Ep 14 - Final four, then three, two and one
This is probably the last post on Survivor 11 - Guatemala. I was feeling very tired, grumpy and achey and went to bed early last night like a year six year old who'd "had a big day", but still managed to watch some of it propped up in bed.
Four were left - Danni Long Legs, Raucous Rafe, Super Steph and Lydia the Useless. Lydia even admitted as much: "They've kept me around because I've been like a mother around camp - cooking, fetching water, cleaning." Right, and in the history of Survivor, no camp cleaner has won the million bucks.
Still, Lydia went all loony when she reached the pot-mail and correctly guessed that some local Mayans would be visiting their camp.
All four remaining survivors were politely observing the non-English chanted ceremony and enjoyed the tamales (what exactly are tamales anyway? You often hear of a yank referring to a woman as a 'hot tamale') What interested the four most, however, was the live chicken. Would they get to eat it, wondered Stephenie. Rafe scolded her with, "No, we're so lucky to be enjoying this culture." I don't know that the chicken felt all that lucky somehow, especially after its head was twisted off and its body thrown on the fire.
After the Mayans were gone, Stephenie's hunger got the better of her and she and Lydia plucked the chicken (pun intended) from the fire. Danni ate some as well, but Rafe refused out of respect for Mayan culture. Culture Schmulture thought the others as they tucked in. As soon as they'd finished licking their fingers, a huge rainstorm struck their camp - a message from the gods, or just the pissed-off chook itself?
No reward challenges in these final stages of the game but straight on to the immunity event. The show's carpentry, props and designer teams had outdone themselves, making a huge eagle-shaped maze. The final four had to find their way through the hellhole to find the relevant sticks, make their way to the centre, walk across some watery steps to climb up to their platform. When all sticks were gathered they then had to put together a Mayan-inspired puzzle. I felt tired just looking at the maze.
Rafe won - that's right, no details about who did what and when. The redhead won the immunity necklace for the fourth time. Not bad for a skinny weed who was surrounded by a mob of male meatheads earlier in the game.
Luckless Lydia was given the flick, which, even though deserved, may have been a bit foolish. She would have been a rather good person to have in the final two because it would have been unlikely that she'd win the million dollars just on the strength of her smile and corn cooking skills
(then again, look at Nigella Lawson).
Lydia's gone - ha ha haaaaa!
The final three found pictures of each previous survivor competitor and tried to remember something about them. Clearly this bit of the show had been heavily edited because I fancied their real reminiscing would be something like this:
Jim - Ah yes, that old fart. Crook ankle, sent home.
Morgan - Who? Lazy little magician. No 'Lydia' around camp that's for sure.
Brianna - The one that Jamie said: "I like my women exciting and pretty. You're neither. Go back to the mall."
Brooke - Physically weak, so told to f*** off
Blake - Golden Boy or given the Golden Shower?
Brian - Slightly over-hyped Eager beaver, but crap in the muscles dept
Margaret - Too whiny after her job of saving the himbos had been done
Amy - Two ankle injuries = ta ta
Brandon - F***able Farmboy sent back to the fields by a stronger alliance
Bobby Jon - Bamboozled by well, the act of thinking and Gary pulling out the idol
Jamie - Paranoia-affected Pinhead, secretly in love with Bobby Jon
Gary - Beaten by the ruling alliance
Judd - Silly scumbag and a slimy bad sport to boot
Cindy - Kept the car, got the flick
Lydia - Ground the corn and given the heave-ho.
The immunity challenge was one of those traditional endurance ones that they always save for the battle between the final three. This one did not disappoint and resembled a tropical torture device of a wobbly 'balancing board' and two ropes. An hour into the challenge the Probster signaled to the players to let go one rope, and, half an hour after that, the second rope.
"Always look on the bright side of life....."
Poor old Rafe was out pretty soon after they had to drop both ropes. He swung to and fro from the rope like an epileptic monkey and no sooner had he wedged himself up against the side than his hands inadvertently touched the pole. It was then ON for Danni and Stephenie.
Stephenie was finding it extremely tough. Her back cramped, her legs shook and she started to cry....
Danni, on the other hand, used her long legs to great effect and looked rather comfortable in comparison. At one stage she was busy cleaning her fingernails!
Steph eventually came sliding down. Rafe felt all very sorry for her and immediately said to Danni, "Whatever your previous promise to take me to the final two, I won't hold you to it."
See - even a GAY guy was sucked in to making a stupid offer just because a girl was crying. That move was an extremely expensive one, because Danni picked Stephenie to go with her to the final two.
Surprisingly the questions from the Jury - BoJo, Jamie, Judd, Gary, Cindy, Lydia and Rafe - were pretty tame. Judd tried to use it as an opportunity for a rant, but he just came across as a bad loser with no understanding of the game.
The winner of the million dollars was Danni. Stephenie didn't really have a chance against her, or Rafe for that matter. She was ruthless and had put enough of the jury offside whereas the other two had been relatively clean and decent players.
Danni hugged her rather large family who, it seemed, were all considerably shorter and fatter than she was - did her Mum have an allnighter when the Harlem Globetrotters were in town or something? I didn't get to hear what she was planning to spend her winnings on - Fat farm vouchers for her family and an All-You-Can-eat-Food-Fest for herself?
The premiership table shows that Special Ray came first in this competition, followed by Love Chunks and Wozza sharing second place with Biddy F in third. Congratulations Special Ray - especially seeing as you were in China for most of the series!
Hope you had fun watching the show and reading the blog and let me know if you'd like to play again for the next series which we'll probably get in Feb/March next year. You can send me a comment via this blog or my other blog: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/