Ep 7 - Two Tribes go to war....

This week's episode opened with Nakum on Night 15. Judd was very relieved that Margaret was gone: "I'm not a loose cannon......I'm a big teddy bear." The rest of his tribe just nodded and smiled, all the while thinking, Okaaaaay. As Jamie told us: "It makes me want to take Judd with me to the final two because he's going to keep blowing up."

At Yaxha, there was little focus on Brian's demise and more on how the hell poor old Bobby Jon was going to peel his shirt off his sticky, pussy shoulder wound. He wasn't alone, as Brandon also had a few festering grazes and was kind enough to point out to Amy that she had a couple on her chin.

Day 16 arrived and with it the Reward Challenge. As usual, Jeff explained it and I was totally confused until I saw the event happen - lots of dizzying stuff for food-starved competitors! Alternatively, it might be a good party game I'll try for my daughter's seventh birthday party next year....

The Mayans were the culture originally attributed with discovering chocolate, so the reward was a chocolate feast with a zip-line canopy ride through the rainforest.



Team Nakum worked very well together as they tried to rustle up a bra for Cindy



but Brandon's team mates weren't quite so adept at bush bra making....














It was a reasonably close - and somewhat Benny Hill-like - race, but Nakum fell over just as they were about to race to the end. Like a multi-limbed, four-backed bug they struggled to get up and were beaten by Yaxha. Poor chunky-lunks Lydia looked devastated at their loss.

Yaxha each wore harnesses as they walked along a high rope bridge before sliding down the cable through the forest.

It wasn't really Amy's thing, as evidenced by her screaming "Get me to the freakin' platform!" BJ, on the other hand, showed a rare flicker of eloquence: "It was majestic....", before dashing my hopes with "...seein' all those tall trees and stuff." Best keep your mouth shut my love.





The chocolate feast was enjoyed by all and it would have gone down a treat with the huge glasses of ice cold milk that was also available (when did these poor sods eat any dairy food?)

Brandon told us afterwards that "Even looking at the mud on the ground reminds me of chocolate, and makes me feel sick." Way to go son - if you ain't feeling sick after chocolate, you haven't had enough!







Hard to believe that Danni the birthday girl had eaten any chocolate at all














The birthday girl suggested that they share the left-over choccies with the Nakum tribe and invite them over for a pool party. As they were paddling over, BJ assured a worried Gary that there'd be no niggly wiggly he-man macho nonsense with him and Jamie.

Over at choc-free Nakum, dear old Rafe was making playing cards out of leaves. As he and Stephenie were settling down to play, they heard the visiting Yaxhaians calling out to them. Gary made it clear: "No buffs, no game talk, just a party." Jamie and Cindy weren't thrilled with the idea of being friendly with Yaxha, but reluctantly went along with the rest of their tribe. Poor things - was the chocolate worth seeing Judd in his tighty whities around the pool?

Jamie stayed aloof and told us: "I'm here for business and everyone else should be also." That's fine you big lug but you are also supposed to be playing the game, remember, or you may find that you're in the final two because you make other player look good. His negativity ended up getting on his team mates'nerves during the paddle home. Super Steph told us that "there could be a clash between he and I."

On day 18 at Yaxha, they were still eating the chocolate. BJ was in the swimming enclosure, letting little fish nibble at his festering shoulders and loose flaps of skin. Then Mr Anti-Mensa tried to amuse himself by seeing if he could catch the feeding fish with his mouth. Meanwhile Amy tried again to see if she could get Gary to admit that he was an ex-NFL player, but he stuck firm to his story.

The Immunity Challenge involved digging up large, heavy puzzle pieces before putting them together to form an ancient Mayan calendar. Desperately de-caloried Danni didn't have the strength in the early stage and gave up to let Brandon dig out a piece.


I know my likeable personality's in here somewhere...











Jamie threw a piece that accidentally got Stephenie right on the shin - that would have hurt. Despite this hiccup, Nakum won the challenge.





It's fun to stay at the Y...










Yaxha sadly shuffled back to their camp. Amy was feeling vulnerable because Danni, Brandon and BJ were pretty tight and not about to break their original alliance. Or so she thought until Danni mentioned that, at first, she wasn't happy that BJ was playing because he'd already had his chance in the previous series.

Amy seized this morsel as a possible way to get Danni and co to vote off BJ instead of her that night. Gary told her, "If you've got Danni, you've got me."
Brandon told Danni, "Amy may be more deserving to be here than BJ....."
As for BJ the mouth-fish-molester, he told us that "I want to make it to the jury - that'd be a lifelong dream." Um, no, it wouldn't be 'lifelong' sweetie - the show's only been running for five years and you're twenty five.... Undeterred he went on: "Not everyone gets a second chance and I don't want to blow it."

At Tribal Council, Brandon told Jeff that tonight's vote had been extremely difficult for him to decide who to vote for, "the hardest part is justifying why you voted someone out." Danni agreed, "We have all bonded, so being here sucks."

BJ voted for Amy (and gave her his usual mangled compliments) and Amy voted for BJ. It was Amy who was voted off, four votes to one (hers, obviously). The physically weakest member and no doubt Gary was tired of having to fend off her NFL queries all the time.

