Ep 14 - Final four, then three, two and one

Hi Survivorphiles

This is probably the last post on Survivor 11 - Guatemala. I was feeling very tired, grumpy and achey and went to bed early last night like a year six year old who'd "had a big day", but still managed to watch some of it propped up in bed.

Four were left - Danni Long Legs, Raucous Rafe, Super Steph and Lydia the Useless. Lydia even admitted as much: "They've kept me around because I've been like a mother around camp - cooking, fetching water, cleaning." Right, and in the history of Survivor, no camp cleaner has won the million bucks.



Still, Lydia went all loony when she reached the pot-mail and correctly guessed that some local Mayans would be visiting their camp.

Mmmm, chicken.....

All four remaining survivors were politely observing the non-English chanted ceremony and enjoyed the tamales (what exactly are tamales anyway? You often hear of a yank referring to a woman as a 'hot tamale') What interested the four most, however, was the live chicken. Would they get to eat it, wondered Stephenie. Rafe scolded her with, "No, we're so lucky to be enjoying this culture." I don't know that the chicken felt all that lucky somehow, especially after its head was twisted off and its body thrown on the fire.

After the Mayans were gone, Stephenie's hunger got the better of her and she and Lydia plucked the chicken (pun intended) from the fire. Danni ate some as well, but Rafe refused out of respect for Mayan culture. Culture Schmulture thought the others as they tucked in. As soon as they'd finished licking their fingers, a huge rainstorm struck their camp - a message from the gods, or just the pissed-off chook itself?

No reward challenges in these final stages of the game but straight on to the immunity event. The show's carpentry, props and designer teams had outdone themselves, making a huge eagle-shaped maze. The final four had to find their way through the hellhole to find the relevant sticks, make their way to the centre, walk across some watery steps to climb up to their platform. When all sticks were gathered they then had to put together a Mayan-inspired puzzle. I felt tired just looking at the maze.

Rafe won - that's right, no details about who did what and when. The redhead won the immunity necklace for the fourth time. Not bad for a skinny weed who was surrounded by a mob of male meatheads earlier in the game.

Luckless Lydia was given the flick, which, even though deserved, may have been a bit foolish. She would have been a rather good person to have in the final two because it would have been unlikely that she'd win the million dollars just on the strength of her smile and corn cooking skills
(then again, look at Nigella Lawson).





Lydia's gone - ha ha haaaaa!















The final three found pictures of each previous survivor competitor and tried to remember something about them. Clearly this bit of the show had been heavily edited because I fancied their real reminiscing would be something like this:

Jim - Ah yes, that old fart. Crook ankle, sent home.
Morgan - Who? Lazy little magician. No 'Lydia' around camp that's for sure.
Brianna - The one that Jamie said: "I like my women exciting and pretty. You're neither. Go back to the mall."
Brooke - Physically weak, so told to f*** off
Blake - Golden Boy or given the Golden Shower?
Brian - Slightly over-hyped Eager beaver, but crap in the muscles dept
Margaret - Too whiny after her job of saving the himbos had been done
Amy - Two ankle injuries = ta ta
Brandon - F***able Farmboy sent back to the fields by a stronger alliance
Bobby Jon - Bamboozled by well, the act of thinking and Gary pulling out the idol
Jamie - Paranoia-affected Pinhead, secretly in love with Bobby Jon
Gary - Beaten by the ruling alliance
Judd - Silly scumbag and a slimy bad sport to boot
Cindy - Kept the car, got the flick
Lydia - Ground the corn and given the heave-ho.

The immunity challenge was one of those traditional endurance ones that they always save for the battle between the final three. This one did not disappoint and resembled a tropical torture device of a wobbly 'balancing board' and two ropes. An hour into the challenge the Probster signaled to the players to let go one rope, and, half an hour after that, the second rope.




"Always look on the bright side of life....."











Poor old Rafe was out pretty soon after they had to drop both ropes. He swung to and fro from the rope like an epileptic monkey and no sooner had he wedged himself up against the side than his hands inadvertently touched the pole. It was then ON for Danni and Stephenie.




Stephenie was finding it extremely tough. Her back cramped, her legs shook and she started to cry....

















Danni, on the other hand, used her long legs to great effect and looked rather comfortable in comparison. At one stage she was busy cleaning her fingernails!















Steph eventually came sliding down. Rafe felt all very sorry for her and immediately said to Danni, "Whatever your previous promise to take me to the final two, I won't hold you to it."

See - even a GAY guy was sucked in to making a stupid offer just because a girl was crying. That move was an extremely expensive one, because Danni picked Stephenie to go with her to the final two.



Surprisingly the questions from the Jury - BoJo, Jamie, Judd, Gary, Cindy, Lydia and Rafe - were pretty tame. Judd tried to use it as an opportunity for a rant, but he just came across as a bad loser with no understanding of the game.

The winner of the million dollars was Danni. Stephenie didn't really have a chance against her, or Rafe for that matter. She was ruthless and had put enough of the jury offside whereas the other two had been relatively clean and decent players.

