Ep 2 - Mudslinging

Tribe Nakum, Night 3

Bobby Jon moaned resignedly, "I feel like I live at Tribal Council.:

Margaret the nurse stayed true to her calling: "It's a sick feeling. We just don't have the strength for Tribal Council." Nor the intelligence to find your way back home either, by the looks of things.

Day 4 at Tribe Yaxha was a lot more relaxed and friendshio-focussed. Jamie considered that his team were 'Diverse', and summed up each players' profession and characteristics, naming himself a "Bum". So much for his bio of 'water ski instructor/actor' then. Gary was still maintaining his lie of being a landscaper, fervently hoping that no bright spark asked him any botanical questions regarding their jungle home. Steph too was glowing: "It's a good camp life....Good team morale....We're hoping to keep this family together a long time."

Poor old Blake was experiencing difficulty breathing at Nakum. Margaret looked concerned: "He's had no sleep, he's heaving, something's not right." The healthiest bloke of Nakum, Farmer Brandon, commented to us: "I'm not against the guy. You are hurtin' and everything but you just gotta man up." Let's hope that he doesn't need to be reminded of such advice if he ends up on the big white phone to God.....

Allow me to digress for a moment: Hmmm (wince) Margaret love, you may be a good nurse and all that, but I'm getting unwelcome flashbacks of the topless woman on the balcony from 'There's something about Mary' crossed with Donatella Versace.... Please find yourself a high necked t-shirt!

Back to the game. Pot mail had arrived with scant details of their Reward Challenge. At the site, it looked like something that Spiderman could do in his sleep but be a task that webless mortals would scarcely be able to get through. Ramps, ropes, bags to untie, drop into the water, swim back to the ramp and run back to the team. The reward for all that effort? Fishing lines, tackle, worms, hooks and weights. Personally I admired all the contestants' restraint in not saying to Jeff: "That's IT you scungy bastard? What a piss-weak prize! Where's the Doritos and beer?"

• BJ was up against Jamie the Bum and sadly, revealed to us again that using the grey matter was not his forte. He hung from the ropes like a monkey meaning that he was forced to carry his entire body weight the hard way. Bum Boy instead cleverly scampered along the ropes with ease and thrashed BJ to the finish.
• Cindy the zookeeper made up for BJ's lack of brain power and evened out the challenge.
• Barfing Blake was up against Super Steph and did his best only to be pipped at the pcoalition SS. Not a bad effort for a guy who couldn't breathe properly.
• Farmboy Brandon beat Gary the Gardener.
• Rafe was CRAP! He felling in and was duly beaten by Margaret. Judd the butterball entered the fray and still beat Rafe, who tripped on the net ramp in exhaustion (and confusion) on his way back.
• Concave-abdominalled Danni beat Brianna the make-up artist and then.....
• Barfin' Blake braved it a second time and beat skinny student Brian, producing a victory for Nakum.
  Rat-shit Rafe would have been feeling rather insecure......

Day 5 saw the Nakumians get up at, in Brandon's poetic words at "The butt crack of dawn" to try out their newly-won fishing gear. Blake looked as though barfin' wasn't his main activity any longer and also managed to hook a couple of fish for their feast.

Over at Yaxha, on the other hand, they were desperately trying to eat anything they could find -roots, leaves, grasshoppers - even a nest of ants. Gardening Gary was increasingly annoyed by Magician gal Morgan's laziness around their camp. The bitch in me just noticed how bad her skin was. Why dontcha get your boss Mandrake to magic those pustules away, hey pretty girl?

Rafe and Gary sampled a face full of biting ants, and Lydia did her best to bring home the bacon via ten tiny minnow caught in her tidal trap. She was hero of the hour - or five minutes, at least, and rather wisely noted that "The way to a man's heart is through the grill."

Noo Yoooowark doorman Judd was getting fed up with Nurse Margaret's coddling of Blake. Was he milking all of the nurturing and advice to 'lie down, rest' or was he really crook? Clearly there was a bit of jealously in the Judd-ster when he remarked to Farm Boy: "I want to be the big hero at the next challenge." Rather than Blake, obviously, who slowly hobbled past the butterball to go and lie down under a tree.…

All too soon it was time for the Immunity Challenge: a tug of war in a pit of mud, made a bit more interesting when the Probster stated that they could also interfere with other team members in order to win. School Boy Brian tried to shove Danni aside and some gal's butt crack got fuzzed out by the producers. I just had to pity the poor thing afterwards, trying to deal with a wad of mud up her arse and the having only available water to wash it out being infested by crocodiles.......