Jeff then told them that they were about to merge with Nakum. They were to head to Nakum's camp with new team buffs and to decide on a new tribal name.

The premiership table shows that a couple of you no longer share equal first place, so now things are starting to get interesting. Go Bobby Jon!

Next week - Nakum awakes to a surprise merge and Jamie and Judd have an argument....

Ep 6 - big mouths, beers and bon voyages

We're up to Day 15 now folks, and at Yaxha it found young farmer boy Brandon a tad sober after realising that he wasn't privy (meaning 'included', not Elizabethan English for 'toilet') to his tribe voting out frat-boy Blake. I felt even sorrier for him when he tried to get an explanation for it from Bobby Jon, a man not noted for his eloquence or intelligence. Sadly BJ didn't miraculously break out of character but could barely string his words together before grunting out, "He rubbed some folk up the wrong way," after several tries.

Over at Nakum the monkeys were lazing elegantly in the tree tops and looking down on their less hairy brethren swatting off mosquitoes and getting more and more pissed off by the minute. Skinny nurse Margaret was singled out as being the downer of the tribe, even by chuckle trousers Rafe, who told us, "Margaret has such a negative energy.....she's fading out."
Judd, who has about as much delicacy as a rhino with flatulence told Jamie "She's miserable because she got stuck with me instead of BJ, Brandon and Blake." I don't think there'd be too many viewers who'd blame her for that, although we'd probably all hope we'd do better at hiding our disappointment.....

At the Reward Challenge, team Nakum were shocked to see that Yaxha had given Blake the big shove off; but their surprise evaporated when the Probster told them what the reward was - hot dogs, hamburgers, rolls, condiments and beers. For the winning tribe of course. But, in the words of Tim the Demtel man - that's not all - both tribes were to go to Tribal Council that night to vote out a member. He then offered a tiny morsel of consolation to the winning tribe - after this challenge they'd undertake another challenge for someone to win individual immunity from the night's vote off. All clear now?

The props department clearly needed something to help them use up their spare tobacco papers and cardboard pieces because they'd ended up with a huge brown, lumpy ball that was to be pushed to the finishing line in a kind of roly-poly version of tug-of-war.

• Amy and Danni beat Stephenie and Cindy;
• Jamie and Judd beat Bobby Jon and Brandon, with BJ and Jamie trying to out-babboon each other afterwards. Most of their chest thumping grunts were indecipherable except (after a quick rewind of the video) for BJ yelling out "That's not nice." Fighting words, BJ, fightin' words. Hells Angels, neo-Nazis and Psychos across the globe would be shaking in their shoes at your menacing use of the English language.
• Judd and Stephenie beat Gary and Amy but only because Amy fell down and re-sprained her ankle;
• Margaret and Cindy lost to the injured Amy and Danni!

Good onyer luv!

..... and add a few more victories by Judd'n'Jamie and it ended in cheers of victory for Nakum

and Boo hoos for Yaxha.

Jeff baby wasn't about to give them their BBQ basket that easily however. He then told them that they had to do their next challenge to decide who would win immunity at the tribal council vote that night.

Now how could Jeff not give Danni a quick nibble at Nakum's BBQ basket whilst they were busy doing their next challenge?

The challenge was, mercifully for Nakum, not another physically draining one. They each had to run and untie three bags that contained puzzle letters, do the puzzle, be the first to get it right and thus win immunity. Dear old Rafe was frantically sorting out his letters and Judd, who was still trying to undo the knots on his bags, gave him the answer - Ancient Ruin. Rafe won immunity and probably also owes Judd a rather large favour.

Any worries about strategy and who to choose was forgotten by Nakum as they went back to their camp with their food. "We're on a winning streak," crowed Stephenie. Maybe a tad optimistically I reckon, seeing as it was only their second victory. Dear old Bobby Jon's antics at the 'Big Ball Bash' was their main topic of conversation, but Jamie explained that "Us Southern people are crazy and we know it." Bless him.

Over at Yaxha, BJ saw it less as a deranged quality and more directed at Jamie's behaviour: "He's cocky and arrogant.....he crossed that line and I put him in his place." Yes you did you dumb, inarticulate yet still inexplicably attractive young babboon..... Soon they started to whisper in various groupings about who to vote off that night. Brandon, Amy and Brian were the physically weaker players, yet Brian was exhorting Amy and Gary to stick with him via their original tribal voting lines.

Back at Nakum Judd was as smug as a pig in mud: "I'm goin' to Tribal council tonight without a damn worry in the world, man." That may be so, but it was pretty obvious that the Juddster had taken more than his fair share of the beer at the picnic. He tried to bluff and huff and puff his way out of it, but the others were not fooled. Cindy stated the obvious: "Judd's mouth works before his brain does," and Margaret told us that "Judd is Judd's own worst enemy." Even chippy-chops Rafe looked disappointed in him.

Beers? Where????

