Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Ep 14 - Final four, then three, two and one

Hi Survivorphiles

This is probably the last post on Survivor 11 - Guatemala. I was feeling very tired, grumpy and achey and went to bed early last night like a year six year old who'd "had a big day", but still managed to watch some of it propped up in bed.

Four were left - Danni Long Legs, Raucous Rafe, Super Steph and Lydia the Useless. Lydia even admitted as much: "They've kept me around because I've been like a mother around camp - cooking, fetching water, cleaning." Right, and in the history of Survivor, no camp cleaner has won the million bucks.

Still, Lydia went all loony when she reached the pot-mail and correctly guessed that some local Mayans would be visiting their camp.

Mmmm, chicken.....

All four remaining survivors were politely observing the non-English chanted ceremony and enjoyed the tamales (what exactly are tamales anyway? You often hear of a yank referring to a woman as a 'hot tamale') What interested the four most, however, was the live chicken. Would they get to eat it, wondered Stephenie. Rafe scolded her with, "No, we're so lucky to be enjoying this culture." I don't know that the chicken felt all that lucky somehow, especially after its head was twisted off and its body thrown on the fire.

After the Mayans were gone, Stephenie's hunger got the better of her and she and Lydia plucked the chicken (pun intended) from the fire. Danni ate some as well, but Rafe refused out of respect for Mayan culture. Culture Schmulture thought the others as they tucked in. As soon as they'd finished licking their fingers, a huge rainstorm struck their camp - a message from the gods, or just the pissed-off chook itself?

No reward challenges in these final stages of the game but straight on to the immunity event. The show's carpentry, props and designer teams had outdone themselves, making a huge eagle-shaped maze. The final four had to find their way through the hellhole to find the relevant sticks, make their way to the centre, walk across some watery steps to climb up to their platform. When all sticks were gathered they then had to put together a Mayan-inspired puzzle. I felt tired just looking at the maze.

Rafe won - that's right, no details about who did what and when. The redhead won the immunity necklace for the fourth time. Not bad for a skinny weed who was surrounded by a mob of male meatheads earlier in the game.

Luckless Lydia was given the flick, which, even though deserved, may have been a bit foolish. She would have been a rather good person to have in the final two because it would have been unlikely that she'd win the million dollars just on the strength of her smile and corn cooking skills
(then again, look at Nigella Lawson).

Lydia's gone - ha ha haaaaa!

The final three found pictures of each previous survivor competitor and tried to remember something about them. Clearly this bit of the show had been heavily edited because I fancied their real reminiscing would be something like this:

Jim - Ah yes, that old fart. Crook ankle, sent home.
Morgan - Who? Lazy little magician. No 'Lydia' around camp that's for sure.
Brianna - The one that Jamie said: "I like my women exciting and pretty. You're neither. Go back to the mall."
Brooke - Physically weak, so told to f*** off
Blake - Golden Boy or given the Golden Shower?
Brian - Slightly over-hyped Eager beaver, but crap in the muscles dept
Margaret - Too whiny after her job of saving the himbos had been done
Amy - Two ankle injuries = ta ta
Brandon - F***able Farmboy sent back to the fields by a stronger alliance
Bobby Jon - Bamboozled by well, the act of thinking and Gary pulling out the idol
Jamie - Paranoia-affected Pinhead, secretly in love with Bobby Jon
Gary - Beaten by the ruling alliance
Judd - Silly scumbag and a slimy bad sport to boot
Cindy - Kept the car, got the flick
Lydia - Ground the corn and given the heave-ho.

The immunity challenge was one of those traditional endurance ones that they always save for the battle between the final three. This one did not disappoint and resembled a tropical torture device of a wobbly 'balancing board' and two ropes. An hour into the challenge the Probster signaled to the players to let go one rope, and, half an hour after that, the second rope.

"Always look on the bright side of life....."

Poor old Rafe was out pretty soon after they had to drop both ropes. He swung to and fro from the rope like an epileptic monkey and no sooner had he wedged himself up against the side than his hands inadvertently touched the pole. It was then ON for Danni and Stephenie.

Stephenie was finding it extremely tough. Her back cramped, her legs shook and she started to cry....

