Ep 3 - Jocks of the Jungle

Episode three started with some rather impressive shots of wildlife - what were those cute little, um, badger-squirrelly things with the stripy tails? Lemurs?

On Day 7 at Yaxha - everyone was asleep except Lydia who busy hauling in firewood, fully realising that it could have been her that had been voted off the night before. "The person I would have chosen would have been Brianna (the make up artist) because she's on the weak side." The feeling was mutual, as Brianna commented to camera re Lydia: "She's just not my cup of tea." Young Brian crowed to us re Morgan's demise over Lydia "That was one hundred percent me. I organised it." Nothing like a bit of self-congratulation, is there?

At Nakum they were driven out of their minds by the early morning roaring of a monkey overhead. Cindy the zookeeper reckoned he'd lost his group and was trying to find them. She tried to instruct Judd about their throats swelling up like a blowling ball, but he looked about as interested as Donald Trump at a 'Maintain your Modesty' workshop.
"I don't care what Dr Dolittle (Cindy) says, it's the most annoying noise I've ever heard in my life." What? Judd is a parent, isn't he? What's more annoying than the whine of a child from the back seat of a car? He went on to tell us that "It drives you crazy, man, nuts." At the ad break he illustrated this by hurling a huge tree trunk to the ground.

The Reward challenge was about to start - a very sweat-soaked Jeff yacked on about the continuing efforts of archaelogists in finding out more about the Mayan ruins. As such, each tribe was to find nine bundles of gear to make an archaeologists' tent. Of course it wouldn't be 'Survivor' if the Probster made it that easy for them. The tribe would be blindfolded whilst finding these items and directed by one of their team. All this effort to win the prizes of a tarp, lamp, lamp oil, rope, blankets and pillows.

Non-NFL Gary was the director for Yaxha and Brooke the legal student was the guide for Nakum. Poor old Nurse Margaret got a few dongs on the head and shoulder via an overzealous Bobby Jon, as did abnormally-abbed Danni. Yaxha found their items first and were then able to remove their blindfolds. Unfortunately they knew as much about erecting tent poles, ropes and canvas as I did. Jeff yelled out "There's a lot of confusion at Yaxha and Nakum are working well together and making up a lot of ground." You'd want to kill him if you were a Yaxha-ian, wouldn't you?

Sure enough it was won by Yakum. The fellas did their usual thing when they're happy - by lifting each other up in sweaty bear hugs. I guess it's no different than soccer players jumping up landing willy-first onto the faces of the goal scorer or having your arse patted by an AFL player - the only way they feel as though they can display any heterosexual affection to another male.

Yaxha were busy bitterly rueing their loss as they fumed around their water hole. It was interesting to see how they washed themselves via rags dipped in the water - no swimming due to the crocs in the water. Amy the policewoman was determinedly cheerful:"Working at a police station is a walk in the park compared to this. I don't care how bad it gets, I will not give up."

At Nakum, Beefcake BJ told us in his usual poetic and eloquent manner that he's "Not too used to winning, so it felt good." The midday heat was too exhausting to erect the shelter and they were so sick of the water tempting them that they decided to risk paddling out and dipping themselves in. At least the guys did; Cindy wasn't having a bar of it. "Eventually you just say screw it, I'm going to jump in. You gotta live on the edge, you know?" said a cleaner and more refreshed Brandon afterwards. "I've never felt more alive in my entire life."

Brianna was starting to feel a little bit under threat of being the next one to go over at Camp Yaxha and had appointed herself the camp's corn-grinder and chef. All of them were heartily sick of corn. Rafe said "Even throwing some dirt in the corn would be better because it's something different." This culinary frustration was enough for Rafe and Gary to eat live termites. "They were good protein, but not good tasting", Rafe admitted.

Meanwhile the Nakumian men were taking their sweet time having a chin-wag and general discussion about how and where to put up their tarpaulin. As all blokes do - all they missed was a beer in their hands and a BBQ to stand over. Nurse Margaret decided to appoint herself as a foreman, which was about as much appreciated as a fresh dog turd in your letter box.
Margaret wasn't too happy with the result: "We look like we've got a circus big top as a shelter."
Bobby Jon fumed about her to us. "I'm 28 years old. You can't tell a grown man what to do all the time." No prizes for guessing that BJ's single then. Even Judd told us "The only people who can tell me what to do are my boss and my wife. That's it."