At Nakum Tribal Council it was all Judd, Judd, Judd and Judd. He told Jeff that he swapped his hotdog for Stephenie's beer (yet he still took more than his share!). Judd and Jamie started with eye rolling etc when Margaret spoke, making it very clear that they disliked her. When Jeff asked a question about whether Nakum displayed good sportsmanship, Judd was off and running. "I wouldn't consider myself a bad sportsmanship," he ranted over and over. A word of advice, bonehead: lose the word 'ship' from the phrase 'bad sportsmanship' and you might just convince me that you have an IQ larger than room temperature (yes, in celcius).

Margaret said, "Judd only listens to Judd," which he immediately leapt upon. "Do I listen to you? Do I listen to you? Do I listen to you?" he asked of every tribe member only to interrupt each and every one of them. Poor little Rafe looked as though he was about to vomit as Judd exploded around him. Judd continued to rave on and on and ON about how Margaret accused him of having ADD, which only served to strengthen her case, or at least convince the others that he had the concentration span of a warm monkey turd.

As for the Probster, he couldn't even get a word in until it was time for him to say "Now cast your votes." Unsurprisingly, Judd voted for Margaret: "Get out NOW," and Margaret voted for Judd: "You're rude, you're profane." Unfortunately for Margaret, she was given the flick in a classic case of strength winning over anything else - while the dumb ox has a use, he stays. For now at least......

Judd, caught in a rare moment with his mouth closed

Rafe, still looking queasy, then got to sit in at Yaxha's Tribal Council. Gary considered that Nakum were OK in the sportsmanship department, but "Jamie can get carried away and throw some trash talk our way."

Trash talking Jamie, but still pretty enough for my buddy Jill

Brandon gushed over Amy's determination and victory in the ball thingy competition despite her injury, "She's incredible." All of them praised Brian's attitude, commitment and team spirit, with BJ trying his best to include a wordy enough compliment: "He'd make a good neighbour."

Then Jeff dropped a fart, so sorry scratch that - a bombshell - Rafe could give immunity to one member of Yaxha. He cast his secret vote and was then told to buzz off back home by Jeff. Brian voted for Bobby Jon and Bobby Jon voted for Brian. It was not the hyperactive chipmunk's night - Brian was voted out and Rafe's immunity was given to Gary, who wasn't even a target. Jeff sent the tribe back home telling them "You've cut Brian's throat" which was a bit harsh. No dislike was evident; he just wasn't physically strong. As with Nakum, strength wins over brains or wit. For now......

Next week - Amy confronts Gary over lying about his NFL past and Nakum is visited by Yaxha....

And the premiership table shows that I, honourable owner and scribe of this 'blog, have lost all three of my original picks and am therefore pinning all of my lustful hopes on that eloquent piece of man-meat, Bobby Jon.

Ep 5 - Boys will be boys?

Nakum, Night 11 found a pissed-off Margaret throwing daggers at Judd for betraying her and their old Nakum team mates. Judd wasn't having a bar of it however, telling her that “You gotta remember it’s a cutthroat game….we’re all here to win a million dollars.” Still she wouldn't leave it alone and he resorted to spitting out: “I don’t give a flying rats arse what people think about me.”
To us he commented that “As long as my wife and kid still love me, that’s all that matters.”

Yaxha Day 12
Blake was the first awake, watching a croc swimming in the river in the early morning dawn with delicate clouds of mist still rising from the water..... Ah, stuff that girly writing for a joke, let's get back to the ins and outs of the show.

Farm Boy Brandon was finding it a challenge getting to know the hyper student Brian, Football Chick Danni and Policewoman Amy. “I’m used to rednecks, hicks, farming type of people, but Amy’s never left the city." Bless her sweet heart - she ran around the camp trying to escape a huge flying bug on her shoulder, and was later receiving some instruction in wheat planting by Bobby Jon and Brandon. Which would be kind of like being taught how to live frugally by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Brian told us that “They’re kinda like people I would never like hang out with……and I don’t want to thank Jesus for this meal, if that’s OK, but I wouldn’t do that, it would be stupid.”

There was no pot mail to give us any clues as to what the Reward Challenge would be until they fronted up to the Probster. I was my usual blonde self in failing to understand every step but it seemd to be some kind of hellish uphill obstacle course involving the use of stone to cut through a rope; then chop through a log; race to the top of the platform to put the handles into a turnstile that would bring a cart up the hill towards them. Then the remaining tribe member would then cut through the rope to release the cart carrying the team down the hill. Or something along those lines - I was too distracted by the lovely fruchocs left by Catherine-the-Elegant after dinner.

The reward for all of this effort was a good one - margaritas, corn chips, guacamole and….. a croc-proof water cage for swimming and sunning themselves - a rather nice change from sprinkling a teaspoon of water on at a time in an effort to wash and cool themselves down.

Yaxha took the early lead thanks to Farmer Boy hacking through the rope with ease whilst Jamie struggled. Yaxha made it up to the top with the turnstile whilst Jamie was still trying to cut the first rope (maybe it would have been better if placed around his neck…) Yaxha rode their cart past Jamie and Nakum to win the prize in the biggest thrashing of the show yet. “Sorry guys,” said Jamie, almost looking as though he was crying. Stephenie looked ropable (weak pun intended)

Yaxha ran victoriously back to their camp to find a rather glamorous looking square swimming deck with sunloungers and umbrellas which was large enough for them all to fit in there at once. In a rare moment of braggartyness, Brandon told us: “You could say I won it for Yaxha.”
Gary told us: “We got a new superhero on our team and Kansas is loving him…and so am I.”