Danni, on the other hand, used her long legs to great effect and looked rather comfortable in comparison. At one stage she was busy cleaning her fingernails!

Steph eventually came sliding down. Rafe felt all very sorry for her and immediately said to Danni, "Whatever your previous promise to take me to the final two, I won't hold you to it."

See - even a GAY guy was sucked in to making a stupid offer just because a girl was crying. That move was an extremely expensive one, because Danni picked Stephenie to go with her to the final two.

Surprisingly the questions from the Jury - BoJo, Jamie, Judd, Gary, Cindy, Lydia and Rafe - were pretty tame. Judd tried to use it as an opportunity for a rant, but he just came across as a bad loser with no understanding of the game.

The winner of the million dollars was Danni. Stephenie didn't really have a chance against her, or Rafe for that matter. She was ruthless and had put enough of the jury offside whereas the other two had been relatively clean and decent players.

Danni hugged her rather large family who, it seemed, were all considerably shorter and fatter than she was - did her Mum have an allnighter when the Harlem Globetrotters were in town or something? I didn't get to hear what she was planning to spend her winnings on - Fat farm vouchers for her family and an All-You-Can-eat-Food-Fest for herself?

The premiership table shows that Special Ray came first in this competition, followed by Love Chunks and Wozza sharing second place with Biddy F in third. Congratulations Special Ray - especially seeing as you were in China for most of the series!

Hope you had fun watching the show and reading the blog and let me know if you'd like to play again for the next series which we'll probably get in Feb/March next year. You can send me a comment via this blog or my other blog: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Ep 13 - Somebody smack me!

I can not believe it; I can not believe that I did it a second time - I am dumber than a box of boogers and deserve a thoroughly intense smacking.

My poor mate Jill, who came over for dinner and drinks with her family was pumped in anticipation to watch 'Survivor' after we'd done the dishes and got all kids into various beds asleep. The poor love was shattered. Thankfully she was very good humoured about it, and only wailed in angst when I left the room to drop a couple of John Howard's off at the pool.

Therefore, as per last week, this blog is just a recap of what I can glean from the CBS website, plus a few photos. Very, very sorry about that, folks. I may have got rather merry last night, but seeing as I set the VCR timer *before* any champers were opened I have no excuse other than my own blonde stupidity.

....and then there were five.......

As the only boy left, Rafe was pronounced an 'Honorary Girl' by the, er, girls.

Now if only they could influence him to wash his damn shirt!

The Car challenge - Cindy won the black Pontiac 4WD what-not and got to share a meal and overnight reward with Stephenie. (Interesting, because she was earlier blowing steam about how she hadn't been privy to the plan to vote off Judd).

In every season of Survivor (eleven so far), not one player who has won the car has won the entire million dollars. Would Cindy be able to reverse this trend?

Well she'd already put everyone off-side by choosing to keep the car for herself rather than let her other four team mates have one each. "Screw the curse. I can win a car and a million dollars if I play my cards right," Cindy reasoned. "I'm here to beat the odds, and so far I have."

The victory would have been about as satisfying as deciding whether to saw off your left leg or your right leg - a) Should she just 'give' a car to players who benefit materially yet could still vote her off; or b) Should she grab it for herself and risk the jealousy and simmering hatred of the rest of them?

As for the immunity challenge, it was won by a thrilled super Stephenie who had never been given the opportunity to wear the ridiculous necklace in two seasons of Survivor.

It was the perfect time for her to win - they'd got rid of the king silverback baboon, Judd, last episode and she as the Alpha Female had a rather large target on her back too.

She and Cindy had talked about voting out Danni whilst they were at their overnight archeological camp, but Rafe and Danni had banded together and vowed never to vote for each other. And Lydia? Who knows, who cares.....

Jamie, Bobby John, Judd and Gary looked less hairy and better fed as jury members.

Not surprisingly Cindy got the flick - the Car Curse won out after all. As Jeff snuffed out her torch she said, "Thanks guys. I'll be thinking of you when I see the stars through the sunroof of my new car." Oooooooh, the zookeeper has bigger claws than the cats!

Next week - The final two episodes plus a catch-up show is on this coming Monday. I'm not going to bother with the mental complexities of programming the VCR - it will be much easier for me just to sit in front of the TV and ignore the family activities going on around me.