Danni hugged her rather large family who, it seemed, were all considerably shorter and fatter than she was - did her Mum have an allnighter when the Harlem Globetrotters were in town or something? I didn't get to hear what she was planning to spend her winnings on - Fat farm vouchers for her family and an All-You-Can-eat-Food-Fest for herself?

The premiership table shows that Special Ray came first in this competition, followed by Love Chunks and Wozza sharing second place with Biddy F in third. Congratulations Special Ray - especially seeing as you were in China for most of the series!

Hope you had fun watching the show and reading the blog and let me know if you'd like to play again for the next series which we'll probably get in Feb/March next year. You can send me a comment via this blog or my other blog: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/

Ep 13 - Somebody smack me!

I can not believe it; I can not believe that I did it a second time - I am dumber than a box of boogers and deserve a thoroughly intense smacking.

My poor mate Jill, who came over for dinner and drinks with her family was pumped in anticipation to watch 'Survivor' after we'd done the dishes and got all kids into various beds asleep. The poor love was shattered. Thankfully she was very good humoured about it, and only wailed in angst when I left the room to drop a couple of John Howard's off at the pool.

Therefore, as per last week, this blog is just a recap of what I can glean from the CBS website, plus a few photos. Very, very sorry about that, folks. I may have got rather merry last night, but seeing as I set the VCR timer *before* any champers were opened I have no excuse other than my own blonde stupidity.





....and then there were five.......











As the only boy left, Rafe was pronounced an 'Honorary Girl' by the, er, girls.

Now if only they could influence him to wash his damn shirt!













The Car challenge - Cindy won the black Pontiac 4WD what-not and got to share a meal and overnight reward with Stephenie. (Interesting, because she was earlier blowing steam about how she hadn't been privy to the plan to vote off Judd).

In every season of Survivor (eleven so far), not one player who has won the car has won the entire million dollars. Would Cindy be able to reverse this trend?









Well she'd already put everyone off-side by choosing to keep the car for herself rather than let her other four team mates have one each. "Screw the curse. I can win a car and a million dollars if I play my cards right," Cindy reasoned. "I'm here to beat the odds, and so far I have."

The victory would have been about as satisfying as deciding whether to saw off your left leg or your right leg - a) Should she just 'give' a car to players who benefit materially yet could still vote her off; or b) Should she grab it for herself and risk the jealousy and simmering hatred of the rest of them?








As for the immunity challenge, it was won by a thrilled super Stephenie who had never been given the opportunity to wear the ridiculous necklace in two seasons of Survivor.

It was the perfect time for her to win - they'd got rid of the king silverback baboon, Judd, last episode and she as the Alpha Female had a rather large target on her back too.

She and Cindy had talked about voting out Danni whilst they were at their overnight archeological camp, but Rafe and Danni had banded together and vowed never to vote for each other. And Lydia? Who knows, who cares.....






Jamie, Bobby John, Judd and Gary looked less hairy and better fed as jury members.

Not surprisingly Cindy got the flick - the Car Curse won out after all. As Jeff snuffed out her torch she said, "Thanks guys. I'll be thinking of you when I see the stars through the sunroof of my new car." Oooooooh, the zookeeper has bigger claws than the cats!

Next week - The final two episodes plus a catch-up show is on this coming Monday. I'm not going to bother with the mental complexities of programming the VCR - it will be much easier for me just to sit in front of the TV and ignore the family activities going on around me.

CBS tells us: A surprise from a local family quickly shakes up the Final Four in a traditional Maya ceremony. Later, a surprise thunderstorm sets the Survivors wondering if a decision they made upset the Maya gods. Two Survivors question their alliance and agree on who should be eliminated. Will this decision work to their advantage? With only three days left, the Final Four face off in an intense battle to make it to the end. Who will outwit, outlast and outplay to be become the Sole Survivor?

The premiership table shows that, at this stage, we have only one leader - SPECIAL RAY !! In the spirit of Dr Seuss: Hey Hey Hey, Let's give a YAY for Special Ray? Let's do it today - what do you mean 'no way' ?

Ep 12 - Aaaarrrrrrgh!

Noooooo! I've just gone to replay the video I set on Friday night to watch the twelfth episode and it's taped the ABC's 'Stateline' instead. Aurrggggh - Poo.Bum.Bugger.Shit.Fart.

Yes yes, I know it's not the VCR's fault, it's the programmer's fault; ie mine. I managed to catch bits and pieces of the show when it was on but it was interrupted by questions from my daughter, doing the dishes, drinking wine, answering the phone, letting the dog out.....

As such this will be a very short report, plucked directly from the recesses of my brain. Please be kind and bear with me.......





The episode started with six; all keen to buy something from the food auction. Hell, that meant that even Lydia might be able to score some food.










Eat, Danni, EAT!


