Nakum Day 8 saw the arrival of some pot mail with body paint having to be used to adorn themselves before an ancient Mayan sport to be played at the immunity challenge. At Yaxha, Brian had obviously snorted up his termites instead of eating them as he bounced around like a painted peacock on acid trying to rev up the others to victory. Jamie ended up having to clamp his hand over Brian to keep his mouth. A nervous Lydia told us that "I hope I'll be a star out there."

The Immunity Challenge - hang on a minute - there was just a brief shot of Margaret with a B and an O painted on her chest? Is that really something she wants to advertise after eight days of only a few splashes of water in searing, 43C heat - that she has BO?

The game was called court ball, played on an elevated court of nets. No running or walking with the ball, just throwing and passing it before trying to throw it through a hoop. To me it seemed a bit like netball, only with teams of three and a lot more fun (and hopefully less bitchiness. I couldn't see Rafe saying to Jamie "Pass the ball to me, you mole!"). Brian scored the first goal which no doubt increased his enthusiasm level to a Spinal Tape-esque Number 11. Blake scored the next one.....





And so it went on. Danni showed us her extremely good athletic skills (and a physique not unlike a preying mantis) and Brianna was about as useful as a chocolate tea pot - she wasn't prepared to run or try to get into the game which caused Jamie to yell out at her to "Move it! Why aren't you moving!" Lydia was also hopeless (she kept running with the ball) but at least she gave it a go. Jeff reminded them of the temperature - 114 degrees F (43C). Amy had injured her ankle, so poor old Stephenie was the only gal on her team worth a cracker. It was won easily by Yakum. Again.



The Nakumians enjoyed a well-earned rest lying on their shelter before erecting it










Over at Yaxha we saw Stephenie say "I've already been here, I don't want to do this again.....Why why why just once can't I be on a great tribe?" Amy was determined not to focus on her ankle: "It would have to be falling off before I quit." Jamie wasn't focussed on getting rid of either Lydia or Amy - he wanted to get rid of Brianna. "She annoys me, she's not my type of girl. I like them crazy and pretty. She's neither." Ooooooh you bitch Jamie!

As for Gary, his main concern was having the strongest team. "You can have all the heart in the world, but if you're not strong..." I forgot what else he said as I was gazing at his blackened sunburnt lips. In fact they've all got peeling skin with delicate pink tender flesh underneath and I know the Aussie doctor on the show makes sunscreen available to them... Use it, you leathery fools!

At Tribal Council the Probster started off by asking Stephenie if she felt a bit of deja vu. He also asked her how it felt to be the only female player out there with other clueless female players. Brianna was on the defensive, saying that she'd never played basketball. Lydia admitted that she too wasn't too good, but tried her hardest. Amy downplayed her ankle: "I'm good to go." Gary didn't let it go: "Athleticism is big." She turned to him and said "Don't make the mistake of voting me out."

Not surprisingly we were shown Brianna's vote for Lydia and Jamie's for Brianna with his comment: "You're a girly girl. You need to go back to the shopping mall and leave the jungle." Jeff reached into the Mayan version of grandma's cookie jar to read the votes. It was Brianna by a landslide, with Jamie smirking smugly as she left.

Next week - Yaxha visited by crocs; misery plagues Yakum (especially in two shots of a despondent Brandon and Jeff) and we see Stephenie utter those over-used words: Oh---My---God---"

Brianna admitted that "I was the weakest link. You gotta be athletic out there...... I'm athletic but not as strong as these people." Que? You didn't even know what basketball was, let alone move anywhere on the court, so your description of yourself as athletic is a trifle exaggerated.

The all-important Premiership Table shows that only one of us had Brianna as our pick - that's you, Dr Boonie. Perhaps it's a good thing you've chosen a crap contestant but are doing much better in the field of medical research, hey?

Oh and to you Aussie viewers, I noticed that Channel nine said that Survivor was on at "The Special Day" of Saturday next week and I have no idea why. Surely it's not so that we have to suffer through the SANFL Best and Fairest 'night of nights'? As if we need to see what Narelle from Salisbury is wearing to complement her partner Darryl's mullet....??

Well that's it for now. Until next week, may none of you be told "The tribe has spoken", unless it's to receive the winning lotto cheque, a night of passion with Jude Law or your entire body weight in Lindt balls.....