CBS tells us:
A surprise from a local family quickly shakes up the Final Four in a traditional Maya ceremony. Later, a surprise thunderstorm sets the Survivors wondering if a decision they made upset the Maya gods. Two Survivors question their alliance and agree on who should be eliminated. Will this decision work to their advantage? With only three days left, the Final Four face off in an intense battle to make it to the end. Who will outwit, outlast and outplay to be become the Sole Survivor?

The premiership table shows that, at this stage, we have only one leader - SPECIAL RAY !! In the spirit of Dr Seuss: Hey Hey Hey, Let's give a YAY for Special Ray? Let's do it today - what do you mean 'no way' ?

Monday, December 05, 2005

Ep 12 - Aaaarrrrrrgh!

Noooooo! I've just gone to replay the video I set on Friday night to watch the twelfth episode and it's taped the ABC's 'Stateline' instead. Aurrggggh - Poo.Bum.Bugger.Shit.Fart.

Yes yes, I know it's not the VCR's fault, it's the programmer's fault; ie mine. I managed to catch bits and pieces of the show when it was on but it was interrupted by questions from my daughter, doing the dishes, drinking wine, answering the phone, letting the dog out.....

As such this will be a very short report, plucked directly from the recesses of my brain. Please be kind and bear with me.......

The episode started with six; all keen to buy something from the food auction. Hell, that meant that even Lydia might be able to score some food.

Eat, Danni, EAT!

When the players' rellies arrived, I remember being disappointed in Steph's main squeeze - he didn't look as hunky as I'd imagine. He was sort of muscled but also on the soft fat side and had a head on him like an Easter Island statue.

"I'll tell you for the twentieth time - come on, do it with me - first you wash your face, then you wash your ears, then you wash....."

Judd's wife (Kristen?) was gorgeous - how does a loud-mouthed Noo Yawk City doorman land someone as nice as her? To be fair to Judd he was looking much better in this episode after having lost a few kilograms.

"I rule them all."
"I'm sure you do, dear. Now show me your lovely little cartwheels again."

Who knew Cindy was an identical twin? When they stood together, Cindy looked like a wizened, sun-browned piece of beef jerky next to her white, clean and soft-skinned sister. I'm sure there would have been the odd male or two who would have entertained some less-than-wholesome nocturnal fantasies about those two..... In fact I hoped that's what they'd be drooling about and NOT some twisted scenario with Rafe and his Mum. I won't go any further for fear of nausea; but my cynical little heart strings were twanged when he burst into tears at seeing her.

Danni's brother - some Doofus or other - obviously only swam with floaties on in the family gene pool and poor old Lydia only scored a visit from a brother she hadn't seen in two years. Maybe it's the lingering smell of fish that puts guys off, if this brother is the closest family member that the Survivor producers can rustle up for her? Perhaps she should consider moving out of the fishmongering business and into the pizza and coffee business instead.

The challenges are a dim memory but the tribe's own Preying Mantis, Danni, won it. Good for her - the necklace looked gargantuan against her emaciated chest and I worried that she was about to eat it for a second or two there.

"Aw crap - you mean those big chunky things on the immunity necklace aren't king-sized smarties?"

This unexpected win for Danni threw the other five into confusion - should they flick off Lydia the Useless or Judd the Jabbermouthed? It was Judd given the big elbow, labelling them all "Scumbags" as he left. What a hero - he'd only sat there in front of Jeff a few minutes earlier waaahing on about how someone's got to go home tonight and they should just deal with it. Like Lex in Africa and All Stars before him, this attitude is OK for everyone else unless it happens to them.

Next week on Survivor (lifted directly from the CBS website): Feeling deceived after a tribemate's ousting, one Survivor confronts the Tribe. After a big win, one Survivor has a big decision: try and break the "car curse" or risk it all to drive away with a new car. One Survivor's car decision creates a rift at camp. Will this affect who goes home next?

premiership table now shows that NONE of us have our original three picks left, but three of you have two picks + Stephenie, and are considered to be 'Equal first' for this week. Those smug bastards are Special Ray, Jazz and Love Chunks. Well done to youse.