When the players' rellies arrived, I remember being disappointed in Steph's main squeeze - he didn't look as hunky as I'd imagine. He was sort of muscled but also on the soft fat side and had a head on him like an Easter Island statue.

"I'll tell you for the twentieth time - come on, do it with me - first you wash your face, then you wash your ears, then you wash....."




Judd's wife (Kristen?) was gorgeous - how does a loud-mouthed Noo Yawk City doorman land someone as nice as her? To be fair to Judd he was looking much better in this episode after having lost a few kilograms.

"I rule them all."
"I'm sure you do, dear. Now show me your lovely little cartwheels again."

Who knew Cindy was an identical twin? When they stood together, Cindy looked like a wizened, sun-browned piece of beef jerky next to her white, clean and soft-skinned sister. I'm sure there would have been the odd male or two who would have entertained some less-than-wholesome nocturnal fantasies about those two..... In fact I hoped that's what they'd be drooling about and NOT some twisted scenario with Rafe and his Mum. I won't go any further for fear of nausea; but my cynical little heart strings were twanged when he burst into tears at seeing her.

Danni's brother - some Doofus or other - obviously only swam with floaties on in the family gene pool and poor old Lydia only scored a visit from a brother she hadn't seen in two years. Maybe it's the lingering smell of fish that puts guys off, if this brother is the closest family member that the Survivor producers can rustle up for her? Perhaps she should consider moving out of the fishmongering business and into the pizza and coffee business instead.

The challenges are a dim memory but the tribe's own Preying Mantis, Danni, won it. Good for her - the necklace looked gargantuan against her emaciated chest and I worried that she was about to eat it for a second or two there.

"Aw crap - you mean those big chunky things on the immunity necklace aren't king-sized smarties?"













This unexpected win for Danni threw the other five into confusion - should they flick off Lydia the Useless or Judd the Jabbermouthed? It was Judd given the big elbow, labelling them all "Scumbags" as he left. What a hero - he'd only sat there in front of Jeff a few minutes earlier waaahing on about how someone's got to go home tonight and they should just deal with it. Like Lex in Africa and All Stars before him, this attitude is OK for everyone else unless it happens to them.

Next week on Survivor (lifted directly from the CBS website): Feeling deceived after a tribemate's ousting, one Survivor confronts the Tribe. After a big win, one Survivor has a big decision: try and break the "car curse" or risk it all to drive away with a new car. One Survivor's car decision creates a rift at camp. Will this affect who goes home next?

The premiership table now shows that NONE of us have our original three picks left, but three of you have two picks + Stephenie, and are considered to be 'Equal first' for this week. Those smug bastards are Special Ray, Jazz and Love Chunks. Well done to youse.

Ep 11 - who ate all the food?

The episode started straight after Tribal Council on Night 27.

Back at camp Xhakum Doorman Judd was upset that no-one had told him about voting off Jamie: “I was totally shocked that Jamie got voted out…..I was pissed off man.”
Gary told us: “Jamie did me a big favour by driving everybody crazy.” Let's not forget that you also found the immunity idol, stringbean.

Day 28 soon arrived but no-one was in much of a mood to leap out of the shelter and start off the day. Gary and Lydia were flashing some kind of hand signals at each other and he then tried to get Lydia to tell him who 'they' (Judd, Steph, Rafe, Cindy and Lyd) were going to vote for next. A smart enough idea, but NOT smart to do it within earshot of the shelter because Judd heard every word. He then immediately whispered it to Rafe and Stephenie as soon as they stirred.

At her little interview tree, Lydia told us, “I have to watch my own ass – if somebody approaches me with a better deal, I’m going for it.” Fair enough, but I'm still wondering just how anyone can physically watch their own arse.

Later that morning the final seven players arrived at the old ruins for the Reward Challenge. Each player had three hanging pots filled with corn. Jeff was going to ask them questions about Mayan culture – if a player got it right they'd get to smash another player’s pot and the winner would be whoever's post was hanging last. The Prize – cocktails, skewers, a massage and a wash in a waterfall.

Judd immediately smashed Gary’s pot (a subtle message there) and hungry Lydia smashed Steph’s as did Danni. Gary took out Cindy. Lydia smashed Stephenie’s again, saying “I haven’t eaten and Stephenie’s eaten three times.” Stephh immediately shot back with, “So has Gary, so has Gary.” Hmmm a bit of foodie friction there.


Cindy won the reward, with Rafe second. Good on her, she hasn’t won anything before. Naturally the Probster asked her to invite someone. She chewed her nails as she thought through and decided to take Rafe.

Stephenie could have eaten that corn, instead of Rafe wasting it during the reward challenge.






The losers back at camp saw an angry Super Steph. “Well boohoo for Lydia”. She then started to list all of the foods she’d eaten: “And I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
Later, Gary told us that “Lydia gets so steamed up because Steph eats so much – I don’t think she’s even lost weight. She eats so much corn and nuts it’s amazing.”
Lydia to us: “Everybody is putting Stephenie up on a pedestal, yet everyone knows she’s the biggest threat and we’re not doing anything about it.”