Check out this photo - if Brandon had any trouble cutting the rope, he could have used Danni's hip bones..!






Note to team: Give Danni ALL the guacamole or she’ll slip through the bars of the swim cage!














Over at Nakum, Jamie apologized to everyone for his total lack of rope cutting skills. However, Judd told us, “Man, what the hell…? is what we’re all thinking." His big mouth didn't stop flapping there either, as he mouthed off to Cindy and Margaret, telling them that “You guys should step up to be the stars you think you are.” Zookeeper Cindy did an admirable job of restraining herself from kneeing him in the goolies and pushing him into the croc-infested waters.

Super Steph told us that she's “Happy for BJ to win but he cheers like a frickin’ girl….I’m jealous. I’m biting my tongue at camp and I’m never going to cry in front of them ever…..I’m in a really bad dream that I can’t ever get out of….. I’m in the less-abled team that (pause) well, sucks basically”
Any admiration I had for her vanished quicker than a fruchoc in my house when Stephenie continued her tirade against my bonehead beefcake favourite boy BJ:“He’s gay, he’s like so gay…” Who, BJ or Jamie??

Don't you worry none, BJ. You're a purdier longhorned steer than she is, buckaroo or I'll strap my face to the side of a hog and get rolled over in the mud....
















At Yaxha night 13 – during a rainstorm they huddled together miserably under an umbrella. However Blake “Golden Boy” and Brian stayed asleep under the shelter and seemed to be dry and oblivious to their shivering comrades.
Brandon told us that “Blake talks about himself all the time.” At camp he told them that “My girlfriend has got double Ds, she’s got big boobs.” Well thank you, Mr Man of the Year 2005. I'm sure that she'll be utterly thrilled to find out that that's what you decide to tell you team instead of anything about her intelligence, personality or political views. Don't worry, I've now stopped channelling Germaine Greer.

The Golden Boy got a kick out of regaling his less worldly team mates with endless tales of frat parties and exploits. Brian told us: “I’ve got a new game, it’s called Bait Blake…..it will show Danni and Bobby Jon what a complete moron he is. He’s digging himself into a big hole and I’m here to make sure he’s got a shovel.”

At Nakum on Day 14 they found themselves some pot mail. Steph: “I’m trying to get this bad luck that’s dwelling over my head away from me.”
Lydia tried her best – the poor, deluded old duck – to sing a cheerful song which went down as well as syphilis. The expressions on their faces showed us that she was the stand out candidate for the next one to go…..
Jamie (about L’s dancing) wasn't going to beat around the bush: “You look like you’re having a seizure”
Steph was merely puzzled, wondering “Where did the normal Lydia of yesterday go?’

The Immunity Challenge saw Nakum looking crabby. Jamie told Jeff that “We’re not going to smile until we win.”
The Probster explained that the challenge would have each tribe divided into two groups of three with one tribe member catapulting balls into the area for their team mates to catch in nets. The winner would be the first tribe to catch five balls in their nets.

Nakum were ahead 2 catches to one; then Yaxha tied it for two each. Soon Nakum led four catches to two, and eventually they caught the fifth one. Jamie yelled out “Who’s smiling now? Who’s smiling now?” Calm down Meat Head, you've only bought yourself a three day reprieve.

Back at camp, Yaxha found themselves fuming over Jamie’s immature antics and their loss. Brian was keen to start strategising as he realised that only three of their original tribe remained compared to the four new members from Nakum. He's a very strange looking chap isn't he – a kind of deranged chipmunk with a long, white pencil neck.














BJ “ I listen to Gary a lot because he’s smart.” That's nice, sweetie; now run along and hack a tree or two down for the fire, there's a good himbo.
Gary approached Danni and Amy to discuss voting out Blake first; but BJ and Blake were thinking about getting rid of Brian. Brandon told Danni that he wasn’t going to vote off Blake due to needing his strength, but was thinking about Amy. But Danni told us “I like Blake, but I don’t like that frat boy stuff…..I hate being the swing vote….” At least I think that's what she said - she's so horrifyingly thin, it's about all I can do to stop myself from screaming "GO and EAT SOMETHING - anything! Blake's HEAD if you must!"

At Tribal Council, Jeff found out that Amy had nicknamed Blake ‘Golden Boy’. Brandon admitted that he’s “…..starting to like some people a little bit more than others.”
Brian voted for Blake: “You may be the golden boy, but I’m platinum.”
Brandon voted for Brian, as did Blake, but Gary voted for Blake……Danni started writing the letter ‘B’ before we were shoved into the ad break.

Brian looked ill as his two votes were read out, but then Blake looked surprised that he, Golden Frat Boy with heaps of amusing stories was given the Big Elbow. My darling husband commented, “Well he’s not got the million bucks, or a girlfriend after talking about her big boobs on international television.” Our houseguest (and Masters Games gold, silver and bronze medal winner) Dale, liked what she saw and retorted “Oh I don’t know, he’d probably be fending off E-cups when he gets back.”

