boy: "I want to be the big hero at the next challenge." Rather than Blake, obviously, who slowly hobbled past the butterball to go and lie down under a tree.…

All too soon it was time for the Immunity Challenge: a tug of war in a pit of mud, made a bit more interesting when the Probster stated that they could also interfere with other team members in order to win. School Boy Brian tried to shove Danni aside and some gal's butt crack got fuzzed out by the producers. I just had to pity the poor thing afterwards, trying to deal with a wad of mud up her arse and the having only available water to wash it out being infested by crocodiles.......

Time ran out and neither team won the tug of war, so it was time for one-on-one showdowns. First team to win three would win the immunity idol.

• Gardening Gary vs Butterball Judd - Danni yelled out to everyone within earshot, "You can do it Judd, even though he's a quarterback." So much for his secret not being found out then. Judd did it; his bulk bettering Gazza's more wiry frame
• Bum Boy Jamie vs Farm Boy Brandon: it was a tight contest until the Bumster fell and got pulled along by Brandon. Two wins to Nakum.
• Jamie, despite losing to Brandon, was in the ooze again representing Yaxha, against Judd. It was only in the final ten seconds that Judd used every ounce of his strength to yank Bum Boy over to his side; granting victory to Nakum.

Well Judd my man, you were the hero of the challenge after all!

The look on Bobby Jon's face said it all: thank god I don't have to go back to Tribal Council!

Day 6 found Yaxha a melting pot of strategizing, sneaky chats and campaigning. Bum Boy tried to get Gary and Rat-shit Rafe in on his plan to vote off Stephenie, but Gary confided to us that "We gotta have strength on our side." For now, anyhow.

Amy, bless her naive little heart, told Stephenie of the above boys' plans. "I'm the strongest girl, why would they vote me off, it's retarded! I refuse to go," Stephenie glowered. Onyer luv!

Then student boy Brian approached Gary directly to ask him if he was indeed an NFL quarterback. Gary flatly denied it, but Brian wasn't swallowing (his story, I mean, get your minds out of the gutter!) He told us that "Danni told me. She said, "I'm a sportscaster, I know'."

Gary went back to have another chat with Rat-shit to convince him to vote out Morgan, known for doing zilch around the camp; or Lydia who was not as physically strong in challenges. Amy, Super Steph, Rafe and Gary were leaning towards ousting Lydia...... but Gary then spoke with Brainy boy Brian, who pointed out that Lydia worked harder and was not the reason they lost the immunity challenge. Later, when Lydia asked Gary if she was going to be the one going that night, he didn't deny it....... Like meatloaf through a straw, so are the Days of Their Lives.....

At Tribal Council, my hubby Love Chunks commented that even Jeff looked hot and sweaty in the grueling Guatemalen climate. He firstly commented on the threat of Stephenie which prompted Bum Boy Jamie to remark that "She plays like a guy," which, I think, was his idea of a grudgingly granted compliment. Then the Probster tactfully pointed out to Lydia that she was the least athletic of the tribe.

But nah, she didn't need to worry, it was Morgan who was voted out unanimously. Morgan was stunned: "I really didn't see it coming." Yeah well next time forget the magic and try your hand at doing some chores, zit queen. Now go home and have a mighty good feed, there's a clever girl.

Next week - Nakum defies the crocodiles - perhaps personal hygiene is more important than the threat of some old reptiles in the water.......and at Yaxha, Amy's injured and looks to be in some kind of trouble.......

Two of us scored a hit on the Premiership Table, dammit, but we can all take heart that Beefcake BJ and Super Steph are still in with a chance.

See youse all next week. Here in Oz the show is repeated on channel nine at Sunday lunchtime, so don't bash your head against the wall if you have a social life and forgot to set your VCR on Friday night.