At the waterfall, two masseuses greeted Cindy and Rafe with a table of kebabs, fresh fruit and mohitos. Naturally they ate first. “It was a flood of strategy for both us,” Rafe said, “Cindy and I are in this together for better for worse.” Next they had a swim in the hot and cool waterfall before their massage. Rafe looked cute with a flower in his ear!

'Here's to Cindy she's true blue....she's a piss-pot through and through...she's a bas---- so they say....'










When they got back to camp, the others were less than thrilled to hear about what they ate, drank and got massaged. Lydia sat apart from the group, eating some kind of corn soup from a cup. Lydia: “I had to sit there and listen to them talk about eating shish kebabs…I felt insulted. Cindy should have chosen me to go to this food reward. I’m an outcast.”



Why isn't she going fishing anymore?
















Cindy wasn’t sympathetic: “Are we supposed to feel sorry for you, let you win something? We’re here to compete…..you gotta step it up or you’re not going to be around.”

Lydia's original alliance were starting to question her value. “She’s only got this far because she’s nice and smiles,” said Stephenie to Cindy and Rafe. “She’s now out of our alliance.”
Day 30 saw Gary snoring and Judd and Cindy sorting through the coffee cups. Cindy, Judd, Stephenie and Rafe sat on the rock ledge, drinking their coffee. “Wouldn’t it be good if we were here as the final four?” said Cindy.

They didn't have much time to strategise before the Immunity Challenge started. The Probster told them a rapid and detailed story involving Mayan culture. Each player then had to visit each of the seven stations which had puzzles to put together with questions about the story. Correct answers got flags that could be stuck on the players’ hat-rack/platform thingy; and incorrect answers got a stick that had to be thrown into the fire. I feel like I’m repeating myself from last week here because it was a close competition between Gary and Rafe. With the same result – won by Rafe.




Lydia's whining had so pissed-off the others that they impaled her on her own platform. This didn't affect her performance in the slightest: she still didn't win.














Back at camp Rafe was amazed, “Who would see this little gay Mormon win these immunity challenges?”

It was pretty clear that the final four group – Stephenie, Rafe, Judd and Cindy – were staying strong. As Steph told us: “It seems impossible that we won’t get to the final four together. In the last series I felt so powerless and this time I feel so power-full……It almost seems too good to be true.” Hmmm, you know what they say about counting your chickens, or is it a rolling stone spoils the broth?

Lydia was feeling the pinch and grumbled as such to Danni. On the other side of the camp, Rafe admitted to Gary that he didn’t trust Judd or Stephenie 100%.

At Tribal Council – Jeff asked Lydia about the food issue with Stephenie – “It was nothing personal, but this time I wanted to eat.” Then he asked her who’s running the camp right now- “Steph is running the show.” Gary told Jeff: “I personally like Steph, but there are some people who are star struck by her. It’s not her fault but they can get an autograph after the show.” This caused jury members BJ and Jamie to have a good chuckle. Then somehow Judd and Gary then started arguing about who tells lies with Judd adamant that he’d never lied in the game. Gary got fed up and then revealed that Judd lied about the idol being hidden on the ground. “You got outed, Judd” said Jeff.

Judd voted for Gary “Get the hell out of here.” It was the only one shown, so it was Gary by a landslide. Even Danni voted for him!




Bye bye Gazza - go home and EAT something












Next week – Danni feels the pressure……Lydia makes a move on Judd (somehow I doubt that sex is involved)….and the tribe is shocked…….

The premiership table shows that now it's only Special Ray and the mysterious Brett who are sharing equal first. However, those of you who may only have one or two left should not fear: you might have the winner.

Ep 10 - Beefcake needs beefsteak NOW

And then there were eight

Yaxhum Night 24 saw an increasingly erratic Jamie pick a fight with Gary. He told us that "Everybody thinks he's a good guy. I don't." That may be, but at least Gary had enough wits left to speak sense.

Bless his sweet little confused heart because Jamie then tried to remind Cindy that Gary voted for her in an effort to get her on his side against Gary. She was about as interested in setting up an anti-Gary fan club as she'd be in swapping her own legs for Lydia's.

Jazzy Jamie's third attempt at razzing the GazMan involved calling him a liar, over ...??? something or other.....like breathing??? He was making no more sense than a wino in the carpark of Flemington Racetrack. His usually-faithful buddy, the slimmed-down doorman Judd, told us: "Emotionally this game might be taking a toll on him. Psychologically he's losing it." Just goes to show that a beefcake can't last long in Sanityville without a bit of beef steak.

We'll move on from the individual lunacy of Jamie to the bigger lunacy of the Reward Challenge. Two teams were to race against each other made up of two boys and two girls. Attached to rope they were to negotiate over and under three obstacles to get pots of corn back to the start. All done in wet, thick, sticky, black mud. First team to fill up their pot with corn would then win a helicopter flight to a luxury villa for the night - pool, seafood buffet, hot shower, clean pyjamas, a soft bed and a well-rested wake up to the smell of fresh plunger coffees (some brand that we don't get here in Oz but I'm sure they paid for the making of this entire episode).