Next week – at Nakum, Margaret and Judd can’t get along; Amy takes another injury and Bobby Jon and Jamie bounce off each other yelling like a couple of baboons in heat…..

And if you want to know just how you're going compared to your competitors, just go to the premiership table for a gander - there's still quite a few of you that have your original three picks (plus either BJ or Super Steph) remaining.

See youse next week!

Ep 4 - Shuffle-ing Succotash!

Camp Nakum, Day 9 - The episode opened with even the monkeys being too tired to do anything in the heat, lazing about in the trees, arms dropping languidly. Their neighbours, the less hairy humans were all flaked out under the shelter, feeling completely exhausted after their winning challenge

Margaret told us that "We're sapped of energy and the mosquitoes are unbelievable." Each team member was shown constantly slapping and waving them away and all of them were covered in itchy welts. An uncharacteristically drab Brandon summed up the heat, the lack of food and energy: "It completely wears you down. It's easier to lay around and do nothing...which is kind of pathetic. I can't imagine what the other losing team feels like."

Farmer Boy would have been mildly surprised (if he had the energy to be) because at Yaxha they were busy little bees trying to catch fish with their pots submerged in the water, before yanking them out and catching a few stray minnow. The perennially cheerful chappie Rafe told us that: "Gary and I are fishing machines - these minnows are in trouble; there's no stopping us." Bless him but what is he on? Is there some kind of natural high to be found in Guatemalen termites?

Not soon after, a huge crocodile ventured into their watering area. Hence, they were happy to continue washing themselves on the jetty and pour water over themselves with pots rather than to risk going in for a full dunk.

We viewers were then hurled straight into the Reward Challenge. Jeff acknowledged to the tribes that "You guys have endured arguably the toughest Survivor ever." The reward challenge was therefore going to involve answering questions about their other tribe mates instead of a gruelling physical challenge.





Which tribe member is most in need of some nourishment?
Yaxha chose = Jamie. Nakum = Danni.

Jeff gave them an apple each. Danni looks as though she needs to inhale an entire orchard, including the pigs eating the grass under each tree.....










Which tribe member is the smelliest?

Y= Gary. N = Bobby Jon.

They both got an outdoor bush shower and their team mates were telling them "Use all that soap, fellas!"

Note to self - does Survivor have any job vacancies for novice camerawomen for any Bobby Jon shower scenes?











From your tribe, which man and which woman most deserve a picnic afternoon?
Y= Gary and Amy N= Margaret and Judd
The Probster unveiled a generous hamper of chicken, potato salad, iced tea and sent them off for a feed and a chat on top of the ruins.

Which tribe member has the most tribe pride?
Y= Brian N= Cindy
Here Jeff had a twinkle in his eye and a grim smile. He told them that Brian would remain a Yaxha member and Cindy would remain a Nakum member. But - and it was a big BUT - Brian's old buddies Jamie, Rafe, Lydia and Stephenie were going to join Cindy over a Nakum and as for the proud Yaxhaian Brian, he would be welcoming Danni, Bobby Jon, Blake and Brandon.
Not forgetting that Yaxha picnickers Gary and Amy and Nakumians Margaret and Judd would be returning to their camps afterwards for a big surprise.

.....I think there'd be a few gals (and guys) in the world that would be happy to welcome young Blake in to their 'camp'....













At that moment though, the four of them were blissfully unaware as they sat at the top of the monument with a magnificent view of the lake, rainforest and, more importantly, food.
Margaret asked Gary about being an ex-football player, but he still denied it.
Amy told us later that "If he really is and is retired and is a millionaire, I'll kill him. I'll freakin' kill him."

Brian had to show his new tribe members the camp at Yaxha - and they arrived to a basket of fruit. He was very worried as he now only one of three original Yaxhaians with four new Nakumians. Amy and Gary got back to this new tribe. "What the ---- is going on?" said Amy.
To us: "We're decimated here, we're gone!"
Again, Danni asked him about his profootball background and he denied it. Again.
Gary: "I'm not going to blow my strategy." But do they believe him?

At Nakum, Margaret and Judd arrived to see Stephenie, Rafe and Jamie.
Margaret: "I don't feel safe at all." Instead, she hoped that her old tribe of Cindy, Brooke, herself and Judd would stick together. "Ah, whatever", Judd told Margaret. In fact he realised that he was the "King Kong" of his tribe now with the other alpha lads BJ, Brandon and Blake now at Yaxha. Stephenie and Jamie planned on edging out Brooke and keeping Lydia in to continue to have the numbers from old Yaxha lines. Judd then sat with them and offered up his allegiance. Judd told us "I feel good man...I have no problem targeting my old tribe....they gotta get out of my jungle."

Yaxha Day 11
Amy was still worried about the new guys: "There's four of them and three of us. They're going to pick us off one by one." Meanwhile, the scheming was going on as the lads went for a whizzer behind the ferns. BJ and Blake agreed that Brandon and Danni would form their four and they'd pick off Amy first. Amy tried her hardest to hide the pain of her sprained ankle and was bravely determined to not limp around the camp: "If I don't do well in the next challenge, I'm gone."