Time ran out and neither team won the tug of war, so it was time for one-on-one showdowns. First team to win three would win the immunity idol.

• Gardening Gary vs Butterball Judd - Danni yelled out to everyone within earshot, "You can do it Judd, even though he's a quarterback." So much for his secret not being found out then. Judd did it; his bulk bettering Gazza's more wiry frame
• Bum Boy Jamie vs Farm Boy Brandon: it was a tight contest until the Bumster fell and got pulled along by Brandon. Two wins to Nakum.
• Jamie, despite losing to Brandon, was in the ooze again representing Yaxha, against Judd. It was only in the final ten seconds that Judd used every ounce of his strength to yank Bum Boy over to his side; granting victory to Nakum.

Well Judd my man, you were the hero of the challenge after all!

The look on Bobby Jon's face said it all: thank god I don't have to go back to Tribal Council!

Day 6 found Yaxha a melting pot of strategizing, sneaky chats and campaigning. Bum Boy tried to get Gary and Rat-shit Rafe in on his plan to vote off Stephenie, but Gary confided to us that "We gotta have strength on our side." For now, anyhow.

Amy, bless her naive little heart, told Stephenie of the above boys' plans. "I'm the strongest girl, why would they vote me off, it's retarded! I refuse to go," Stephenie glowered. Onyer luv!

Then student boy Brian approached Gary directly to ask him if he was indeed an NFL quarterback. Gary flatly denied it, but Brian wasn't swallowing (his story, I mean, get your minds out of the gutter!) He told us that "Danni told me. She said, "I'm a sportscaster, I know'."

Gary went back to have another chat with Rat-shit to convince him to vote out Morgan, known for doing zilch around the camp; or Lydia who was not as physically strong in challenges. Amy, Super Steph, Rafe and Gary were leaning towards ousting Lydia...... but Gary then spoke with Brainy boy Brian, who pointed out that Lydia worked harder and was not the reason they lost the immunity challenge. Later, when Lydia asked Gary if she was going to be the one going that night, he didn't deny it....... Like meatloaf through a straw, so are the Days of Their Lives.....

At Tribal Council, my hubby Love Chunks commented that even Jeff looked hot and sweaty in the grueling Guatemalen climate. He firstly commented on the threat of Stephenie which prompted Bum Boy Jamie to remark that "She plays like a guy," which, I think, was his idea of a grudgingly granted compliment. Then the Probster tactfully pointed out to Lydia that she was the least athletic of the tribe.

But nah, she didn't need to worry, it was Morgan who was voted out unanimously. Morgan was stunned: "I really didn't see it coming." Yeah well next time forget the magic and try your hand at doing some chores, zit queen. Now go home and have a mighty good feed, there's a clever girl.

Next week - Nakum defies the crocodiles - perhaps personal hygiene is more important than the threat of some old reptiles in the water.......and at Yaxha, Amy's injured and looks to be in some kind of trouble.......

Two of us scored a hit on the Premiership Table, dammit, but we can all take heart that Beefcake BJ and Super Steph are still in with a chance.

See youse all next week. Here in Oz the show is repeated on channel nine at Sunday lunchtime, so don't bash your head against the wall if you have a social life and forgot to set your VCR on Friday night.

Ep Two is on (Aussie) TV tonight ch 9 at 7:30

....so use this as an excuse to order pizza and stay in on the couch; to have a 'quiet night in after a long week' and in order to prepare yourselves for the inevitable Grand Final BBQs tomorrow.

I'll be posting a summary of episode two by Monday (at the latest) and a link to the premiership table.

Have a good weekend all of youse.....

Final FOUR now, instead of final three

To use a well-worn phrase pertaining to mental capacity - I've long been known to lack that plastic stuff that connnects the six pack cans together, and have been reminded by Kirstie that we may need to change our final three picks now that Bobby Jon and Stephenie have rejoined the fray.

So, to you 26 eager beavers out there - send me your choice between Stephenie and BJ and I'll add them to your final FOUR picks, OK?

Episode 1 Survivor

Episode 1 – Survivor Guatemala

Well, the first episode of the eleventh survivor season brought a rather interesting surprise and a predictable ending, but you’ll discover that later (or have already done so, if you watched the show).