Don't worry about the final six Jamie; you're getting great skin out of this mudbath - girls pay a fortune for this stuff at home!









Predictably, Lydia fell in the mud (although being four feet tall wouldn't have helped) and her team mate Cindy saw their victory pass to Danni and Stephenie. Twice. The stumpy old girl was about as popular as the pox when the others - Danni, Steph, Gary and Judd - squelched home to win. Jamie, for some bizarre reason, wanted the still-struggling Lydia and Cindy to finish their leg. "But they've already won, Jamie," called out an irritated Cindy. All Rafe could do was pat Jamie non-committally on the shoulder; kind of like you would to an overheated pit bull.




Ooooh Judd - I didn't realise you felt that way about me!















The helicopter immediately came and swept off the still-muddy four, although I'm not sure how thrilled the pilot would have been to discover that his four passengers were covered in black mud that would end up all over his chopper. After flying over the rainforests and river, they landed at a beautiful house, eyes all a-poppin' at the seafood feast, poolside showers and gorgeous pool.

They all immediately scrubbed off the mud in the showers, but only Judd was brave enough to strip off (surely they must have all had mud in their own private little nooks and their crannies?) and then started diving into the banquet.

Back at the camp, Lydia was still apologising to Cindy for her even-less-than-Commonwealth-Games-level performance. Jungle Boy Jamie, on the other hand, was busy hassling Rafe about himself, Rafe and Judd going all the way to the final three. Rafe looked about as thrilled to have the discussion as he would if he'd discovered a suicidal scorpion in his shorts.

Back at the mansion, the lucky four were again freshly showered, wearing matching pyjamas and bonding. Gary decided he'd better try his luck at being Mr Congeniality with Judd and Stephenie "because I'm the next to go." He tried the tack of appealing to their athletic and competitive sides - shouldn't the final four be people who are strong, athletic, do their share around the camp and work hard? All stuff worth thinking about as they then went to sleep - together. (What sort of 'mansion' is this place anyway?)

The next morning, Day 26, arrived and with it six different flavours of plunger coffees. "All of us tried all of the flavours," said Stephenie, trying her hardest to stop her hands from twitching and her head jerking uncontrollably on camera. But wait - there was more to their reward. Louie, the owner (and presumably, instigator of the four-in-a-bed romps) came in with videos from home. We saw Judd's wife, daughter and mother; Steph's huge family; Danni's two dogs and her Mum ("I knew my family would be fine - I wanted to see if my dogs were OK."), and then Gary's family.

Who knew that Lurch (aka Gazza) was such a softie? He wept as the videotape rolled and was beaming as he told us: "It was the best reward we could have had." Finally - we get to see him cry and smile!

"Welcome to the hellhole," Judd muttered as he walked back to the camp with Steph, Danni and Gary. The Lucky Four brought back a coffee hamper which they agreed would be most appreciated by Cindy.

Well, the twelve packets of freeze dried instant coffee Cindy inhaled certainly set her up as a serious contender in the Immunity Challenge. The event saw each player tied to a l-o-o-o-o-n-g rope that was wrapped around, up and under three obstacles that they had to work through to the end. The first four across the line would then progress on to the next round – still involving rope – wrapped around some wooden towers.

Unsurprisingly, Lydia lagged behind and was a total non-contender, but perhaps more surprisingly was that she was joined at the rear (so to speak) by Judd and Danni. Up at the front meanwhile, a determined Gary was leading the pack. At least, he was until Cindy’s feed of caffeine kicked in – she pipped him at the post and joined Super Steph, Jamie and Rafe for the second leg of the challenge.

Right from the start of the second race she was leading; caffeine working its best, until…… she got stuck and the sweet lad Rafe trotted across the finishing mat first. Again. Gary looked sick with worry.

I'm trying Rafe, I really am, but this catch is really hard to do up at the back here....

Camp Yaxhum (I've given up on trying to spell it properly) on Day 27 saw Rafe regretting his recent wins: “I’ve just made myself a huge threat in this game. I’ve got to change the way I play.”

Jamie was busy working his paranoid powers of magic amongst the original ‘six’ of Steph, Lydia, Rafe, Judd and Cindy. Cindy told us that “Jamie’s paranoia is getting old. He doesn’t know when to be quiet.” Rafe was asked to play whatever that wooden game is with the sticks and corn bits again and again and again so that Jamie could strategise with him. He rolled his eyes: “It’s ‘stick with the six…..stay with the six…..are you still with the six’….. if you ask me again I’m going to throw this corn at you!”

Rafe decided to tell more people than just us at home about how Jamie was more single-mindedly annoying than a blowfly at a glassed window. He and Lydia had a wee chat about it and were then joined by Steph – how about voting off Jamie tonight instead of Gary? Steph wasn’t too sure: “Gary is a smooth operator.”