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to paddle out into the water to retrieve three bags full of Mayan war clubs. These had to be thrown at tiles with the first team breaking their tiles naturally being the winners. Nakum got ahead in the water and were the first to start throwing - Steph got a tile for Nakum almost immediately, then Danni and Blake got a couple of Yaxha. Judd got Nakum's second. Brandon clipped Yaxha's third tile but eventually broke it, to win immunity for Yaxha. Dear little Brian still showed his total loyalty and commitment to his team and no doubt was the first one to take out the feathers stuck in by the previously cocky Nakumians.

Poor old Stephenie is still on the losing team even though it has different people and a different name = Nakum. And oh dearie me, we got treated to a few too many seconds of film with Margaret's wisened little, shrunken boobs about to fall out of her gaping bikini top - not good editing, Survivor, not needed at all!

The merged tribe, classic Survivor problem raised it's head again after the tribe shakeups. The losing Nakum team had eight members with the likelihood that the vote would therefore be tied at 4 to 4 along original tribal lines. Judd was the deciding factor - was he going to join the Jamie/Steph/Rafe/Lydia alliance or stick with the gals from his old team - Brooke/Margaret/Cindy? He told us: "When I go to Tribal Council tonight I don't know who I'm going to choose until I get there."

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked, "Is Steph the bad luck that follows everywhere she goes?"
Margaret told Jeff that she noticed that Judd was talking with Steph and Jamie: "I hope he's only socialising." Hmm, that'd be enough for me (if I was Judd, that is) to vote with the others instead of being nagged by a nurse for hanging around the wrong people....

Brooke voted for Lydia;
Rafe voted for Brooke; and
Margaret voted for Lydia; meaning that it wouldn't be Lydia because she got two votes and it would be too obvious.

Hah, I was right - it wasn't Lydia. It was Brooke who was given the shove - so the Juddster decided to move along with his newer tribemates after all. Boo sucks to you Margaret because Judd sat there as Brooke left looking as cool as a cucumber in that tropical heat.

Next week - Judd is on the defensive with his 'old' team gals; Cultures clash at Yaxha and Lydia gets whacky.....

The Premiership table (just click on the word and it should take you there) shows that a few of you suffered this week with Brooke's demise..... Not me, though - nyah na na naaaaah......

Bobby Jon....Oooooooh Bobby Jon

Last night I had a naughty dream. I'm sure it's to do with the fact that Love Chunks is currently out of the country at an international weather nerd get-together talk-fest in Chile, but also because Bobby Jon from the current series of 'Survivor' is a rather guilty pleasure.

He's about as intelligent as using scissors to cook spaghetti yet is admired by most for having the utmost determination to try as hard as he can in every single physical challenge. As Dianne Weist's ageing actress character in 'Bullets over Broadway' says to her younger lover, "Don't speak,' this should also be the case with Bobby Jon.

But back to last night during my REM when Bobby Jon emerged from my rather unsubtle unconscious into my dream state. He was dressed like he is here above, so, I was --- um-----I was (phew) ------ errr-------a bit distracted initially as to where we were. However I still seemed to have some of my conscious, awake-thoughts buzzing through my brain. Have you ever had a dream where, even though you're in it and enjoying yourself; you're also a spectator, thinking "Oh wow, this is going to be a great one!" ??? Or is it just me - I hope to god it's not or this entire blog will just cause you to pray harder for my mother ship to return and take me back to planet Zorkwad.

So there we were, BJ and I - him with his soulful, twinkling brown eyes ready for some naughty night action and me standing next to him ready to comply; yet also thinking as the spectator: "BRILLIANT! I can't believe my exhausted, middle-aged brain is serving up this particular treat to me tonight!"

It was then, alas, that my subconscious reminded me that, even though the guest star was one I liked, the storyline was to be all of it's own directing. Bobby Jon and I were talking with Jeff Probst, the hard-hearted host of the Survivor shows, and he handed us the keys to our own four door ute. He invited us to help ourselves to whatever supplies we wanted, which of course we did - water, food, blankets, tents, a full esky, drinks, firewood, deckchairs - everything but room service, it seemed.

We drove off to a rather romantic, steamy forest and set up a rather comfortable looking camp. To my unbelieving yet grateful eyes, Bobby Jon purposefully advanced toward me, all muscles, sweat and goofy hunkiness, swept me up into his arms and was about to take me back inside the -------- HEY! What are those people doing robbing our campsite? BJ dropped me like a bag of tent pegs and went sprinting out after them. "Come out here and help me!" he hollered.

After what seemed like hours of fighting off hordes of fit, strong and arrogant yanks, we were left with our ute, an esky (that I sat on, hence it was too difficult for anyone to move) and the deckchairs that BJ was swinging around like tennis racquets. 'Man oh man! This was supposed to be a fullblown BJ bonkfest fantasy, not Lord of the Flies', my conscious self bemoaned. If this was a movie, I could leave or demand a refund, but tonight I had to sit it out.