Jeff Probst was filmed strolling through some impressive Mayan ruins, informing us that the place was infested with jaguars (the mean spotted wild cats, not the cars unless they feature later as the prize in a reward challenge), snakes, spiders and crocodiles. He went on to say that the competitors would be suffering through extreme temperatures, high humidity and storms, yet he wondered just why the Mayan culture disappeared. It’s not that hard to figure out, Jeff love – they simply got sick to death of living in a place with all of the nasty crap mentioned above roaming around in the back yard not including the other attractions such as foot-rot, spiky tree branches, monkeys overhead sounding like Cujo in heat, having ants to look forward to as your pre-dinner snack and never being able to get your washing dry.

In this series, the tribes had already been decided prior to the first challenge. No wild shocks or excitement there, then. However the second change was a bit more of a surprise – each tribe was to be given a ‘tool’ to help them; in this case a human version – Bobby Jon and Stephenie; the two hardest working losers of the last series set in Palau. Jeff told the tribes that BJ and Stephenie were also bonafide players with their eyes on the million bucks. Jamie, the waterskiing/wannabe actor with spare tyres for eybrows wasn’t impressed: “All the girls think Stephenie’s their hero. I didn’t shed a tear – how am I going to win a million dollars if she’s here?” (Note to non-Aussies reading this: A “tool” in our slang means a wanker/jerk – here’s hoping that BJ and Super S don’t live out that particular meaning….)

The Probster, never a big fan of milling about, immediately set them on their reward challenge: an eleven mile (or 17.6km for us metrics) hike through the jungle to find canoes in order to paddle them to the preferred tribal camp site. The first tribe would win that site as their home for the next 39 days and a flint to light fire. Each tribe had to decide (and quickly, because time was a wastin’) how much of the corn, water and fruit they were prepared to drag along with them.

Nakum team member Brandon the Farm Boy told us “The last time I hiked eleven miles was like, never,” and we were immediately treated to lovely ‘Funniest Home Video’ scene of him flipping onto his arse and losing all of his bananas; the irony not lost on me that it wasn’t the bananas that caused him to slip in the first place. Meanwhile, on the other team (Yaxha), Stephenie expressed concern about being too strong and too obvious a target: “Maybe they do just want to get rid of me.”

Super Steph needn’t have bothered worrying. She and Gary the secret Dallas Cowboys dude (hereby known as Gazza, seeing as this is an Aussie site), took control of the compass and tried to lead their team through the forest. Rafe, the gay-Mormon Boris-Becker-lookalike noted that “The leader is always the one who steps out and gets voted off first. Gary’s the tallest, has grey hair….” Gary thought the same: “I don’t want to be a leader but my paternal instinct will kick in with these kids.” Whatever, footy-boy: it’s Stephenie who’s leading this tribe already, not you, lovey puss.

Team Nakum

At Nakum, they too were struggling, slipping, slashing and sweating. Judd the pud admitted that “I’m just a freakin’ doorman from Noo Yooark. I never been camping.” His comrade Blake, fulfilling the show’s requirement for the model-slash-whatever-cute boy player, got struck by a rampaging tree branch. It was a spiky little bastard that left most of its prickly bits in his shoulder. Luckily nurse Margaret was on hand to pluck them out and to remind him to keep up his water intake.

By night fall, neither tribe was within cooo-ee of finding their camp, let alone the canoes needed to paddle them there. At Nakum, poor old Blake spent the night doubled-over praising god over a tree root with Margaret telling us that the chuck-fest was in response to the pain from his shoulder.

On Day two – very early on Day Two – both tribes were woken up by Guatemala’s own natural alarm clocks – some treetop monkeys roaring and growling in the trees directly above them. Amy described it as “Being like (the movie) Predator”, but at least they didn’t have to put up with that ‘ol condom-full-of-walnuts / piece-of-dead-wood otherwise known as Arnie being on their team as well.

Somehow Yaxha (Steph and Gazza’s crew) stumbled across Nakum, who mustered up enough energy to start running ahead of them in the rain. Yaxha had a couple of laggers (Chunky fishmonger Lydia and Amy the podgy policeperson) and saw their hopes of winning the hike disappear as far up the muddy garden path as their enemies Nakum.