At Tribal Council my mind was immediately distracted by Bobby Jon – aka BoJo, the original hunk of man-meat as he sauntered in to take his place as the first member of the jury. Humina humina humina! He looked absolutely luscious freshly shaven, with clean hair and that ------oh, sorry, you want to know about Tribal Council…..

Judd told Jeff that “Gary’s a man’s man and he makes me try to be a better man.” That’s nice, but I don’t see much evidence that Judd’s taken on Gary’s rather quiet, man-of-few-words approach. The GazMan himself just said that he was trying to be positive and take it day by day – classic sports speak by a classic athlete.

Jazzed-out Jamie – without irony – told Jeff that “You can go insane out here, it gets to you….. But all these people here have been really supportive.”

Jamie voted for Gary (as per the original six strategy);
Gary voted for Jamie; and
Judd voted for Gary.
Judd was just as surprised as Jamie when Jeff snuffed out Jamie’s torch. “Blindsided – NICE! Now that’s how you vote someone out!” Rather well handled by someone on the edge of insanity and obsession.

Next week – Judd’s now in limbo with the remnants of the ‘six’ and Steph gets shirty at, well, something, presumably.

The premiership table is starting to get interesting - only three are in the lead with all three of their original picks remaining, give or take a BoJo or SS. Those lucky gents are Special Ray (maybe he should stay in China to keep up the good luck); Ian of QV (never watched the show before - makes me sick!) and Brett Turner (an unknown quantity; a man of mystery).

Bye bye Jamie - now go and get some help, will you?!

Ep 9 - Good housekeeping tip - chunder where you sleep

Xhakum, Night 21 saw Jamie all upset about Bobby Jon telling him during Tribal Council that he had no class. “I’m not angry; my feelings are hurt.” He went on. And on: “It’s like calling me white trash, Bobby Jon….it broke my heart.” Oh boo flippin’ hoo and this from the guy who welcomed his new tribe mates by telling them that they had to sleep outside! BJ must have that in-built himbo deafness to whingeing because he eventually shook hands with the cry-baby-sooky-pants around the campfire.

Rafe told us that Jamie had taken things waaay too personally, noting “If he doesn’t use this to change (his behaviour) then I’m going to change the game.” How Rafe hopes to achieve this, I’m not sure – by smiling harder, skipping to the challenges or having a Madonna singalong?

Day 22 found Lydia pounding the corn with about as much strength as a burnt moth. Judd and Stephenie were slothing around in the smug knowledge that Gary, BJ and Danni were their next targets. BJ knew it too: “I need the idol now. There’s pretty much nothing I can do to budge the magical six up there, I just gotta keep tryin’.” Danni and Gary were also frantically looking in the jungle.

The Reward Challenge mercifully looked as though it was set up for anyone to win and not just the brawniest. The Reward – food, of course. The Probster informed them that they would all get something to eat, but what they eat would depend on their performance in the challenge. The winner would also get a clue on where the other immunity idol was hidden.



I know I keep harping on it, but it was hard to tell the difference between Danni and the spear









Judd’s shot was great –only 1.5m away from the centre. BJ’s shot didn’t even make the edge of the biggest circle, and Rafe (despite throwing like a girl), at least made it into the circles. Unsurprisingly, Lydia managed to outdo BJ at crappy throwing.
Danni and Cindy were close behind Judd. Jamie ended up fourth, but decided to take the last meal so that everyone else could move up a space. It was his way of making up for yesterday: “We’re one tribe now, I should have known that sooner.” Aw, bless his sweet heart – is it just me, or have you also noticed that his good ole boy southern accent seems to be gettin’ stronger?







As with all major athletes, Danni found that by sticking her tongue out it improved her performance more than any steak or steroid ever could.












Over at the lodge, a victorious Judd headed over for his steak and lobster at his own table. A dog and puppies trotted through but Judd was focused on his food and beer. Second-placed Cindy got chicken and veges; Danni got spag bol; Steph a burger and beer; a slice of pizza for Gary; a ham and cheese sandwich for Rafe; baked potato for BJ; a tiny fish and glass of water for Lydia and ……… lake water and local nuts for Jamie.

Then Jeff stated that Judd could invite two people to share his meal, including the open bar and a dessert menu. He chose Bobby Jon (why? Because he’s going to be voted off anyhow, no matter how hard he tries?) and Stephenie to eat with him. BJ was careful not to obviously gorge in front of the others, especially Gary. “You’re killin me Gary” said Judd, averting his eyes.


Gary admitted to us “It was two hours of watching them gorge themselves and get drunk – not my idea of fun.” However, what is Gary's idea of fun - has he cracked a smile on the show yet???


Judd and BJ staggered home still smoking their cigars. Judd hugged Jamie and BJ decided to hoik down a stump into the fire which was, to the sober eye, a 10 metre long tree. Judd went for a gutzer, but hey, at least his cigar didn’t go out!