Things suddently got better and back on to the fantasy and fun track. "Aw, never mind about it," Bobby Jon said, gesturing to me, "We've still got all the time in the world to------"
'What now?' Jeff Probst had entered our tent, unzipped the door and was telling us something about doing a mandatory challenge involving jumping from our ute to another ute as they were driving down a road. 'Is a dream night of passion with Bobby Jon worth all of this crap?' I thought to myself.

Clearly, my dreamlike self thought so, as I found myself surfing on the back tray of our ute, with BJ driving with his head out of the window, yelling out to me to "Jump on over, there's a girl - we gotta win this one." I took a deep breath and leaped as far as I could out of the ute. There was no way I was going to make it, I was going to die......

"Aaaarguh!" I screamed in terror and found myself awake in the dark, in my Love Chunks-less bed - something just stuck it's tongue in my ear!! I scrambled out of bed quicker than a teenage boy being sprung by her parents. It was Milly the dog, who had worked out during the night that I was on my own, and her beloved Alpha Male, Love Chunks was not on the scene. It seemed as though she decided to give her bean bag the flick, trot up the hall to my room, jump up on the bed, wriggle underneath the quilt and lie close enough to me to give me a lick if she chose to. She knew she was not meant to, and gave me her best soggy eye look, with her tail thumping softly against the blankets in hope.

"Oh, all right, you can stay there, but only on top of the bed and down at my feet with no more licking, understand?" She gave me a lick on the hand to indicate that she understood. Sort of.



So, whilst lucky Danni is the one currently sleeping next to BJ on the show, I'll get to spend the next week with this creature:
Still, at least I'll be able to say to her, "Don't speak."

Ep 3 - Jocks of the Jungle

Episode three started with some rather impressive shots of wildlife - what were those cute little, um, badger-squirrelly things with the stripy tails? Lemurs?

On Day 7 at Yaxha - everyone was asleep except Lydia who busy hauling in firewood, fully realising that it could have been her that had been voted off the night before. "The person I would have chosen would have been Brianna (the make up artist) because she's on the weak side." The feeling was mutual, as Brianna commented to camera re Lydia: "She's just not my cup of tea." Young Brian crowed to us re Morgan's demise over Lydia "That was one hundred percent me. I organised it." Nothing like a bit of self-congratulation, is there?

At Nakum they were driven out of their minds by the early morning roaring of a monkey overhead. Cindy the zookeeper reckoned he'd lost his group and was trying to find them. She tried to instruct Judd about their throats swelling up like a blowling ball, but he looked about as interested as Donald Trump at a 'Maintain your Modesty' workshop.
"I don't care what Dr Dolittle (Cindy) says, it's the most annoying noise I've ever heard in my life." What? Judd is a parent, isn't he? What's more annoying than the whine of a child from the back seat of a car? He went on to tell us that "It drives you crazy, man, nuts." At the ad break he illustrated this by hurling a huge tree trunk to the ground.

The Reward challenge was about to start - a very sweat-soaked Jeff yacked on about the continuing efforts of archaelogists in finding out more about the Mayan ruins. As such, each tribe was to find nine bundles of gear to make an archaeologists' tent. Of course it wouldn't be 'Survivor' if the Probster made it that easy for them. The tribe would be blindfolded whilst finding these items and directed by one of their team. All this effort to win the prizes of a tarp, lamp, lamp oil, rope, blankets and pillows.

Non-NFL Gary was the director for Yaxha and Brooke the legal student was the guide for Nakum. Poor old Nurse Margaret got a few dongs on the head and shoulder via an overzealous Bobby Jon, as did abnormally-abbed Danni. Yaxha found their items first and were then able to remove their blindfolds. Unfortunately they knew as much about erecting tent poles, ropes and canvas as I did. Jeff yelled out "There's a lot of confusion at Yaxha and Nakum are working well together and making up a lot of ground." You'd want to kill him if you were a Yaxha-ian, wouldn't you?

Sure enough it was won by Yakum. The fellas did their usual thing when they're happy - by lifting each other up in sweaty bear hugs. I guess it's no different than soccer players jumping up landing willy-first onto the faces of the goal scorer or having your arse patted by an AFL player - the only way they feel as though they can display any heterosexual affection to another male.

Yaxha were busy bitterly rueing their loss as they fumed around their water hole. It was interesting to see how they washed themselves via rags dipped in the water - no swimming due to the crocs in the water. Amy the policewoman was determinedly cheerful:"Working at a police station is a walk in the park compared to this. I don't care how bad it gets, I will not give up."

At Nakum, Beefcake BJ told us in his usual poetic and eloquent manner that he's "Not too used to winning, so it felt good." The midday heat was too exhausting to erect the shelter and they were so sick of the water tempting them that they decided to risk paddling out and dipping themselves in. At least the guys did; Cindy wasn't having a bar of it. "Eventually you just say screw it, I'm going to jump in. You gotta live on the edge, you know?" said a cleaner and more refreshed Brandon afterwards. "I've never felt more alive in my entire life."