Team Yaxha

The Nakum Tribe, whilst leading, suffered their second injury. Bobby Jon felt extremely cold and fell to the ground with his right leg suffering severe cramps. Nurse Margaret took him under her wing and got him going again, noting that it was another case of dehydration and intense physical overexertion. His team mates were a bit shocked. Cindy the zoo keeper said “We didn’t expect this guy to go down so early.”

BJ……when upright

Somehow they made it to their canoe and to the winning campsite first. Judd, in Brandon the Farm Boy’s words, “Had a premature evacuation and ended up in mud like quicksand.” Hmmm, judging by that comment, young Brandon ‘aint the innocent, un-eduh-macated hayseed he’s trying to present himself as, is he?

Just think: the first task of the competitors was to undertake a grueling, 24 hour trek through Satan’s own fernery, with the losing team rather tersely told by Jeff to bugger off and keep paddling to their own less grand and fireless place. Bless their sweet hearts though, the Yaxha team didn’t stay down for long. Like a bunch of sweaty munchkins they immediately started making their shelter. Super Steph was all smiles: “I’m finally on a tribe that’s got as much spirit and determination as me.” Look I’m sure she’s right but these yanks aren’t exactly modest about their qualities are they? If it was an Aussie in her position, we’d be more likely to say “Not bad here.”

The winning Nakumians started to look as though they’d had a huge beer and vodka party the night before and were now suffering the hangovers. Blake was still in technicolour yawn mode; Judd joined him and Jimbo the old guy also visited the puke party and then slumped under a tree looking 93 instead of his 63 years.

Bobby Jon was flat-out on the ground, exhausted and cramped. His eyes started rolling back in his head whilst Margaret called out his name in order to bring him back to earth. In a scene to camera later, he managed to sit up and say “Palau was recess compared to Guatemala.” Interestingly all the Nakumian girls were fine, as was Farm Boy Brandon, but I’m sure as hell they wouldn’t have appreciated the lovely vomit odour surrounding them in those humid and hellishly hot conditions….

Day 3 dawned with a challenge in their, er, ‘pot mail’? It’s fairly easy to assume that the challenges in the first few episodes of the shows are going to be physically stressful with a huge reliance on male muscle. This one fit the bill perfectly – rowing out to a “Booey” (or ‘boy’ to us who talk different but more gooder), rowing back to the beach and pulling the boat along via ropes and logs.

Super S got her foot caught under a log and Danni tripped and fell under one. That didn’t surprise me at all – that woman has got more than a six pack, she’s got a whole slab (24 cans) worth of muscles in her emaciated stomach. It’s concave and she had the nerve to tell NW in an interview this week that “I used to be a model, so I’m used to going without food. It sucks, because I like to eat.” Sure doesn’t look like you do, dearie.

Yaxha won the event which was a foregone conclusion considering that four of Nakum’s fellas were still fighting off the sudden spew syndrome. Stephenie was jubilant because it was the first time ever that she was not required to attend a Tribal Council eviction.

Back at Nahum, Jimbo cemented his place amongst the sick bay, unlike Judd who was a mere visiting vomiter with a temporary day pass. Somehow the old guy managed to pull his bicep muscle out when he thought everyone was lifting up their boat but he mistimed it and it all went ‘pop’. Kind of like his chances at recovery really.

Margaret got it right when she commented that with one third of their team down, fart-arseing about trying to strategize was a complete waste of time. Well she might have said it a bit more politely than that, this is just paraphrasing. The Judd man was still having a bit of a go at trying to convince Brooke the law student that his hurling hell was over: “I’m adapting to this jungle life now.”

Tribal Council was set in a rather dramatic non-set, if you will. Instead of painted foam rocks and Mitre 10 bamboo sheeting, they were in a real Mayan temple. Danni, she of the abnormal abdominals, appeared to have a John Waters style tiny moustache due to the lighting. Judd the pud was still trying to reassure his team – and Jeff – that he was fine: “I puked and got right back up again. I’ll do a backflip for you if you like.”

The voting was like taking food away from Nicole Richie – too, too easy. Jimbo was given the flick – too injured and too old to recover in time to be any use for the early physical challenges. Tough luck for the poor old bugger, but he didn’t seem to mind: “I don’t blame the guys for voting me out….I hope nobody gets hurt.” Or at least, no worse than they already are……

Seeya Jimbo

Did you notice that everyone voted for Jim and he voted – obviously not for himself, but for Margaret? That seemed a bit bloody ungrateful to me – she was the one who tried to put his arm in a sling and give him some medical attention, and there he was trying to snuff out her torch. What did he expect – a brand new bicep made out of monkey poo?