On Day 23, the tribe told Judd that he threw up in the shelter that night, as well as snored like a hog stuck in the mud – mmmm, it must have smelt nice in that festering, steamy heat and his vomity, beery, cigary, no-toothpaste-for-23-days morning breath a real turn on. Perhaps they should have taken him out on the fishing boat and got him to lean over and breathe on a fish to catch their meal.

Despite this, Steph clearly found enough energy to consider him socially acceptable because he shared the clue regarding the immunity idol with her – essentially, that it’s not on the ground. However he then trudged down to the others and told them that “it’s totally on the ground,” but his acting skills seemed to me to be akin to Paris Hilton (in any video) and not Meryl and as such, didn’t seem to convince the others as much as amuse them.

Day 24 found Jamie seeking assurance from Rafe that they were still in an alliance together. Rafe said, “Jamie is totally paranoid all the time…… but I don’t totally trust Jamie.” Our new-hearted hillbilly then worked on Gary to ensure that he too would be prepared to vote with him. The mozzies barely got a chance to land on his back before he was telling Steph, Judd and Lydia that Gary said he was going to vote for him instead of with him. Steph was convinced: “Jamie is a liability….he’s not all there and is a loose cannon.”




'Ol Jamie might be a tad crazy and all but my mate Jill wouldn't mind having a play with his loose cannon....















Pot mail hinted at some kind of balancing event for the immunity challenge and it at least got the others to move away from Jamie’s increasingly erratic mumblings and do some balancing exercises instead.

The immunity challenge – lordy, how to describe it – beams and planks and ropes and having to be the first four, then the first two then the final round. If I was in the competition I’d be begging for the arrow throwing competition to be run again instead.

Jamie elected to squodge along the beam via his goolies instead of walking along with his feet and Jeff commented, wincing, “Oh that’s gotta feel good.” Imagine how it’ll feel the next day…. However this sperm-count-reducing method enabled him to be in the first four with Rafe, Gary and Danni. The rope’n’plank thingy leg of the race was won by Rafe and Jamie, so again, having crucified crown jewels didn’t hinder him. In the final part of the race, poor old Rafe did a hilariously spectacular head dunk and body flip into the water, giving Jamie the immunity for that night’s tribal council.

The ‘strong six’ selected Gary to go, followed by Bobby Jon. Steph told us, “Gary’s a huge physical threat and he’s always in game-mode.” BJ had a few schemes of his own, telling Jamie and Judd and that “your real threat is down there grinding corn”- Stephenie in other words. Out in the jungle, Gary noticed that Judd was busy looking up at the trees and not on the ground.

At Tribal Council Jeff asked Gary, “Have you lied in this game?” No was the firm answer. He then turned to Judd: “Have you lie---“ “No,” said Judd, the it’s-on-the-ground’ clue sharer, beady little eyes open and innocent-looking. Jeff then asked if anyone had the immunity idol and wanted to use it – Gary had, and did, which shocked the hell out of the rest of them.

Jamie was less vocal when he wrote down Bobby Jon: “Wow, sorry.”
Bobby Jon cast his vote for Steph: “Better now than never I guess.”
Danni voted for Steph and Steph of course voted for BJ: “I’m glad you made the jury.”

2 votes for Stephenie and 1 for Cindy, but of course it was for our dear old himbo, Bobby Jon. As Jeff snuffed his torch he said, “Thanks very much, I enjoyed it.”




Bye bye Bobby Jon, you've been great to..... watch. See you in an improved dream sequence some time!













Alas, the premiership table will show you that I'm now completely out of contention with my favourite hunk 'o' himbo, BJ gone. The same goes for Bec, so we two can now just sit back, relax and enjoy all the strategising, fighting, challenges, gradual starvation - aren't you glad they haven't perfected 'smellovision' yet?

Next week – Jamie gets irritated with Gary, survivors get muddy for the best reward and Lydia has to make a decision – what, a decision?? You mean she’s actually useful at something in this game?????

Ep 8 - Merge Jerk-i-ness

Nakum Night 18
All of the humans were asleep, except for the rats, monkeys and lizards, until four little Yaxhaians walked nervously over to the six Nakumians and woke them up with the news that they were now one tribe.
BJ had a few immediate concerns: “I can't be around Stephenie for more than five minutes or Jamie – I’ll want to knock him out”

Super Steph wasn't yet with it enough to be concerned about BJ: "My head is like spinning”
Jamie gave them a charming welcome with the news that “There’s no room in the shelter so I hope you don’t mind sleeping outside.”
BJ soon forgot about Stephenie and focussed instead on Jamie: "You say one more thing to me, I’m going to knock every one of them teeth out of your head”

Day 19 started with a scenic shot of a monkey yawning widely and then focused straight on Jamie doing the same thing (and probably with worse morning breath).
BJ, Brandon and Gary did their best to do the work around the camp, as did Danni.
Danni told us: “Yhey’re not warm and friendly…..we feel like slaves…”
Yet it was both Brandon and BJ who felt most at risk of being voted off.