Brianna was starting to feel a little bit under threat of being the next one to go over at Camp Yaxha and had appointed herself the camp's corn-grinder and chef. All of them were heartily sick of corn. Rafe said "Even throwing some dirt in the corn would be better because it's something different." This culinary frustration was enough for Rafe and Gary to eat live termites. "They were good protein, but not good tasting", Rafe admitted.

Meanwhile the Nakumian men were taking their sweet time having a chin-wag and general discussion about how and where to put up their tarpaulin. As all blokes do - all they missed was a beer in their hands and a BBQ to stand over. Nurse Margaret decided to appoint herself as a foreman, which was about as much appreciated as a fresh dog turd in your letter box.
Margaret wasn't too happy with the result: "We look like we've got a circus big top as a shelter."
Bobby Jon fumed about her to us. "I'm 28 years old. You can't tell a grown man what to do all the time." No prizes for guessing that BJ's single then. Even Judd told us "The only people who can tell me what to do are my boss and my wife. That's it."

Nakum Day 8 saw the arrival of some pot mail with body paint having to be used to adorn themselves before an ancient Mayan sport to be played at the immunity challenge. At Yaxha, Brian had obviously snorted up his termites instead of eating them as he bounced around like a painted peacock on acid trying to rev up the others to victory. Jamie ended up having to clamp his hand over Brian to keep his mouth. A nervous Lydia told us that "I hope I'll be a star out there."

The Immunity Challenge - hang on a minute - there was just a brief shot of Margaret with a B and an O painted on her chest? Is that really something she wants to advertise after eight days of only a few splashes of water in searing, 43C heat - that she has BO?

The game was called court ball, played on an elevated court of nets. No running or walking with the ball, just throwing and passing it before trying to throw it through a hoop. To me it seemed a bit like netball, only with teams of three and a lot more fun (and hopefully less bitchiness. I couldn't see Rafe saying to Jamie "Pass the ball to me, you mole!"). Brian scored the first goal which no doubt increased his enthusiasm level to a Spinal Tape-esque Number 11. Blake scored the next one.....





And so it went on. Danni showed us her extremely good athletic skills (and a physique not unlike a preying mantis) and Brianna was about as useful as a chocolate tea pot - she wasn't prepared to run or try to get into the game which caused Jamie to yell out at her to "Move it! Why aren't you moving!" Lydia was also hopeless (she kept running with the ball) but at least she gave it a go. Jeff reminded them of the temperature - 114 degrees F (43C). Amy had injured her ankle, so poor old Stephenie was the only gal on her team worth a cracker. It was won easily by Yakum. Again.



The Nakumians enjoyed a well-earned rest lying on their shelter before erecting it










Over at Yaxha we saw Stephenie say "I've already been here, I don't want to do this again.....Why why why just once can't I be on a great tribe?" Amy was determined not to focus on her ankle: "It would have to be falling off before I quit." Jamie wasn't focussed on getting rid of either Lydia or Amy - he wanted to get rid of Brianna. "She annoys me, she's not my type of girl. I like them crazy and pretty. She's neither." Ooooooh you bitch Jamie!

As for Gary, his main concern was having the strongest team. "You can have all the heart in the world, but if you're not strong..." I forgot what else he said as I was gazing at his blackened sunburnt lips. In fact they've all got peeling skin with delicate pink tender flesh underneath and I know the Aussie doctor on the show makes sunscreen available to them... Use it, you leathery fools!

At Tribal Council the Probster started off by asking Stephenie if she felt a bit of deja vu. He also asked her how it felt to be the only female player out there with other clueless female players. Brianna was on the defensive, saying that she'd never played basketball. Lydia admitted that she too wasn't too good, but tried her hardest. Amy downplayed her ankle: "I'm good to go." Gary didn't let it go: "Athleticism is big." She turned to him and said "Don't make the mistake of voting me out."

Not surprisingly we were shown Brianna's vote for Lydia and Jamie's for Brianna with his comment: "You're a girly girl. You need to go back to the shopping mall and leave the jungle." Jeff reached into the Mayan version of grandma's cookie jar to read the votes. It was Brianna by a landslide, with Jamie smirking smugly as she left.

Next week - Yaxha visited by crocs; misery plagues Yakum (especially in two shots of a despondent Brandon and Jeff) and we see Stephenie utter those over-used words: Oh---My---God---"

Brianna admitted that "I was the weakest link. You gotta be athletic out there...... I'm athletic but not as strong as these people." Que? You didn't even know what basketball was, let alone move anywhere on the court, so your description of yourself as athletic is a trifle exaggerated.

The all-important Premiership Table shows that only one of us had Brianna as our pick - that's you, Dr Boonie. Perhaps it's a good thing you've chosen a crap contestant but are doing much better in the field of medical research, hey?

Oh and to you Aussie viewers, I noticed that Channel nine said that Survivor was on at "The Special Day" of Saturday next week and I have no idea why. Surely it's not so that we have to suffer through the SANFL Best and Fairest 'night of nights'? As if we need to see what Narelle from Salisbury is wearing to complement her partner Darryl's mullet....??

Well that's it for now. Until next week, may none of you be told "The tribe has spoken", unless it's to receive the winning lotto cheque, a night of passion with Jude Law or your entire body weight in Lindt balls.....