The Premiership table shows that only two of you selected Jim as your final three so here’s a mature and empathetic “Nyah nyah na na naaaa” to Andrea A and Jillaroo.

Next week it looks as though Super Steph is baulking at having to inhale ants for dinner; there’s lot of mud and a classic shot of Bobby Jon straining like a glue-eater at the toilet bowl in a rather muddy looking challenge and Blake really suffering…. Stay tuned, and I’ll put up a post about next week’s episode as soon as I can afterwards.

It's ON - Friday night (16th) at 7:30pm, Channel 9

...which is a bit of a bugger really because I'm co-MC-ing a quiz night for our daughter's school fundraiser but I know I'll be hyped up enough to watch it as soon as I get home, kick off my heels and rewind the video.

I'll post an account of the show by Monday plus a copy of the Premiership table for youse all to see who you picked; who other players picked and who's already lost one of their final three picks.

Nudey Rudey's in trouble again

E!online reports:

OUTWIT, OUTSMART, OUTPLAY? Original Survivor champ Richard Hatch indicted Thursday on 10 counts of tax evasion and fraudulently using charitable donations to hide personal expenses. He's also accused of failing report to the $1 million jackpot he won on the CBS reality series in 2001.

Toughest ever? As usual....

This tiny feature was found on the ninemsn website today:

The heat is on
Just how tough will the new series of Survivor get? We’ve heard it before – that this season of Survivor is going to be “the toughest one ever”. But could it be true this time?

“We’d been accused of getting too soft,” explains host Jeff Probst. “On this one, we decided to return to our roots and make it as tough on the Survivors as possible.”

The heat in Guatemala is fierce, with temperatures reaching 50°C during filming. Although the tribes’ camps were on the shores of Lake Yaxha, no one could swim because the lake is infested with crocodiles. There were also plenty of scorpions and tarantulas to contend with.

Within the first 24 hours, Survivors were struck down with dysentery and heatstroke, and some even considered quitting. “We may have gone too far this time,” says executive producer Mark Burnett.

We'll see soon enough.......

Oooh, gossip re last series' runner-up Katie

E!online website reports that: 'SURVIVE THIS: Katie Gallagher, the runner-up on Survivor: Palau, arrested for drunken driving last week in her hometown of Merced, California. Gallagher was held overnight and released Thursday morning, police said.'

Oh well, we all hated her anyway - she was an ill-deserved second-place getter who was expertly selected by Fireman Tom. You should have the least-deserving player next to you at the end so that, even if the other players on the jury don't like what you did to them; they'll hate the other player even more.

Rumour from Who ('People' to US folk)

It says in this week's edition of Who magazine on page 75 that:
'CBS previously announced that 18 people would compete in season 11, but the net has unveiled only 16' Yeah, we all know that so far, but the tiny paragraph goes on to say that 'Rumour has it that Palau's Bobby Jon and Stephenie will pop up - to extend their epic losing streak.' Oooh, wouldn't that make things interesting?

Nine of you are in, another four are going to - who else wants to play?

G'day again - only 9 more sleeps to go for youse lucky Americans and hopefully there's less than fourteen for us keen Aussies.

So far, via this blog or via my other one: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/ I've got nine dead certs in for the competition (pick your final three Survivors from the descriptions below in my post of Monday August 29 on Blurb from the Burbs or via this blog's post of Wednesday August 31), four who have said they will get around to sending their picks in and moi. We need more players.

No, you don't win anything. That's why it's free, you greedy little bugger. Just read through the descriptions of each of the sixteen contestants and, via the comments field, give me your final three picks before the shops shut (5pm, here in Oz) on 15th September. Stop moaning about how you don't know any of them; that's the idea. It can be alternately frustrating and hilarious to find yourself barracking for a player that - as shown on TV- repulses you. Come on, you know you want to!

Woo Hoo - Channel Nine's committed

Hi there Survivor-philes

On the channel nine website :http://tvshows.ninemsn.com.au/ they've got a tiny video clip of their 'Coming soon to channel nine.... Survivor Guatemala' promo.

No mention of dates or times yet, but hopefully they'll be at least within the week that the episodes are played out in the US. Stay tuned!