The pot mail contained some paints for a new flag and a note about a small immunity idol hidden near the camp that, if found, could be used to guarantee it’s owner immunity (up to the final four). How the hell were they - starving, exhausted, sweaty, starving - going to find a tiny little statue in such a huge jungle?
Brandon knew the difficulty of the task and it's importance to him. “It’s like a needle in a haystack and I got a target on my back….I could really use it.”

BJ managed to get Steph aside and got her assurance that he would not be the first of ex-Yaxha to be voted off . “I want to be on the jury so bad.” Why??

Day 20 saw BJ still busy looking for the immunity idol whilst Lydia tried to get the tribe to think of a new name. They ended up with Xachum, a combination of both old tribe names.
Rafe meanwhile, kept looking for the idol: "I’m the worst at looking for anything,” he told us, and then ended up disturbing a hornet’s nest “That’s a message from the gods. I’m done, I won’t be finding the idol.”

Despite the tribe still divided among original lines, all of them were disappointed that there wasn’t some kind of welcoming merge feast involved as per usual merges in other series. The four ex-Yaxhaians decided to escape the unwelcoming atmosphere for a while to go fishing.
Rafe: “I’m not totally happy with our team’s attitude of ‘we’re in control now and don’t have to do anything” After sitting there listening to his team back stabbing the fisherfolk, Rafe, asked, “I’ve just had a sad realization – am I part of the axis of evil?”


Word to BJ, Brandon, Gary and Danni – if you catch any fish, don’t share it!

Xhakum Day 21 started with them all appearing to be enjoying themselves in the Yaxha swimming enclosure.
Later, in pot mail there was info about a pot balancing challenge for the first individual immunity event.
Jamie told Jeff about how the new ones had to sleep outside, and BJ expressed his views by immediately spitting on the ground in front of him.

There was a table laden with food – with a condition. If a contestant felt confident enough that they wouldn’t be voted off tonight, they could sit down and eat. If a contestant felt vulnerable about staying, they would do the challenge and not eat.
Those who chose to eat – Rafe, Stephenie, Lydia and Jamie
Pot Player – Cindy, Judd, Danni, Brandon, BJ, Gary

The poor pot balancers had to stand there on their cubes seeing and smelling the other four EATING their food!















Jamie, with his mouth full kept goading the others: “Brandon and BJ are there because they know they’re the first going home……” In answer to BJ saying “We’re all the one tribe now,” he retorted: “We aint never been one tribe.”
Half an hour into it, Jamie was still goading and Rafe whispered: “Please stop it – I feel bad.”

An hour had gone, with only Danni out of the competition. They had to race up the steps of the pyramid with the pots on their heads. Gary made it to the top and won immunity. This photo clearly shows that the old string bean really could have done with the feed instead.

Back at camp, Judd let Jamie have it for his attitude. “The only time I got pissed was every time you were talking……just shut up man.”
Cindy told us: “Jamie did not show class during this challenge and everyone knows that…..it may come around and get him.” I hope it does!
Rafe to us, “I can not respect myself and go far in this game with Jamie.”
BJ to us: “Jamie’s being arrogant and is probably going home tonight……what if I slipped off this platform with this pot and smashed it over his head.” Ah, if only!

Jamie still was at it, goading both Brandon and BJ to tell him which one of them was going to have their head on the chopping block tonight. This got BJ’s hopes up, telling Brandon that the rest of the tribe were also fed up with Jamie. Even so, Brandon galloped off into the forest another look for the mini immunity idol.

Gary tried to get Rafe to vote for Jamie, as did Danni to Cindy: “I’d rather hurt Jamie’s feelings than Brandon’s.” But she then said to us, “It’s not about who I like but how I play the game. I’ll wait and see just what name I write down on the paper tonight.”

At Tribal Council, Rafe admitted that he didn’t like the way that Jamie wasn’t respecting the new tribe members. BJ weighed in: “That was no class.” Then BJ and Jamie started arguing amongst themselves until Stephenie told them to stop. “We’ll see who the bigger man is on the field,” said Jamie, and even Jeff shook his head as though he was thinking “what a jerk.”

No-one presented the other immunity idol, or chose not to use it for the session. Surprisingly, Jamie said some rather nice things about Brandon whilst he voted him off. BJ, naturally voted for Jamie: “Southern pride means being a Southern gentleman, and no, you don’t have any class at all.”

Brandon got voted off, just for the bad luck of being in the minority, being strong and therefore being too much of a risk for winning any individual immunity challenges.

Next week – BJ and Jamie continue to battle; the search for the immunity idol continues and Judd threw up in the shelter….

The premiership table will show that some of you will be disappointed that the Farmer Boy has gone. As I keep saying, GO BOBBY JON. Plus I'll now keep saying: "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch region, Jamie!"